


All I Want...

by DominusFero



Category: Camp Camp (Web Series)
Genre: Accidents, Angst and Feels, Awkward Crush, Birthday Fluff, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexuality, Bonding, Boys Kissing, Christmas Fluff, Consensual, Crush at First Sight, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dadniel (Camp Camp), Declarations Of Love, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt, Emotionally Repressed, Falling In Love, First Dates, First Kiss, Flirting, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Getting to Know Each Other, Hospitalization, Hurt, Idiots in Love, Injury Recovery, Love at First Sight, Lucid Dreaming, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Moving In Together, Moving On, Neck Kissing, Past Relationship(s), Relationship Discussions, Single Parents, Slow Burn, Spice, Strangers to Lovers, Touching, Truth, Wedding Fluff, Weddings, Wet Dream, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:40:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 44,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28164123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DominusFero/pseuds/DominusFero
Summary: Daniel has walked the lonely road of single parenthood for eight years. He used to be happy, blessed with the most wondrous gift he could ever have. But one day, he lost the one who gave him that gift. Hurt, broken and hopeless, Daniel shut his emotions out, vowing to never again love. However, this holiday, that may soon change.
Relationships: Daniel & his daughter (Camp Camp), Daniel/Jasper (Camp Camp), Jasper & his nephew (Camp Camp)
Kudos: 7





	1. Feel Again

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jubilantscribbler](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jubilantscribbler/gifts).



The briskness of the sharp, cold air nipped at his exposed cheeks. The prickles of fresh blood rushing to his face burned beneath the surface. Daniel dropped his chin against his neck, trying to subtly rebury his nose underneath his scarf. To him, winter was bothersome, bleak and miserable. The sun rarely shined as it was almost always shrouded in the greyness of looming clouds. Whenever the sun failed to peek through the stratosphere, it felt as though daytime never came. Still, he would press on. 

At his side was a little girl. Her cheeks were rosy from the sting of the frigid air. Azalea, his darling, precious kwiatuszek. The light of his life.

“Daddy, I’m cold,” the little one shivered, hugging his side in a futile attempt to steal some of his warmth.

A twinge of guilt stabbed Daniel through his heart when he heard her muffled, pitiful voice. He had seen the weather forecast earlier this evening after dinner. He knew the temperature was hovering over the single digits, barely gracing 10°. The slight wind chill was doing him no favors, making the world feel like the stark opposite of Hell. Instead of brimstone and fire, it was starch whiteness and freezing ice. But damn it all if he was not a stubborn, determined sonuvabitch. He had promised to take her to the Sleepy Peak Toy Emporium to get Christmas presents and he was not about to let the weather, no matter how unpredictable it may be, stop him.

“Come here, serduszko,” Daniel offered, stepping off to the side between two parked cars in the lot. Bending over partway, he scooped Azalea up into his arms and began hurriedly trudging the rest of the way through the dimly lit lot. “Prawie tam, serduszko, prawie tam.” He mumbled reassuringly, holding her head down against his shoulder to keep the wind from blistering her face.

Almost there. Almost there. When the wind began to pick up, Daniel practically sprinted the final ten feet to the entrance. Finally, sanctuary.

Pressurized automatic doors parted with a whoosh, a blast of hot air nearly blasting the knitted cap right off of the little girl’s head. The dilapidated vents rumbled with forced hot air, unwillingly still in use despite having aged far beyond their warranty and use. No doubt those vents spread more than a welcoming swath of warmth over customers’ heads. Most likely a thin sprinkling of lint and ages’ old dust.

Walking over towards the rows of multicolored plastic shopping carts, Daniel bent over to gently set Azalea on the tiled floor. Daniel then knelt before his daughter and helped her remove her pewter peacoat. With a gentle, steady hand he slipped each felt-covered button through the slits, one by one. With grace and poise, Azalea slipped out of her peacoat, bouncing excitedly on her plastic, purple heels with a click. Smiling, Daniel plucked the knitted cap off of her head, momentarily stuffing it into the crook of his armpit. He lovingly readjusted her honey blonde curls, tightening the sparkling violet scrunchies that held her hair in pigtails. He did so in a fashion that did not crease or crunch her beautiful hair while also providing enough slack as to not pull so roughly on her scalp. It was tight enough to maintain its form but loose enough to not hurt her unintentionally. Perfect pigtails as always. Pleased, Daniel rose to his feet with more pep in his step than he had meant to display. Eyes wide in shock, Daniel absentmindedly flailed, grappling towards the shuttered carts, hoping to hook his fingers onto the rails or through the holes in the bodies. The little girl giggled as she watched her father stumble for a half-second, having temporarily missed his footing.

After regaining his composure, Daniel selected a bright red shopping cart and pulled it out from the carriage. With great care, he folded Azalea’s peacoat up into a neat square, setting it into the seat of the cart and placing her knitted cap on the top. He then shed his own winter coat, scarf and hat, setting them atop his daughter’s belongings. Daniel then stuck out his hand, silently requesting that his daughter take it. Happy to oblige, Azalea took his hand. Pausing briefly, she brushed out the skirt of her violet dress, shaking loose a few sparkles of purple glitter onto the linoleum tile.

Eager to please his kwiatuszek, Daniel allowed his daughter free reign of the Toy Emporium. Giddy, the little girl dashed in a nonsensical zig-zag all about the store, Daniel happily following close behind. Whatever Azalea pulled from the shelves, her father allowed her to slip into the cart. Zero protest, zero haggling, zero resistance. Some may call him an enabler, others a pushover. But Daniel had his own personal reasons to spoil his only child. In his mind, it was both a desire to provide for her a childhood that surpassed his own but also the result of an underlying compulsion to shower her with affections. 

Daniel had not a delightful childhood. Having moved to America at the age of five, he grew up as an impoverished immigrant to parents who did not speak a word of English. Money was hard to come by and sometimes, he went hungry at night after school. He had been caught stealing extra food from the cafeteria more times than he could count on his hands. Thankfully, the institution was more understandable and forgiving. As a single parent, he came to understand a few of the hardships his parents endured and he knew how it could be to live in a country without comprehending the language. He had had to work hard to adapt at a young age, but even now at 26, sometimes his own English faltered a smidgeon. 

Daniel was not a wealthy man. He worked as earnestly as he could manage while simultaneously supporting his daughter. Though he did not live paycheck to paycheck, extra funds were few and far between. It was difficult for him to justify spending what little he could afford to lose most days, but this was different. This was Christmas and he was no monster. Never would he quash a child’s dreams to save a penny, especially not his own. So, he let her have whatever she wanted and it was his choice to do so. A 240-piece art kit complete with clays, oil pastels, oil and acrylic paints? Into the cart. The brand new Animal Crossing: New Horizons Switch bundle with four games? Into the cart. A skateboard, along with the proper safety gear at Daniel’s insistence? Also into the cart. Was Azalea spoiled? A bit, but not without reason. All her life, it was Daniel who was there. Loving her, caring for her, catering to her. He changed her diapers, dried her tears, sung her to sleep, made her breakfast, sewed her nice clothes. She was his life, the only girl he would ever love and, as any father should, he would do whatever it took to make his precious flower smile.

Currently, the two were passing by the sports equipment when an idea dawned on Daniel. Tapping his little girl on her shoulder to grab her attention, Daniel pointed at the massive racks of bicycles and other sports equipment.

“Oh, kochanie, why don’t you take a walk down this aisle and see if there is anything you would like for Christmas?”

“Oh, okay, Daddy!”

“Don’t forget your whistle. I’ll be over to the left.” He kissed her forehead then watched as she headed down the desolate corridor. 

In the next aisle over, Daniel made a beeline for the action figures. As he walked down the center of the aisle, he studied both sides of the corridor intensely. Of course, what was designated as “girl’s” action figures mostly consisted of Barbie dolls, My Little Pony trinkets and all things Disney Princess. How disappointing, not to mention sexist. Frilly, pink, sparkly, what a load of horseshit. He scowled, deciding to ignore the entire left side of the aisle. Now, where the hell was the Marvel section.  _ Hmm...no, no, that’s DC...oh, maybe she would like a full Batman suit! We could go as Batman and Joker for Halloween! Oh, I am  _ **_so_ ** _ getting this. Hmm...no, no, that’s Captain America...aha!  _ Perusing the Marvel section, Daniel carefully selected each and every item with the tact and reserve of a museum curator or an art critic. He would not settle for less, not when it came to Azalea’s happiness. After a bit, he finally came across the toy he had been searching for: a lone limited edition, movie-accurate Captain Marvel posable figurine, boxed in pristine condition, of course. After Azalea had seen the commercial for the toy, it was all she talked about. Daniel scoured the Internet for weeks only to be defeated at every turn by scalpers. Damn those cheeky bastards, ruining so many Christmases with their greed. But at long last, it could finally be hers.

Daniel reached for the toy, ready to snatch it up and add it to the mountain of gifts amassing in the bottom of his cart. His fingertips graced the plastic protective covering of the case, inadvertently crossing over someone else’s hand entirely.

“Ack-! S-Sorry, sorry!” Daniel apologized as he quickly recoiled from the stranger’s touch, letting the other take the boxed figurine from the shelf. He discreetly tried to wipe the top of his hand off on his thigh while remaining calm and collected. God, he hated accidental hand-touching. The whereabouts of a stranger’s hands was never clear nor were that individual’s personal health habits. Men especially. Never knowing if their hands were recently washed, let alone if their fingers had graced the inside of their noses or pants. “Pardon my ask, but I was wondering i—”

Daniel’s voice tapered off as his gaze rose to meet the other individual’s. A man no older than himself wearing a royal purple beanie was staring at him, a matching scarf wrapped loosely around his neck.  _ City Slicker.  _ He absentmindedly thought. Cyan met neptune and suddenly, Daniel felt his throat close with a dry tightness. His cheeks burned a deep rosy hue, bringing some color to his otherwise pale complexion. These feelings were something of a dream, surrounding him in a twisting sea of pastel carnation. It was then that Daniel found himself drowning. Drowning in an abyss of rose petals, cherry blossoms and pink skies. Drowning in a type of infatuation he had only experienced once before. It was honest, sincere and it felt so good to be swallowed up in the warmth it provided. It was like he was sixteen again. Those same feelings rushing back when he first saw... **_her…_ **

**No.**

Never again.

Clutching his chest, Daniel felt the demons of his past swarm him in a dark cloud. Looming overhead, their shrill voices mocked him mercilessly and he could feel the darkness closing in. Never would he ever let himself succumb to those feelings again. He had had his heart shattered once before and it left him a shell of his former self. At first, he let himself believe he might have been incapable of being loved. Why else would she—no, no he would not dare think about it. He had done all he could, performed to the best of his abilities. Despite what his inner anxiety and depressive thoughts tried so desperately to lead him to believe, he knew the truth. No matter how much it pained him to admit it to himself, Daniel knew. It was never consensual, never of her own accord. She wanted to be with him, with their daughter, she wanted to be a family. But the truth did little to console him, at least in those early days. For the longest time, he fully believed his loneliness was all of his own doing. He fully believed no one would ever love him unconditionally, that any love he ever received was out of familial obligation. His parents, his aunts and uncles, grandparents. Obligated to love him due to their blood. But those feelings soon faded. Azalea...she changed that mindset when she first opened those gorgeous eyes of hers.

However, even now the scars of his adolescence still remained, withstanding the passage of time. He had spent eight long, lonely years painstakingly plucking the pieces from the ashes of a love that had once burned so brightly. He could not bear to let himself fall victim to the same fate twice. He could not bear to let his guard down, not again. Never again.

“Hey, you alright, buddy?” The other spoke, his voice smooth and inviting. Daniel nearly melted at the sound, his heart pounding in his chest. Voice caught in his throat, he merely stared at the other man in hopes he did not say anything to ruin the moment. “Sorry, didn’t mean to steal it from you.” He peered at the empty shelf, a look of disappointment growing in his neptune eyes. “Oh, shit. Last one. Figures. Dinky little thing is pretty hard to come by; already had a helluva time finding it.” He eyed the contents of Daniel’s cart, all Marvel related merchandise save for a few unrelated, miscellaneous items. “You a collector or something?” Daniel shook his head, biting his lip. Why was it so hard for him to think? Why was it so hard for him to find his tongue?  _ God, what the hell am I doing? I’m here for Azalea, not to chase after strangers. I hope she’s alright, haven’t checked on her in a while. Oh, I hope she didn’t try to pull a bike down from the raised racks again. Maybe I should go look—  _ “Marvel superfan?” The stranger’s voice cut in, jarring Daniel from his inner thoughts.

“N-No,” he sputtered, finding his voice at last. Swallowing roughly, he cleared his throat. “Ah, uhm, no, no. I’m here with my daughter. She’s, um, superfan.” Daniel’s face flushed a dark crimson. His accent always came out whenever his emotions were running high and he often left out words which made him sound less intelligent or sophisticated than he truly was. However, his mood began to lift and slowly, a smile crept onto his face. Talking about Azalea, it always eased his worries. “She absolutely loves superheroes. I took her to see the, um, premieres of Infinity War and Endgame. She got a bit upset when IronMan died but she was only sad for a day.” He laughed. Ah, that was a fun time for the both of them. He still remembered what she said to him before he tucked her into bed:  _ “Wh-why di-didn’t Thanos die when he snapped the g-glove? Since IronMan died, shou-shou-why didn’t Thanos die first?”  _ To which he responded,  _ “Honey, if Thanos died the first time he used the glove, there wouldn’t have been an Endgame.”  _ Movie logic. Almost always so flawed.

“Ah, yeah. My little sis, Larimar, she was angry about that, too,” the stranger chuckled, ““Total bullshit, bro.”” He mocked in a nasally, fake feminine tone. Daniel could not help but let out a soft giggle. Why was it so easy for him to feel comfortable around this man? The two barely knew one another yet oddly enough, this felt far too right.

““Larimar”, huh? What a lovely name for a young lady.” It really was. Elegant. Regal. Personally, not a name he would have chosen, but to each their own.

“Ah, yeah, but try and convince her of that.” Dipping his head briefly, the stranger removed his beanie to reveal a wild moptop of golden brownish hair. The man combed his fingers through his bangs, pushing back loose strands. Not meaning to stare, Daniel could feel his chest tighten, no doubt his cheeks burning red once again. “She absolutely hates it, but that might be both mine and my brother’s faults.” The two met eyes once again, Daniel still looking as flustered as anything while the other remained calm, cool and collected. “Used to tease her and call her “Larry” when we were growing up.”

He snorted. Goddamnit, he snorted like a motherfucking pig. By no means did Daniel even intend for that to happen, it simply slipped out. Not wanting to sound entitled or rude, he quickly followed up with a question.

“Oh my God, really?” A nod. “That’s horrible.” He stated through a laugh despite mentally crying out in anguish at his folly. This man probably thinks he’s an arrogant, selfish tool. Yet...yet nothing about his facial expression suggested such. Perhaps he was overreacting, as per usual.

“Yeah, but it was hilarious,” the other dismissed. “She’s over it now. Decided it was “cooler” to go by the middle part of her middle name, Meredith.” Daniel smirked, rolling his eyes.

“Kids these days, huh?”

“Hah, yeah.” The other man grinned, turning the boxed figurine over in his hands. “Here.” Extending his arm out, he tried to give Daniel the exclusive toy. “Make your little girl smile.”

“O-Oh n-no, I can’t!” Daniel refused albeit politely. “I wouldn’t want you to disappoint your sister.”

“Ah, don’t worry about it.” The other man shrugged, waving off Daniel’s concerns. “I was gonna buy it for my nephew, but I can always find him some other Captain Marvel toy.”

“Is he a fan?”

“Huge. Loves Captain Marvel and, I quote, “She coulda crushed Thanos but then nobody woulda watched the movie if she did cuz it woulda been too short.”” Both men shared a jolly laugh.

“My little girl says the same thing!” Daniel added in between laughs. As their laughter died down, the stranger extended his hand to Daniel.

“Please. Take it.” The man gestured for Daniel to take the boxed toy, trying to push it into his hands. Their hands brushed against one another, the tops of their fingers crossing over the lid of the box. Inhaling sharply, Daniel could feel the rush of heat breaking out in a rash of angry red across his face. He was a mess, a flustered, panicky wreck. Suddenly, he was hot, far too hot for his own comfort. His sweater itched like the dickens and his collar was too tight. The air was stagnant, heavy and thick. It hurt to breathe and the world had gone still. Oh, God, he felt like he was burning up from the inside out. It was stifling in here. He wanted to run, take the stupid toy and run but his legs would not move. All coherent thought processes grinded to a screeching halt, leaving Daniel unable to concentrate on a single cognitive function, let alone move. Yet the other man continued to stand there. Why? Oh shit, he was staring at him! No doubt he was waiting for an answer or some form of response from Daniel, probably because he had more important things to tend to than wasting his time chatting with a random man in the toy store.

Utterly dumbfounded, Daniel merely stared at the man, still as red as a cherry. The two exchanged glances for a few seconds more when slowly, a wide, knowing smile spread across the stranger’s face.

Oh no.

Oh... **oh shit** .

The stranger opened his mouth, presumably to make some form of remark indicating the highly obvious infatuation Daniel harbored for him but was interrupted by another, more welcoming voice.

“Daddy! Daddy! Lookit what I found!” Azalea came thundering up to the pair, holding a white and gold box high above her head in triumph. Her heels clicked like the hooves of a horse, echoing down the corridor. She paused halfway down, lowering the box to press it protectively against her chest. Weary of the stranger standing so close to her father, Azalea reluctantly continued down the aisle. “...Daddy, who is that?” She asked as she hid behind him, peering at the man from behind her father’s legs. The stranger smiled at her kindly, dropping his arm with the Captain Marvel toy to his side to hide it.

“Hello, dear. I’m just a friend. I heard you’re a real superfan of superheroes.”

Azalea scrunched up her nose, furrowing her eyebrows. Some random man was talking to her Daddy? And he was not even a teacher or her principal? Her Daddy almost never talked to random strangers, except for waiters and waitresses...and the pizza man. Suspicious.

“If you’re my Daddy’s friend, how come I never met you before?” Ooh, she was a fierce little spitfire. Daniel blushed, feeling a tad embarrassed that his daughter was essentially interrogating this poor man. He quickly tried to come up with an answer, fumbling through his next thought.

“I-uhm...he-”

“What’s your name?”

“Kwiatuszek, proszę—”

“My name is Jasper,” the stranger _ —Jasper— _ began, unphased by the little girl. He took a step in front of the bright red plastic cart Daniel was leaning against. “It is a pleasure to meet you. Your dress is very pretty.” Though she was still highly skeptical, Azalea knew to always accept compliments, no matter who those compliments were from.

“Thank you!” The little girl giggled.

“Where did you get it?”

“My daddy made it!” She exclaimed triumphantly, proud of her father’s handiwork. She looked to her father with pride, her eyes were alight with excitement.

“Wow.” Jasper mused aloud, grinning in awe with a hint of mischievousness. “Talented, caring,  _ and _ handsome.” At the sound of a flirtatious compliment, Daniel’s blush deepened into a dark red fluster, the tips of his ears turning red under Jasper’s gaze. “Well, it’s getting a bit late and I still have to go hunt down a few more gifts. It was nice meeting you both, shame I never got to find out your names, though.”

“Oh, that’s easy!” The little girl exclaimed as she stood on the tips of her toes to drop the white and gold box into the cart. Turning to face Jasper, she gestured towards her father wearing a bright grin. “My daddy’s name is Daniel!” She responded, grinning from ear to ear. Jasper’s eyes brightened. “And I’m,” taking a step away from the cart, Azalea took a bit of sparkly purple skirt in each hand and politely curtsied at the man’s feet, “Azalea Aurelia Liliana Seraphine Vivienne Vandovear!”

Jasper bowed in response to Azalea’s curtsey, pleased to make her acquaintance. Children were seldom this polite or charming. He liked her, Daniel raised her well. He liked Daniel, too, but in a different way. The obviousness of his crush was too enticing to pass up, not to mention he was rather dashing. And his daughter was a delight, even if she was a bit protective of her father. That name, however, was something out of a princess fantasy.

“Sweetheart, I am  **not** going to remember all of that,” he chuckled. “Is it okay if I call you something else?”

“You can call me, Azzy, Mr. Jasper!”

“Sounds rad, chickibean.” Jasper grinned, affectionately ruffling Azalea’s hair. Taking his leave, Jasper started to walk past the two, heading north down the toy aisle. “I’ll be heading out now, hopefully I can see you both again sometime soon.” He winked teasingly before disappearing around the corner. Azalea giggled before running back to Daniel’s side. Slipping her tiny, pudgy fingers between his, she hung loosely from his arm as she spun on her heel.

Daniel began pushing the cart down the aisle towards the south end, Azalea skipping merrily beside him.

“He was nice.”

“...Y-Yeah,” Daniel managed to spit out after swallowing the lump in his throat. “Yeah, he was.”

The two walked up the rear aisle in silence for a bit, occasionally glancing at the plethora of boxed board games and the like.

“Daddy?” Azalea suddenly asked.

“Yes, my little babeczka?”

“How come your face was all red?” Daniel nearly choked on his own saliva. 

“I-I...uhm, it wasn’t—uhm, n-no, I—allergies! It was very dusty! You know how I don’t like the dust.”

Azalea hummed, seemingly satisfied with that answer though her pursed lips and raised eyebrows said otherwise. Daniel chose to leave the conversation as it was, no use trying to argue defensively with an eight year-old.

Almost half an hour later, the two reached the checkout. While Azalea slipped a few quarters from her pocket money into a candy dispenser, Daniel lined up their bounty for purchase. Digging through the array of objects, he paused when he came across something he knew he had never added to the cart. 

Lying face-up in the bottom of the plastic cart was the limited edition, Endgame-exclusive Captain Marvel figurine.


	2. Sleep Soundly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After an uneasy night, Daniel tries to start his day with a clear mind. However, life seems to want to complicate things in more ways than one.

Sleep did not come easy that night. With his mind racing at a frantic pace, Daniel was barely able to force himself to rest. Too many wild thoughts traversed the unkempt fields of his mind, with the more desperate of situations entangling themselves in the sticky webs of doubt.

As he lay in bed staring up at the ceiling, Daniel tried not to let his mind wander to the dark corners of a mind not cleansed. Was it wrong of him to want to believe Jasper could possibly be his savior? It sounded not only far-fetched but absurdly fantastical for him to desire a man he had only met a few hours ago. But was that not what crushes were for? To trick the mind into wanting to indulge in someone, or something, rather unattainable. And for him to want a man who showed him kindness, was that not normal? A man who paid him attention because he truly wanted to do so. A man who was kind to his daughter without using her to obtain his affections. Was that not a man worthy of loving? Was he worthy of loving? He used to believe so.

Admittedly, Daniel was lonely. Incredibly so. Internally, he was ashamed to realize that he was desperate to be touched in both sentimental and sexual ways. He longed for the mornings in which he would awake to butterfly kisses down his neck. He longed for the feeling of arms curling around his waist as he was brought into a sweet embrace. He craved the sensation of hands caressing his body. He needed to be loved by someone again, he wanted to love someone again. He absolutely adored Azalea, he truly did. He had his daughter but he longed for a lover. Azalea is his entire world, but her affections could only satiate the paternal side of his heart. The romantical side was an empty chasm waiting to be filled but Daniel himself was not certain of its integrity or stability. What had been shattered once before was now incredibly fragile. Would he risk a second collapse?

Groaning in annoyance at his own indecisiveness, his mind began to wander off to a world in which he was happier. He fell into a daydream, though in truth it could have been considered a true dream as he did not recall ever falling asleep. Daniel dreamed of a life in which he and Jasper were happily involved, living, loving and laughing together. He dreamed that Jasper was here beside him in bed. Laying beside him with his arm under Daniel’s head, his smile genuine. The two would rest peacefully for a bit before Jasper suddenly turned on Daniel. Hunched over him wearing a teasing grin laced in carnality, Jasper taunted Daniel as he hovered a lips’ distance apart. He wanted Daniel to know that he was on top, that he was the one in control. And Daniel was more than willing to accept that. Then he pressed their lips together, sealing their love with a kiss that rivaled true divinity. It began slowly, but only for a second before it became hungry. Fingers twisted in between strands of tousled, messy hair, their bodies hot and entangled. Teasingly, he broke the connection for a second to lean down, whispering in Daniel’s ear, “I can’t wait to fuck you  **_raw~_ ** ” Wandering hands pulled the blankets downwards then glided gracefully upwards to caress his chest. Delicately and drunk on love, Daniel drew his fingers down Jasper’s shoulder blades, careful not to scratch his smooth skin. Pressing himself firmly against Daniel, Jasper continued to plant sweet little butterfly kisses down Daniel’s neck and over his right pectoral. Testing boundaries, he placed a bite over one of Daniel’s rosy nipples. It was neither firm nor sloppy, quick and to the point. A poignant decision to affirm that Daniel was all his. Continuing on, his hands were as light as a feather, barely gracing Daniel’s chest with soft, fluid motions. “Give Daddy some sugar~” 

Enticed and beginning to become painfully hard, Daniel leaned in to meet Jasper in the middle, but instead of a wondrous kiss, he was met with tasteless air. Daniel woke abruptly, shooting up from having been laying on his back. He was drenched in sweat, breathing erratically and sporting a powerful erection. Immediately, his face flushed in both frustration and sorrow. Falling back onto his bed, he groaned in embarrassment, shielding his face with his hands. God, this was getting to be too much! What the hell was even wrong with him? Dreaming lucidly,  _ erotically _ about this man he barely knew, fantasizing about him though he certainly would never see him again. It was ridiculous,  _ he _ was ridiculous! And as much as he did not wish to admit it, he was dying for that dream to become reality. Once he regained control of his breathing, Daniel irritatedly tossed his covers back over his body, cocooning himself as he lay on his side. Both sexually and emotionally frustrated, he forcibly cast his bunched up covers over his body. Rolling onto his side, he cocooned himself in an effort to obscure the tent in his underwear. Angrily, he shoved his face into his pillow, fighting off brewing tears. Tears from what, he was unsure, as he was not upset in the least. Eventually, he calmed some and faded back to sleep.

The second time he awoke, it was to thin rays of sunlight filtering in between the plastic slats of the blinds in his window. Mumbling to himself, Daniel tossed back the covers and stretched. His back popped as he arched, then his knees as he padded down the hall to the kitchen. He spent five minutes boiling water and another eight seeping his lemon-ginger tea. Annoyed at the inconvenience of life itself, he made the unwise decision of scrolling through his Twitter feed while he added sugar and some honey to his drink. All the garbage and hostility vexed him greatly, which led him to question why he even continued to use the site in the first place. After finishing his tea, he tiredly trudged to his bedroom to get dressed for the day. Passing through the kitchen, he grabbed his keys, slipped on his coat and headed out to a local Polish bakery.

Daniel adored this bakery. His parents had introduced him to it when he was a small boy. It was like a second home, full of pleasant smells and good people. He often took Azalea, not only to educate her on his half of her heritage but because it was practically tradition within his family. Not only were there so many delicious sweets to try but the sense of community was strong within this tiny shop. His own little slice of Poland within America, a true place to call home.

“Dzień dobry, Daniel! Przyjdź na ciastka, ah?” Daniel was greeted by the shop owner: a bald, jolly man he knew only as Aleksander. Beneath that well-kept mustache was a man of integrity, honesty and boldness. A true Polish man.

“Dzień dobry, Aleksander. Tak, jak zawsze. Twoje wypieki są najlepsze w całej Ameryce, dlaczego inaczej miałbym przychodzić każdego ranka?” Daniel laughed, giving the man a hug when he came around the corner of the counter. Every morning since he was a boy, he came here exactly ten minutes after opening. The pastries were always the freshest as Aleksander was a master at his craft.

“Cóż, cieszę się, że tak myślisz.” The old man smiled, patting Daniel on the back. Curious, he peered down by Daniel’s leg, only to see the bare floor. “Gdzie jest ten mały? Brakuje mi jej uśmiechu.”

“Śpi w domu. Bardzo zmęczony zakupami ze mną ostatniej nocy. Wiesz, jak Amerykanie kochają swój Czarny piątek.”

“Ach, dobrze, przyprowadź ją w niedzielę! Czy potrzebujesz chwili, aby wybrać?”

“Proszę.” Aleksander nodded, then slipped between some double doors into the kitchen. Left to his own devices, Daniel scrutinized the abundance of treats, stuck on what exactly to order. The bell above the door jingled but Daniel paid it no mind and continued looking. _“Co dostać? Hmm...może jakaś Kremówka, a może babka? Mm...zbyt słodkie na śniadanie. Prawdopodobnie powinien zrobić coś lżejszego—”_ Daniel mumbled to himself in Polish.

“—I’d go with the little stuffed pancakes, the racuchy. Very delicious.” Daniel looked up in surprise to see Jasper standing next to him, dressed in the same beanie and scarf ensemble as last night. “Morning, stranger.” He grinned with a coy smile. Nervous and confused, Daniel tried not to stutter through his next sentence.

“J-Jasper!! Y-you know Polish cuisine?” He questioned, his accent a bit heavier than he anticipated. He hated how broken he sounded whenever he switched languages. It was tough to find a balance since Polish required much more effort on pronunciation than American English did. “You speak Polish??” He pressed on, oddly appalled that such information was not made apparent to him in previous.

“Well, no. But I’ve been here so many times, I’ve picked up some bits of the language. Immersion, I guess.” Daniel opened his mouth to inquire why Jasper would frequent a Polish bakery of all places when the sound of doors squeaking stopped him. Right then, Aleksander exited the kitchen with a tray full of fresh baked szarlotka. The scent of caramelized apples with a hint of lemon filled the air, making both men mentally salivate at the thought of tasting one of those delectable tarts.

“Ah, Jasper! So nice to see you again!” Aleksander greeted in heavily-accented English as he slipped the tarts into the display cabinet. “Come for your usual?”

“Ah, yes, please.” Opening one of the cabinets off to the left of the counter, the baker retrieved a styrofoam container. With a pair of rubber tipped tongs, he slid the right door of the display counter open and began piling powdered sugar dusted racuchy into the container. After dropping in about six, he closed the container and then typed some information into the computerized register.

“$3.” Jasper paid with a $5 bill, telling Aleksander to keep the change. The kindly older man smiled, slipping the bill into the change drawer.

“Still deciding Daniel?” He asked as he handed Jasper his purchase. Daniel nodded, his cheeks tinting a light pink from slight embarrassment as he smiled nervously.

“Ah, yes. You know how I can be. Always wanting the best for Azalea.”

“I understand. The little one, she is special. Only the best for her, I’m sure.” Stepping away from the front counter, the older man finished filling the display cabinet with apple tarts before heading towards the double doors holding the empty tray. “I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.”

Once Aleksander disappeared into the recesses of the kitchen, Jasper turned his attention to Daniel. The two were so close, Daniel could practically feel the warmth radiating off of Jasper’s body.

“So…” Plucking one from the styrofoam container, Jasper took a large bite out of the lightly powdered treat. Daniel could feel his mouth watering. A good racuchy paired with a light, creamed Earl Grey tea was heavenly this time of year. “...Where’s your princess?”

“Still in bed. Every Sunday morning, I bring her a fresh pastry for breakfast. In the winter, I like to make her a nice cup of hot cocoa with the little marshmallows and whipped cream.”

“Sounds delicious.” Jasper responded, shoveling the remaining bite of stuffed pancake into his mouth and closing the lid to the container. Looking around the bakery, he turned his attention to the bakery bulletin board. Most of the flyers were in Polish, which made it rather difficult for him to read let alone decipher their meaning. However, one caught his eye. A holiday flyer made of gold, sky blue, white and silver had caught his eye. It was written mainly in Polish with a simplified English translation below. “Huh. What’s St. Nicholas’ Day?” He turned to Daniel. “Is that some kind of Polish Christmas thing?”

“Oh, no, not really.” Daniel said, turning to look at the flyer as well. “December 6th or St. Nicholas’ Day, Mikołajki, is when we put little treats in the shoes of our children while they sleep.” With a gentle hand, he touched the corner of the flyer, looking at its designs with some inner trace of familiarity. “I guess it could be like a, uhm, smaller Christmas, but the more special gifts are saved for the Christmas Day celebration.” Jasper nodded along with each new fact, seemingly drinking up the information with actual intrigue. Something warm and light settled in Daniel’s chest, a feeling that felt oddly amicable while also new. Pride? Boastfulness? “Back in Poland, the children write letters to St. Nicholas in the days leading up to December 6th, like how Americans do so to Santa Claus. Sometimes, he would come to the children and hand out pictures or fruits. I still have a few of the pictures I got as a child. We were usually tested on our catechism and rewarded with pierniczki. However, Poland used to only celebrate Mikołajki. But now we can celebrate both if we choose.”

“So, you have two Christmases?” Fair enough. Though it was a bit insensitive to the source material, it was not exactly a wrongful conclusion.

“In a way, I suppose we do.”

“And that’s next Sunday?” Daniel nodded. Did he not just explain that? “Huh.” Jasper sounded genuinely surprised. Was that a good thing or was that a bad thing? “Sounds pretty dope. Wish my family would do something like that.” A moment passed while neither of the two said anything. “Do you have any plans for today?”

“...Excuse me?” Daniel asked, momentarily thrown off by the sudden question.

“Plans? For you and Azalea? Sorry, sorry, should have specified. I’m going to be spending some time with my nephew. Thought maybe you and Azalea would like to join us.”

“O-Oh? And do what?” Jasper shrugged.

“Waste a few hours at an arcade, maybe try some bowling. Oh, I have a couple guest passes to the Megaplex Indoor Adventure Park. Do you think Azalea would like to go?”

“That sounds wonderful! I’m sure she’d love it!”

“Rad.” Reaching into his pocket, Jasper pulled out a thin, foil business card.  _ J. M. Design? _ “Here, call me around noon and I’ll pick the two of you up.” Daniel’s eyes grew wide in shock and confusion while his face began to burn a deep crimson. With a trembling hand, he took the card. “We’ll grab some lunch and then head out.”

The bell above the door jingled, Jasper disappearing into the greyish-white of the early winter morning. Daniel was left standing alone in the bakery, befuddled and bewildered. He was briefly left incapable of comprehending the events that had unfolded before him less than ten seconds ago. Was he—did Jasper— **what.** **WHAT. THE FUCK.** Did he seriously just end up accepting a date? A date with Jasper? Today?? At noon??

Looking down at the card again, Daniel happened to glance down at his watch. 8:30 am. Azalea would be waking up soon. Better choose fast. Ringing the bell, Daniel waited for Aleksander to come to the counter before he ordered an assorted dozen pączki: two sweet cheeses, three raspberries, four plain rolled in sugar and cinnamon, and three rosehips.

A light snow had begun to fall by the time Daniel made it to their apartment building. Leaning against the glass door, he pushed his way inside just as an elderly woman was making her way to the door. Casting her a warm smile, he propped the door open with the front of his shoe, allowing her to pass by. She returned the smile, praising his kind act with a hearty, “God bless you, dear.” After she exited, Daniel let the door slowly draw shut and began scraping his shoes against the threadbare doormat. He then headed over to the mailboxes. Slipping his key in, he twisted the lock and lowered the latch. He briefly shuffled through the letters. Junk mail, junk mail, a National Grid bill, two Verizon bills, a Spectrum bill _ —wait, I thought I cancelled our cable subscription?— _ junk mail, coupon booklet for the supermarket—

Setting the junk mail atop the boxed pastries, Daniel headed up the stairs to his apartment on the second floor. The hallway was dimly lit, the knotted floorboards creaking under his step. As he slipped his apartment key into his front door, he heard the door to his left creak and the rusted knob jingle. Out stepped his neighbors’ little boy, Petr, fetching an Amazon Prime package tucked against the wall outside his front door.

“Is that a new toy for you, Petr?” Daniel asked with a smile. Petr, barely older than six, grinned widely. Both of his front teeth were missing, which made the boy all the more charming. “Well, that’s nice. Have fun.” He responded, stepping into his doorway. He did not close the door, however, until he heard Petr’s mother call for him to come inside and the sound of their door closing behind the little boy. It was an unspoken rule among the adults on this floor, to look out for one another’s children. It made the apartment complex feel a little less scummy but it did not make Daniel not want to leave any sooner.

Inside, he set the boxed goods down on the countertop and began sifting through the mail. Separating the junk from the bills, he tossed what was deemed useless into the recycling and tore open the bill from National Grid. The total was much higher than expected, even after all of his attempts to conserve energy. It was probably due to the shoddiness of the insulation in the apartment itself as opposed to any of his own doing. The bill for winter utilities was always unreasonably expensive. Hopefully, the rest of his bills were not too high otherwise— **no.** No. Absolutely not. He would not dare.

Taking a seat at the counter, Daniel set the utilities bill aside and opened his phone bill. Perhaps, perhaps he could move back in with his parents? Ack, no! He had moved out for a reason and he would not dare burden them or infringe upon their retirement. After all they had done for him, that luxury was well deserved. And if not for his stringent inner policy of independence, then it was his pride. Daniel did not like to be seen as vulnerable, let alone financially inept. He could not and would not allow anyone to fault him. So, asking for help from his parents was simply out of the question. If anything, he might have to acquire a second job. But then that raises the question of what to do about _ — _

“Hi, Daddy.” Azalea yawned softly, appearing from the entrance to the kitchen. She rubbed both of her eyes with her fists, her honey blond curls a tousled, untamed mess. Grateful to be snapped out of his inner stupor, Daniel set the bills aside and welcomed her into his lap.

“Dzień dobry, moja mała babeczko,” Daniel smiled as she wrapped her arms around his waist. “Did you sleep well?” Eyes droopy with the remnants of a deep sleep, she nodded numbly as he combed his fingers through her hair. “I brought you breakfast.”

“Ooh, what did you get?” She asked as she lifted her head, some enthusiasm overriding her sleepy tone. Grinning proudly, Daniel reached for the box of pastries.

“Pączki!” He opened the box with flourish, the sweet scent of lightly fried dough filling the air. Standing up straight, Azalea reached into the box and took one of the sweet cheese filled treats. Biting into the still-warm dough, she mumbled in delight.

“Thank you!!” She planted a kiss on her father’s cheek.

“You’re welcome, babeczko.” Reaching into the box, Daniel took a raspberry filled pączki. Taking a bite, he continued to talk as he got up to brew a kettle of water for hot cocoa. “Make sure you dress warmly today, it’s going to be cold again.”

“Why?” There was a pause as Daniel took a moment to swallow the food in his mouth.

“Oh, well, uhm, Mr. Jasper invited us to go out with him and his nephew today.” Azalea beamed.

“Ooh, that sounds fun!”

“He thought you would say so.” He watched her take the other cheese filled pączki even though she had only eaten half of her first. He turned his back for a second to switch the gas on for the stove. Then he rummaged around in the cabinets while searching for the cocoa packets and a mug to fill. “Now, go get dressed for the day. And remember to say, “Thank you”, when we see him later, alright?”

“I will!” Azalea agreed excitedly before running off to her bedroom.

Alone again, Daniel tore open a cocoa packet and poured the brown powder into Azalea’s favorite mug. Deadpool, of course, no pretty princesses here. He then sat down while he waited for the water to boil. Laying on the counter off to the right of his bills was Jasper’s business card. Biting his lip, Daniel picked up the card. He stared intensely at the foil business card, running his thumb up and down against the shiny printed emblem. He had promised himself he would not break, that he would not open his heart again. But then Jasper came. He saved his Christmas with a minor act of kindness, but to Daniel it meant the world. He liked to think of them as budding friends. He wanted to, and in a subconscious way he was thinking of them as more. Was he making a mistake? Would he be let down again? It had been so long since he had last had someone to talk to, to listen to, to be a listener. The nights were so lonely, so cold and the bed was so bare. If only—

**_No._ ** _ Stop it. Stop thinking about letting go. Don’t ever open yourself up again. All you will do is hurt yourself, hurt Azalea. Do you want to hurt her? Is that what you want? To let her see her Daddy cry? To let her see her Daddy in pain? To let her see her Daddy be a broken man? No. No, you don’t. So, stop thinking about what could be because it won’t ever be.  _ Turning over the card, Daniel centered his gaze on the embossed name. ‘Jasper Elliot Miller’. The cell phone number glinted like a twinkling star. Jasper had said he could call around noon. Why wait until noon? He could call him now. How easy would it be, to call that number? He could call, just for a quick chat. Maybe, maybe he could offer him some tea or-or a coffee? Maybe Jasper wanted him to call earlier than noon. There was a chance he was eagerly looking forward to this endeavor as much as Daniel was. He should call. Even if only to see if he would pick up the phone, he could call. He should call. The inner voice seemingly scowled at that thought.  _ Jasper is not a tool for you to abuse while trying to dig yourself out of the hole you are in. He is a human being, like you. He deserves to be treated fairly and not as some experiment for your ‘love games’. You may believe you love him, but do you really? Or are you in love with the idea of being with him? You were weak once before and look where you are now. Teetering on the edge of poverty. And what if you end up in the same situation as before? What then? _

Letting out a shaky breath, Daniel swallowed roughly. That nagging inner voice spoke the truth. He had to stay strong, not only for himself but for Azalea. He could not allow himself to feel again, not when it could potentially tear him apart. Jasper may be kind, he may be sincere, but Daniel could not allow himself to assume so. Too much was at risk to go based on assumptions and his past had already worn him down. Mind set, his grip tightened on the paper, nearly creasing the card. 

No. Never again.


	3. Wake Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Never has being so close to someone he can't touch ever hurt Daniel so much. And now, he's hurting all over again.

Too many thoughts were swimming around in Daniel’s head. He was swept away in the twisting current of a whirlpool of conflicting feelings, grounded only by the occasional glance at the piece of printed paper in his hands.

All through SpongeBob, he held onto the card. The glazed look in his eyes almost appeared as if he was entranced by intricacies within the simplistic design. All around him, the colors, sights and sounds of the world continued on but Daniel remained fixated on that card. Azalea hardly noticed, too enrapt in her favorite television show to see the lost gaze in her father’s eyes. She bounced on his lap as she snacked on some cheese cracker sandwiches, clapping and giggling at the cartoon. The merry sounds of the cartoon sponge’s maritime antics were muted, watery blurbs of incoherence as his attention was directed solely onto the foil business card.

_ Don’t call now, what are you, a child?? Desperate and clingy like a deranged ex-girlfriend, you’ll scare him away more than entice him. But what if I wait too long?  _ He questioned as he gently slid Azalea aside to go prep himself a cup of soothing tea.  _ Will he think I forgot or don’t care? Let him believe that! Gives him perspective. But he invited us—and he can uninvite you, too. What if he is busy? What if he forgot? Forgot about me? About us? Our plans? Call him!  _ **_NO. WAIT._ ** _ Call him!! Call him!! Call him— _

The kettle whistled shrilly, breaking Daniel away from his thoughts. He was never smart when it came to resisting temptation. His resolve always crumbled like a cookie dipped in milk. As he mindlessly fixed his drink, he typed faster than his inner voice could object. For whatever reason, he thought that the line would pick up on the first ring. No such luck, especially with a business line. The tone trilled for a bit, longer than Daniel anticipated it would. Unconsciously, the tips of his fingers made their way into his mouth as he began to teethe nervously on the skin.

_ “...J.M. Design, this is Jasper Miller speaking. How may I help you?” _

“Jasper?” Daniel squeaked out, gripping his cell phone tightly. “It’s Daniel.” A sigh of relief crackled over the receiver, lightening the weight in Daniel’s chest. Oh thank God, Jasper remembered him.

_ “I was wondering when you were gonna call me.”  _ He teased in a coy tone of voice.  _ “It’s been too long.” _

“I just saw you four hours ago.” Daniel replied through a laugh. 

_ “That’s foreverrr-!”  _ Jasper drawled on, feigning heartbreak. Daniel smirked, rolling his eyes. What a drama queen.  _ “So, what’s up? You two ready for me to pick you up?” _

“Oh, yes. Azalea is quite excited to see you again.”

_ “Oh, I feel so touched to know I’ve gained the princess’ favor. I won’t keep her waiting.”  _ Jasper declared, sounding quite prideful in his accomplishment. If only Daniel could see his facial expression, it would absolutely warm his heart to know someone was equally devoted to his little kwiatuszek as he was. _ “Oh, and Daniel?”  _ Daniel hummed thoughtfully in response.  _ “Gonna need that address, babe.”  _ Daniel choked on his tea, coughing and gagging as he spit sticky honied liquid all over the counter. Out of pure instinct, his hands flew to his throat, dropping his phone to the floor with a clatter.  _ “Daniel? Daniel? OhmyfuckingGod—” _

Following the horrendous disaster that was that phone call, Daniel politely let Azalea know she needed to put on her shoes and coat. Twenty minutes later, because the little one had decided today would be perfect to lose her favorite pair of sneakers, the duo were standing outside on the top of the cement staircase to the apartment building lobby. Daniel squinted at the ends of the road as he tried to pick out which vehicle may be Jasper’s. Azalea was deep into a staring contest with the tenant manager’s shabby, old tan office cat, Peanut Butter. Peanut Butter looked as though he wanted murder, what with his glowing orange eyes nearly engulfing his thin black pupils, but everyone knew the feline was as docile as a newborn kit and adored children.

After a bit, a bright orange Jeep rounded the corner turn at the top of the street and Daniel knew that had to be Jasper. Sure enough, the Jeep pulled over at a small section of curb at the foot of the cement staircase and out he stepped.

“Hey!” He waved. The rear passenger door opened and out hopped a little boy wearing a Spiderman letterman jacket and a backwards red and blue cap. His facial expression was an interesting cross between nervousness and excitement, as if he was both petrified but ecstatic.

“Hi, Mr. Jasper!” Azalea yelled to him, running down the apartment building steps to meet him. In her jubilation, she threw her arms around his waist and buried her face in his side.

“Hey, chickibean,” He smiled, giving her an affectionate noogie. He also playfully elbowed the young boy. “Jett, introduce yourself to the fine young lady.”

“H-Hi.” Little Jett answered in a small tone of voice. His eyes darted from his shoes to Azalea then back down to the ground. “You have nice hair.” He added.

“Thank you! I like your jacket.” Jett’s amber colored eyes brightened at the compliment, his tiny uneasy frown curling into a warm appreciative grin. “Are you gonna get the new game for the PS5?”

“I don’t have a PS5, but I did ask Santa for one.”

All through the short car ride to fetch lunch, the two children continued to talk about their niche little interests, striking up a heartier conversation than either adult could ever hope to have. Both were astounded at how easily children could go from strangers to friends. The strength of youth, to fear no consequence. It was too easy for young children to be able to speak so freely, to engage with someone completely new. There was no fear of repercussions, no fear of rejection because there was nothing more desired by a child than a new friend. It was an envious trait that Daniel wished had carried on into his adulthood because at least then, he may not have been so alone. And yet here he was, sitting in trembling silence as he tried not to let his eyes wander in Jasper’s general direction. Trapped and caged within a prison of his own making, drowning in the scent of a man he was deeply pining for.

Lunch was delightful. A pleasant little cafe where Jett and Azalea were able to easily bond over simple things. A great start to a wonderful day. Watching Jasper bond with the kids, it had Daniel feeling weak. Resting his chin in his open palm, he pushed a french fry around in the pile of ketchup on his plate. How he wished this could last forever.

It is odd how certain things can be attributed a defining scent. Arcades, for example, oozed a lecherous aroma of carbonated syrup, dust, grease and the odd crispness of deep-frying. A wondrous odor that submerged Daniel in a sea of childhood memories, golden memories that he forever relished and cherished. He remembered when his grandfather used to take him to the small-time town arcade when he was little. He could taste the plastic of red solo cups he almost always teethed on. The horrid taste of wretched grape soda flooded his mind, his grandfather’s laughter filling his ears. The jolly old man’s voice was like hearing that of an angel:  _ “Nie smakuje jak winogrono, ale z pewnością smakuje jak diabli.” _ He never did get over being tricked like that and would continue to hate all things grape to this day.

Walking the rows of games by his lonesome, Daniel found himself drawn to the very back of the arcade where a quarter of the wall was lined with Skee-Ball machines. Skee-Ball had always held a special place in his heart despite being heavily outdated. To Daniel, it was timeless and held too many fond memories to be so readily discarded. Sliding his electronic play-card through the slot, he smiled fondly as the balls clicked together upon being released from their pen. Picking up the first of nine, he held the ball up to the neon lights, caressing its worn surface.

How he missed this.

After a few average plays, Daniel found his groove. He flawlessly rolled ball after ball into the 10,000 point hole. Little did he know, he had an audience.

“Whuh?? How??” Jasper gaped at him, paused mid-squat over a stool with a cup of cola clutched in his hands. Magenta paper tickets spewed almost endlessly from the machine, curling into a large squarish mess. “How the hell are you this good?? Who gets all 9 balls in the 10,000 point hole?!” Daniel shrugged, nonchalantly brushing off Jasper. As far as he could remember, it was never too difficult to win.

“I dunno,” he responded absentmindedly, beginning to carefully fold each of the tickets into a tiny stack the width of a single ticket. He already had six thick stacks jammed into his back pocket. Certainly he had enough to get one of the top prizes. “I’m pretty good at putting balls in holes.” Jasper gagged on the plastic straw in his soda, the carbonation shooting up his nose as he hacked. “What? What did I say?”

Jasper waved him off, sputtering that he was alright in between coughs. Daniel rolled his eyes, then resumed counting and folding his tickets. Jasper watched him for a bit, his words still tumbling around in his head like pebbles in a sieve. Suddenly, an idea came to mind and a conniving grin spread across his face. Quietly, he got to his feet and stealthily went around behind Daniel’s back and picked up the stools on his left and right. Without so much as a sound, he set the stools down around the corner of the furthest Skee-Ball machine, just out of Daniel’s peripheral vision. On tiptoe, he race-walked back to his seat, snatching up his cola as if he had never left. When Daniel turned around, the disappointment in his face was laughable.

“Rats, there’s only one chair.” Jasper sighed, feigning confusion at the lack of seats. “Guess you’ll have to sit on my lap.” He shrugged, gesturing with his cup of cola.

“I’m not doing that!!” Daniel’s face flushed heavily, his voice nearly cracking as he squeaked out in exasperation.

“Aw, come on,” Jasper begged, “I don’t bite.” Suddenly, his expression shifted, becoming very suggestive. “Unless you want me to~” The red in Daniel’s face darkened in a snap, spreading so quickly that it even tinted the tip of his nose and edges of his ears. Flustered and at a loss for words, he made a sound that sounded like he was choking on his own spit before quickly turning tail and submersing himself in a new game. 

Amused, Jasper continued to watch him from his stool, casually sipping his cola. As Daniel began a new round of Skee-Ball, he repositioned himself in the center of the machine’s lane which happened to be directly in front of Jasper. With each perfectly timed throw, Daniel had to bend slightly in order to achieve the delicate balance of power and lift. Unbeknownst to him, he was giving Jasper a flawless view of his gloriously toned rear. Not that Jasper minded.

“Heh, nice.”

Mind focused on the game before him, Daniel tried not to let his concentration falter. Admittedly, he enjoyed the teasing. It lessened the pain in his heart by showing him that he was worthy of being loved by another, that he was not destined to remain alone. Though a possible flaw in his character, he craved being the center of someone, anyone’s attention. Jasper fulfilled that craving by always finding a way to shower him in affections, whether implicitly or explicitly. Jasper had seen his crush and rather than reject him, he entertained the idea. Well, no, he fully encouraged it but the point is still the same. Whether or not he loved Daniel to the same extent remained to be seen, but at the very least he was blunt with his thoughts. It was nice to think that in a way, there was a possibility that their relationship could one day evolve into something more. And while that day may never come, it was a comfort to know that Daniel could at least sleep easy knowing that out there, someone truly loved him.

Dinner that night was nothing too extravagant or fanciful, but only because Mc Donald’s hardly qualified as ‘luxurious’. Everything started out fine, filled with humor and smiles. However, things went from bad to worse when  _ it _ happened. It was purely reactionary, but that barely raised Daniel’s spirits. How he always managed to laugh so hard that he ended up snorting like a fat fucking pig around Jasper, Daniel would never know.

Jett and Azalea erupted into laughter, their high-pitched shrill squeals etching deep rigids into Daniel’s mind. His face flushed, hands covering his face. He loathed how undignified he sounded. Snorting like a wild animal. He wanted to gag himself with his cheeseless Double Quarter Pounder. He felt something lightly touch his hands before pulling them down. Jasper was turned sideways in his seat, looking at him with an earnest smile.

“Hey, it’s okay.” He said in a soft tone, his eyes shining with sincerity. “Don’t feel bad. It’s actually really cute.” Daniel sunk lower into his seat with an audible groan, face still red. Jasper laughed but not unkindly, throwing an arm around Daniel and pulling him into his shoulder.

“I hate you…” Daniel mumbled into his palms, wanting to curl up into a ball and disappear.

“Aww, love you, too, babe~” Jasper teased, breaking out into an explosive fit of laughter as Daniel shot up from his seat and took off towards the restrooms.

Locking himself in a stall, Daniel tried to quell the painful stabbing sensations of a brewing panic attack. Why? Why did Jasper have to be so blunt? Why was he so flirtatious? What about him was so enticing that he felt the need to speak his mind??  _ I’m not that special, there isn’t a damn thing special about me. I’m boring, I’m so plain, what could he possibly see in me?? I-I don’t understand. _ Rocking back and forth on top of the closed toilet lid, Daniel had his hair pulled up into bunches between his fingers, strands of blond hair sticking every which way. Why was this happening?? What did it mean? He had never felt this level of confusion and pain in his life, not even when it came to  _ her _ .  _ She _ had never given him these particular sorts of feelings. So, what made Jasper so different? Daniel racked his brain, trying to pull himself out of the dark hole in which he was spiraling into. He knew the answer but he still could not bring himself to accept the truth. But despite it all, the truth was too obvious to ignore. He had fallen.  **Hard.**

After dinner, long after Daniel had managed to calm himself and exit the restroom, the plan was to tire the children out by expelling their energy with some rock climbing. And of course, what better way to do so then by challenging one another to a race? Daniel hardly minded sitting back and watching; he was more than content with letting the children have their fun. Watching Azalea have fun was a reward all on its own. Seeing her so animated, so lively, it nearly brought tears to his eyes. He tried so hard to always let her experience the best in life, he always tried to never let her know what it felt like to not have things. Food was always on the table, even if it was not always the most delicious or nutritious. He tried his best to keep her unaware of his struggles but sometimes, sometimes he slipped up. For the first time, she could have fun without him having to worry about costs. For the first time in eight years, he felt free.

He wished he could kiss and hug Jasper, to thank him for a wonderful day. He wanted so desperately to let him know how much his kindness was appreciated, but words would never do. He wished...he wished he could let go. Just this once. Just this once, he wanted to say—

“Are you having fun?” Jasper asked, discreetly slipping his arm onto the top of Daniel’s plastic seat. Daniel barely noticed, his vision obscured by the stars in his eyes.

“I am.” He answered with a smile. So dreamy. So handsome. So kind.  _ I wish I could love you. I want to say it so badly but if I do, bad things will happen. And I can’t bear the thought of losing you. _

“Good. I hope we can do this more often.” Silence hung in the air as Daniel internally considered breaking his commitment to his vow of solitude. All of his self-doubts were slowly becoming null and void as Jasper raised not only his confidence, but his heart. It may be a bit silly to try to date a man he had only met the day before but this, this felt so right. Acting on a crush felt so overplayed and like something out of fiction, but goddamnit, did he truly deserve to be alone? Jasper was so sweet, so considerate, so generous. An angel, a godsend, the answer to all his woes and prayers. Daniel could easily see them living together, he could see them loving one another. He yearned for that future, a future that he knew he might never get if he did not act on it. Jasper was perfect. Absolutely perfect. What if—what if he was the key to his happiness? What if—

“Actually, I—”

Suddenly, there was a loud metallic  _ ping! _ followed by a fibrous snap. The world began to slow as both Daniel and Jasper watched in horror. The safety worker at the top of the rockwall swore loudly, grappling to snag both children by the ropes attached to their harnesses. Unfortunately, the teen only managed to loop their fingers through Jett’s straps in the milliseconds it took for them to react. Azalea shrieked as she realized she was detached from the repel system and began to plummet nearly 60 feet to the concrete ground below. The cerulean safety mats would do little to prevent any injuries from a fall of that magnitude and height.

In those brief milliseconds, from the sound of the worker swearing to the horrifying shrillness of his daughter’s scream, Daniel felt as though his soul left his body. His legs were numb, body moving faster than he had ever needed to before in his life. Jasper was at his heels, stumbling the second he leapt to his feet. Both men rushed the short distance to the wall.

Daniel sprinted as fast as he could but he lost his balance the second his feet crossed onto the slick safety mats. Tripping over his own feet, Daniel hit the concrete floor with a loud smack. His heart sunk the second he realized he lost his footing, his heartbeat thudding in his ears. As he went down, he watched as Jasper crossed onto the mat and barreled into the climbing wall at the exact instance Azalea’s body came into his frame of vision. There was a sickening crack of plastic and the hefty thud of Jasper’s head and upper torso connecting with one of the nodules used for stepping. Down he went in a crumpled heap to the sound of several screams of horror.

Daniel was sobbing, tears running down his cheeks as he lay on the ground momentarily stunned and in slight pain. On his back with one arm curled protectively around Azalea, Jasper lay eerily still and silent. His legs were spread in a wide ‘V’ shape, his one free arm bent at an odd angle. With his chest obscured by the little girl, it was unclear if he was breathing. Azalea herself looked too stiff, her limbs hanging limply from their respective sockets. Panic began to set in as Daniel scrambled from his fallen spot on the concrete to their sides on the dense plastic mats. Tears blurring his vision, he fell to his knees. No! No! Not here, not now! God, why did the world hate him so?!  _ Please, please don’t let me lose my baby!! I can’t lose my precious baby girl!! Please don’t take Jasper away from me!! Please!! I love him so much!!  _

Several onlookers were gathering around in a large broken circle as a few workers shoved their way through the crowd. There was shouting from the employee who managed to save Jett and there was shouting from the other workers as they worked to lower the boy safely to the ground minus a working harness. There were shouts of panicked climbers and observers calling 911, their worried voices clamoring together into one shambling audio that drilled its way into Daniel’s memories. He could hear himself hyperventilating, sucking in sharp breaths and salty tears. Above it all, Daniel could hear Jett screaming for both his uncle and his friend, screaming, wailing, desperate to know if either were okay. No one answered him. No one dared misspeak because no one truly knew the state of either of the injured. No one wanted to be wrong. Everyone wanted to hope. Hope...and pray.

Sniffling and trying his best not to have a mental breakdown, Daniel rubbed at his bleary eyes then gently, with a trembling hand, brushed back Jasper’s bangs. A dark, ugly purple-blue misshapen bruise was blooming over a portion of his left eye and spreading up his face. A thin trickle of blood dripped from a shallow cut above his left eyebrow, most likely from when his forehead connected with the hard plastic of the rockwall itself. Eyes closed from having been knocked unconscious in the ensuing chaos, Jasper appeared to be asleep. He looked so peaceful, lying there on the floor. Heartbroken, Daniel found himself tenderly caressing Jasper on the cheek, rubbing his thumb sideways against his face. Carefully, he unfolded Jasper’s unoccupied arm and held his hand tightly.

“Dziękuję Ci…” He whispered, squeezing the unconscious man’s hand. “Dziękuję za uratowanie mojej córki.” Lowering his head, he placed a kiss upon Jasper’s knuckles, then gently intertwined their fingers. He turned to face Azalea, gently rubbing her back with his other hand. She did not respond to him at all but Daniel fought through his tears to continue to try to comfort her. Softly, he whimpered to her the broken lyrics to a lullaby she always demanded he sing each night.

An eternity later, EMTs from the Sleepy Peak Emergency Services arrived escorted by several police officers and a few firemen. The world was numb, lit up by flashing strobes of red, white and blue. People were talking but he hardly heard a word. His body moved but not of his own accord, jerkily escorted off to the side where he stood by lamely. He watched with sunken, red eyes as the two were carefully loaded onto a stretcher. Sounds and angry thoughts buzzed in his head like flies over rotting fruit, the rotting mess that was his brain.

He had opened himself for a moment. For a moment. And then the entire world went to Hell.

An officer spoke to him but Daniel did not hear. As she spoke, he wrapped his arm around Jett’s shoulder, pulling the little boy into his side. His cries rang clear as day, echoing above the muted sights and sounds of the chaos they were trapped in. All of this was his fault. Had he not become so soft, maybe the universe would not have had to punish him so. Steal his daughter, wound his love and demolish both his and an innocent boy’s hearts. All he ever did was hurt others with his existence. First, the mother of his child, now his second love and his beloved daughter with a bystander thrown into the mix. He was a poison, a plague upon this earth. Every time he unchained his heart, darkness seeped in.

_ Never again. _


	4. Hurt Less

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What more can the ruthless future bring?

For two days straight, Daniel was at the mercy of the darkness of the unknown. The perpetual state of not knowing, the endless pacing back and forth in the waiting room _ —God, this room is small, what the fuck is this, a box?— _ the solemn shaking heads of passing doctors and nurses alike uninformed of his predicament. For two long, painful days he knew nothing of his precious daughter or Jasper. He blamed it on the police, whose only purpose was to gather evidence of the accident to turn over to the city courts. The police wanted unbiased, untainted, uncoached statements, information and testimony. All Daniel was to know if his daughter and friend were alive. For two days straight, he sobbed endlessly until his eyes were red, his throat dry and his nose stuffed. He cried until he had no more tears left to shed. He did not eat, he did not drink. Daniel was tired, so very tired. And he was all alone.

At the end of the second day, he was finally allowed to see Azalea. She was fine, or as fine as she could be for someone in her position. The trauma to her head resulted in the most severe of concussions: a Grade 3. Though she came to about an hour into her stay at the hospital, no one wanted any complications to arise. The ulna in her one arm was fractured and partially slipped out of place. Her one ankle was sprained and unable to bear any weight. Though it ate at his heart to see his precious kwiatuszek bound in a bright purple cast and matching boot, he was overcome with joy when he was finally allowed to hug her.

In the morning of the third day, Daniel finally worked up the courage to go to Jasper’s room after Azalea was medicated for a nap. One of Jasper’s attending nurses let him into the room, but warned him not to prematurely wake Jasper due to potential head trauma. Hearing that broke Daniel’s heart. He had been hoping to talk with Jasper, thank him for his valor and bravery. Instead, he would be sitting alone in the dark yet again.

Trying his best not to accidentally make noise as he sat down, Daniel eased himself into the tiny plastic chair as quietly as he could. For a while, he watched Jasper sleep, his own breathing shallow as he tried to hold in his mounting sobs. He caused this, he caused Jasper’s pain, all because he wanted to be selfish. As tears began to build up, Daniel shut his eyes and tried to blink them away, burying his face in his hands. A few strangled whimpering sobs escaped, muffled by his palms.

“...Hey...s-stop cryin’...” A weak voice called out to him. Eyes bleary, Daniel looked up and saw Jasper peering at him through barely open eyes, the blue of his irises dark and wet.

“J-Jasper, you-you’re—”

“...Wassup, homeslice,” Jasper tiredly greeted, forcing himself to sit up. He winced as he moved, his head throbbing from the change in position. “Docs say I bonked myself pretty good against the rockwall. Gave myself a Grade 3 concussion and a gnarly gash on my forehead.” He tried to smile but the energy was too lacking. “Where’s Azalea? Jett told me she was here, too. I-Is she alright?”

“Grade 3 concussion, fractured ulna, and a mildly sprained ankle.” Daniel recited robotically. His expression was pained, his voice dry and devoid of emotion. He sounded far more exasperated than a man of his youth should. “Her arm is casted and her foot is in a boot. She’ll have to wait until the new year to have either removed.”

“Oh...I-I’m sorry—” Jasper apologized, not entirely too certain of what else to say. Daniel shrugged.

“Don’t be. It was an accident. You didn’t mean to fall on top of her arm and foot; you saved her.”

“Whuh—I—what?” Jasper stammered, dumbfounded.

“You didn’t know?” Daniel questioned, raising an eyebrow.

“No!” Jasper’s voice cracked, teetering on the edge of tears. The horror, the absolute horror and immeasurable guilt broke his heart in two. Accident or not, he could not stand the thought of Azalea writhing in agony from that much undeserved pain. He let out a choked sob, burying his face in his hands. “Oh, God, I can’t believe I crushed a little girl’s arm and broke her foot!!” Daniel’s eyes widened in surprise, taken aback by Jasper’s tearful outburst.

“No, no, you didn’t!” He assured, reaching forward and gently lowering both of Jasper’s hands into his lap. Looking down at his lap, Daniel dropped his head to avoid revealing the bashful blush quickly spreading across his cheeks. “The doctors said it was an accident; it was the way you caught her after you hit your head on the wall.” Absentmindedly, he dug his thumbs into Jasper’s palms, spreading his fingers apart with his own. Jasper kept quiet, observing in silence as he listened. “You were unconscious, you couldn’t have turned any other way. The doctors say that—that if it wasn’t f-for you—” Daniel’s voice trembled, breaking as he paused on that final thought. His heart hurt too much to finish that sentence. “You saved her. You saved my little girl.” Raising his head, Jasper could see the tears beginning to roll down Daniel’s rosy cheeks. Though he was crying, his smile was grateful. “Thank you, thank you so much, Jasper.”

Relieved, Jasper let out a sigh. He had tried to ask the nurses about Azalea before, but none of them had any information. At least, none that the nurses were willing or were able to share.

“How is she?”

“Tired...bored. She wants to go home, sleep in her bed with all her stuffies.” Daniel forced a smile onto his face, though as he spoke it became more genuine. “She misses you. She isn’t allowed to come down, precautions and all, but she says to tell you she loves you and that you’re her favorite hero.” Jasper beamed, deeply touched by Azalea’s compliments. He knew how much Azalea meant to Daniel and he tried so hard to make nice with her. Hearing that she loved him, that he was her hero, it made his heart swell. Briefly, he glanced down at his lap. He and Daniel were still holding hands and Daniel was still toying with his fingers. Jasper debated whether or not to ask Daniel his next question. Knowing how emotionally fragile he was coupled with how mentally, emotionally and psychologically taxed he may be at the moment, wording something poorly could send him into a spiral. And that was something Jasper wanted to avoid.

“...How are you holding up?” Jasper inquired, studying Daniel’s reaction closely. For a moment, the room was silent, Daniel’s gaze focused on his hands. Suddenly, he laughed. And not a jovial laugh rooted in comedy or humor. It was unsettling. It started out loud, boisterous then shifted into a trembling, broken howl of a shattered man.

“The investigators are recommending I sue for gross criminal negligence, like I know what the hell that means!” He laughed through a fake wide smile laden with anger. “I need to attend court, testify, but I can’t afford to lose work or to pay a lawyer! I-I don’t know what to do! The bills keep piling up, the insurance company barely covers the costs of an ambulance ride!” He ranted, hot tears streaming down his cheeks as his voice grew softer and softer. “Pieprzona Ameryka, I’ll be bankrupt! I won’t be able to pay rent, we’ll get evicted and be homeless! Azalea won’t be able to attend school, I’ll lose my job!! Boże, pomóż mi!!” Upon that final plea, Daniel broke. He sobbed uncontrollably, wailing in despair at his horrible situation. He was losing control of his life due to circumstances beyond his control at such ludicrous speed and with such terrifying mercilessness that it felt as if life itself had a personal vendetta against him. Jasper’s heart ached for Daniel. Seeing him so low, it physically hurt more than the lingering pain of his concussion.

“Hey, come here.” Jasper lifted his arms, reaching out for Daniel. Leaning forward, he closed his arms around him, pulling his head into his shoulder to embrace him. Daniel dug his fingers into the sleeves of Jasper’s hospital gown, soaking the fabric in seconds with the intensity of his cries. “It’s okay,” He assured, lowering his voice to a calming level, “everything is going to be okay.” He was lying. He knew he was lying yet he continued to do so for the sake of providing comfort. Jasper knew he had no power over Daniel’s future. He knew that America fucked its citizens over with absurd monetary debts, especially when it came to health and legal fees. Daniel would be doomed if he declared bankruptcy at his age. And Jasper could not let that stand. “Hey, can you look at me?” He asked, pushing up gently on Daniel’s shoulders. Through bleary, red, teary eyes Daniel looked up at him with sorrow and inquiry. “Don’t worry about the lawyers, I...know some guys who can handle the legalities for you. As for your bills—” Jasper bit his lip. Was he really about to suggest the idea that was sitting heavy in his throat? “—move in with me.”

“Whuh?”

“Move in with me.” Jasper asserted, more firmly than he meant to. “I-I have more than enough room. Terminate your lease if you aren’t locked in, cancel your utilities. Save your money any way you can. I’ll pay whatever is leftover for Azalea’s medical fees. Please, Daniel, I want to help you.”

To say Daniel was shocked was an understatement. To say he felt anything beyond stupefaction was, at best, an educated guess.

“J-Jasper, I can’t ask you to do that!!”

“You aren’t asking me, I want to. Please, I can’t stand seeing you so upset, it isn’t right.” Jasper pleaded as he watched Daniel recoil from his embrace. That stung a bit. “If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have to worry about lawyers or high hospital bills or losing your home or missing work.”

“So, what, this is guilt??” Daniel questioned, suddenly becoming very agitated. Jasper’s eyes grew wide in shock at the accusation. He was only trying to help! “Guilt or some form of obligation?? You ‘want’ to offer us this, this  **_fantasy_ ** so you can ease your conscience??” Now it was Jasper who was angry.

“Wh—no!! Why the fuck would you even think that??”

“Because that’s all the motivation anyone ever has for doing grand gestures!!” Daniel snapped, his glare hardening into something so dark, Jasper did not think it was something physically possible for Daniel to do. “That’s the only motivation behind why anyone is ever nice to anyone!! I don’t need pity or charity!”

“It isn’t pity or charity, you dense moron!”

“Then what is it, then?? Why would a well-off American businessman suddenly want to pay any mind to a filthy Polak like me? I am the worst poison. All I do is hurt everyone around me, no one ever stays. No one ever wants to be in my company. No one ever lasts. I don’t deserve you, your kindness. Why would—why would—” Daniel sniffled, the light of his angry fire quickly becoming snuffed out. He just could not understand why Jasper was trying so hard for him.

“I want to because, well, I really like you.” Jasper admitted causing Daniel to look up at him in shock, a dark blush bruising his cheeks. “It was, like, super obvious you were into me, but I understand being confused by your own feelings. Believe me, I’ve been there more times than I ever wanted to be.” Grabbing a fistful of blanket, Jasper began twisting the scratchy fabric. “I thought that, maybe, maybe if I went with it, that maybe we could end up something more.” Their eyes met, Jasper’s shining with hope. “You don’t have to struggle alone. I don’t want you to. You are deserving. I don’t know what happened in your past, shit, whoever hurt you did you real dirty, Daniel, and you don’t have to tell me. But know that I am here for you. I want the same things you do. We can go as slow as you’d like, and as stupid as it sounds, you moving in with me now will save you a lot of financial heartache in the future.”

“I-I can’t, Jasper, it’s too much—” Daniel mumbled, staring at the linoleum flooring.

“I know, but you don’t have to pretend that everything is okay when it isn’t. Azalea isn’t here for you to pretend to be Superman. She doesn’t have to know about your problems. But I do know she wouldn’t like seeing you so torn up about this. You don’t have to keep faking it until you make it. Azalea is eight, as long as she has you, she won’t care where she is or what she has.”

“...I just want to give her a better life than I had at her age…”

“And I get that, I do, but Daniel, cutting yourself off like this, holding in your emotions so you don’t feel anything, it isn’t good for you.” Jasper put a hand on his shoulder. “Think about it, okay?”

Throughout the entire walk down the brightly lit corridor to Azalea’s hospital room, Daniel was buried deep in his thoughts. Should he consider taking Jasper up on his offer? A fresh, new start free of unneeded debts, toasty rooms and clean air. Was it healthy for him to move in with the man he was crushing on? Was it too soon? Is it the right choice? What would Azalea think? Would she want to move? Is it even in her best interest to do so, with her arm being fractured and her foot being sprained? She liked Jasper now but how would she feel after having to live with him? Would she still feel the same? Would  **_he?_ **

“Daddy? What’s wrong?” Azalea’s voice cut in, interrupting Daniel’s thoughts. Daniel paused at the foot of the hospital bed, a lingering thought weighing on his mind. Should he—?

“...Nothing, babeczko.” He lied, walking around to take a seat in the plastic chair by her bedside. Azalea shrugged, returning to her doodles. Daniel watched her for a bit, internally dwelling on his current predicament. After a while, he spoke up. “Azalea, love, how do you feel about moving?”

On Tuesday, Jasper and Azalea were released from the hospital. On Wednesday, Jasper came in his Jeep towing a small I-LUG trailer, followed closely behind by a huge Hummer driven by his brother. That, the two vehicles and trailer, were what Daniel expected to see pulling up at the curb in front of the apartment building.

What he did not expect, however, was for more than the two men to come filing out of their vehicles. Jett practically Superman sprung onto the curb, bouncing with excitement as he excitedly tugged on the arm of a tall blond girl dressed in a biker jacket, backwards baseball cap and torn jeans.  _ Larimar, _ Daniel presumed. Jasper’s brother came around and opened the passenger door. A plump brunette woman stepped out, dressed somewhat similarly to Larimar.  _ Jett’s mother...  _ The swirling emotions in Daniel’s head tumbled around like towels in a dryer. He was too stunned by the act of kindness to do much besides fumble his way through both official greetings and thanks. Azalea was happy to make a friend out of Larimar, happily regaling the tale of how she ended up in an arm cast and boot.

“Totes cool, little dude. Can I auto your cast?” Azalea shrieked in delight.

With all the extra hands, the apartment was cleared by noon. By far, the biggest surprise of the day came when the moving party arrived at Jasper’s home. It was a house. An actual house. Bedrooms the size of his apartment’s living room, a bathroom with a tub  _ and _ a shower, an open kitchen and a dining room, and oh, it was so grand! Daniel could hardly breathe. Was this really where he would be living? He walked the hall leading to what would become his bedroom. The space was so large, so open and inviting. His eyes began to water as he pulled up the blinds covering the windows. Outside he could see the beautiful backyard covered in a layer of snow. His backyard. No more filthy cracked buildings or trash filled streets. No more honking horns, screaming babies or police sirens. As he set the first of a few boxes down, he made his way over to the closet. Opening the door, he nearly collapsed in the entrance. It was so lovely and huge! All of his clothes would barely fill a corner. The tears began falling as he leaned against the doorframe. This was too much! So much space, so much room, it was beautiful!

As he cried, he felt someone wrap their arms around him from behind. He did not need to see to know who it was. Turning around to bury his face in his chest, Daniel embraced Jasper like the savior he was. His light. His angel. His hope.

Late Saturday evening, the last box was cut down and stuffed into the recycling bin. To celebrate, Jasper whipped up what he called his specialty: beefy double cheeseburgers topped with lettuce, tomato, bacon, avocado, barbeque sauce and onion rings. Of course, for Daniel, he left off the cheese. On Sunday, Azalea woke up to a small festive baggie filled with chocolates resting in the heel of her favorite pair of sneakers.

“Thank you, St. Nicholas!”

As the days passed, Daniel slowly became accustomed to his new life. In the mornings, he would wake up to sunlight filtering through partly split blinds and the jovial songs of birds merrily chirping rather than the barely muffled hacks of the ill. He would pad barefoot down the wooden flooring of the hall to the kitchen where Jasper would already be seated at the table, tapping away on his laptop as he groggily sipped his coffee. Though the two would greet one another in sleepy, rushed mumbles, there was a deeper meaning behind those half-hearted grumbles. A trembling yawn translated to, “Good morning” and the sentiment was mutual. After Daniel finished brewing his morning tea, he would join Jasper at the table and would spread the daily paper out to read it. Daniel never actually liked reading the paper, it just gave him something to pretend to do as he woke up. He would sift through the pages and pluck out the grocery flyers, sheets of coupons and the comics. However, he buried himself less and less in his meaningless charade as time drew on. Jasper was far more engaging and welcoming than the black and white text of an outdated media. Daniel found himself smiling more each morning without cause, something he never thought he could ever regain from his youth. It was comforting to know someone would always be expecting him each and every day; a decadent luxury he had not had in eight years. Waking up to find someone waiting to have morning tea with him, no longer eating alone after coming home or going out on his lunch breaks and being able to cook extravagant meals for a real family, all menial things that were almost always underappreciated. But not by Daniel. Like a gift for Christmas given early, he cherished each and every day spent with Jasper. And with each day, he found himself becoming more and more alive.

Today was Wednesday. Christmas was close now, only two days away. Tonight was a rather calm night, save for a bit of horseplay between Jasper and Azalea. Resting comfortably in his spot on the couch, Daniel sipped gingerly on his steaming cup of cocoa as the two played their favorite game. Jasper lay flat on his back on the carpet, tossing Azalea up into the air above his head. The little girl shrieked with joy each time she was tossed into the air, every shrill squeal of delight followed by Jasper’s own merry laughter. From his seat, Daniel watched the two with a content smile, his heart full of pride and love. His gaze shifted down to his cocoa, the murky brown liquid reflecting his own rose-colored stare and honied grin back at him.

_ Is this what it feels like to be happy?  _ He questioned to himself through a silent smile.  _ Am I...am I happy? Do I deserve to be? I always thought I might be bad, after all I’ve done. Causing hurt, pain and misery. I’ve been alone for so long, is this really what love feels like? Is this, is this forever? Is this really mine?  _ He glanced back up, watching as Jasper took Azalea under his arm and spun around in a circle on his heel. _ Look at you go.  _ He scoffed to himself, sipping his cocoa as his eyes fell solely on the exuberant expression on Jasper’s face.  _ I just adore you. I wish that I knew what makes you think I'm so special.  _

Daniel leaned forward to set his cocoa down on the coffee table then reclined back into his relaxed position. His eyes met Jasper’s and Jasper’s smile lowered from laughing to dreamy. Daniel could not help but let out a soft sigh of content, treasuring the moment for all that it was. He watched as Jasper began to leave the room, Azalea giggling as she hung loosely over his shoulder, waving with her bright purple casted arm. Daniel waved back, waiting until she was gone from his sight before readjusting himself on the couch. He folded his hands into his lap and angled his head downwards, trying to distract himself with the patterns on the carpet.

_ Did you see the way his eyes light up whenever he plays with her? What about the way his eyes light up when he sees  _ **_you?_ ** _ You are meant for one another, why continue to wait? Because—because—I-I don’t...I don’t know. That’s why you should try again. Instead of wondering why, why don’t you ask? He loves you, can’t you tell? He brought you into his home, eased your financial stresses, cares for you, adores Azalea—everyone adores Azalea—true, but his is different. It’s paternal, like he’s your other. Why don’t you try again? Maybe, maybe you could learn how to love like him. _

The couch shifted, prompting Daniel to look up. Jasper, now alone, had plopped himself down in the corner of the couch, gesturing for Daniel to come closer. Giddy, like he was a teenager all over again, Daniel eagerly obeyed. Sliding over, he readily fell into Jasper’s arms, resting his head on his broad chest. Being in Jasper’s arms, it was so warm and inviting. Never had Daniel ever felt so safe, so secure, so loved in his entire life. Being held like this, being held by Jasper was something he thought would only remain in his fantasies. And while the state of their relationship was still very new, it did not mean he wanted it any less.

As he lay there drinking in the warmth of another man’s touch, Daniel remembered when he used to be the one holding another and how it felt to have a head resting on his chest. He remembered how loudly a heart could beat within the absence of vocal sounds and how steady his breathing became when still. But now it was his turn. It was his turn to be held so tenderly, to be cuddled so lovingly. It was his turn to lay his head upon a man’s chest, to hear his own heart beat and his breathing slow. Daniel remembered the little things he used to do, like running his fingers through hair or rubbing circles on the other’s back. But now it was his turn and he readily accepted it. His heart fluttered at the sensation of feeling fingers delicately comb through his hair. It made his spine tingle and his muscles unclench, leaving him feeling no sturdier than a dripping, drooling puddle of goo. To be able to reach this level of comfort again, it took a lot of effort on his part. 

Initially, he refused to let go. A small part of him was welded in place in the past, obsessed with preserving what little remained of his heart. That small part was ruthless in its ability to sway his mind into believing he was better off alone, leaving him untrusting of any form of affection, no matter how slight. All of it was an elaborate trick leading to an eventual backstab and he would not be broken again. No one would ever love him, not truly, not deeply. He was a poison, etching deep into the veins of the unsuspecting, ruining them from the inside out. For the longest time, Daniel firmly believed all he would ever do was hurt those he cared for which was why he refused to allow Jasper to get so close. His resolve crumbled in some ways but only because change was inevitable. And Daniel welcomed it. He wanted to feel, he wanted to love. Being alone was torture. Every day was cold and devoid of sunshine, empty and lifeless. Yes, rejection and abandonment had utterly destroyed him once before, but Jasper was still here. He was different. He still cared. After all the two had been through, he was still here. So perhaps—

_ Maybe, just maybe, I can learn to love again. _


	5. Be Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The holidays are upon Daniel and, in the spirit of the season, he wants to indulge in some merriment. However, holiday cheer is not the only gift December will bestow upon him. The past comes to light and two questions remain: is Daniel ready to tell the truth and is Jasper ready to know it?

Despite it being Christmas Eve, the weather was more akin to that of a late spring. The sun was shining brightly, with hardly a cloud in the sky. It was neither too warm nor too cold, a perfect middle ground of pleasant. There was a fine powdering of snow on the ground, which reminded all that it was still winter. Overall, perfect winter weather.

As a treat, Jasper decided to surprise Azalea and Daniel with a trip to the local Christmas tree farm. Daniel had once off-handedly mentioned that he and Azalea had never been able to have their own tree, so Jasper made it his personal mission to end that sorrowful tradition here and now. Upon arriving at the tree farm, Jasper grinned cunningly when he heard the joyous gasp followed by an excited shriek from the backseat. As he unlatched her from her seat, Jasper could not stop his grin from widening as he was bombarded with a plethora of, “Thank you”s and “A real Christmas tree?” and “I love you, I love you, I love you!!!”

Hoisting Azalea up and onto her shoulders, since her foot was still in a boot, Jasper shut the door to his Jeep, calling to Daniel to hurry up. When he heard nothing, he peered over the hood of his car to find it empty, door closed and all. Daniel was nowhere to be seen.

As it turned out, the second he stepped out of the Jeep, Daniel took off, disappearing into the snowy green void. Wandering off by his lonesome, Daniel became fascinated by each and every tree. He ran his fingers against the bristly branches, not minding when he was poked in the fingertips by the sharp needles. Tapping his fingertips together, he rubbed the tiny bits of sap into his skin, chuckling in amusement as his fingers stuck together. After a twenty minute search, Jasper ended up finding him in the middle of the farm, starstruck at what could have easily been the perfect Christmas tree. No bare patches, no dead branches, healthy, deep green and not too short or wide. It was perfect.

Approaching him from the side, Jasper slyly slipped his hand over Daniel’s, squeezing it tight.

“This the one, babe?” Stars in his eyes, Daniel nodded dumbly, too captivated to speak.

Wanting to return the gift of firsts, Daniel invited Jasper to partake in his family’s traditional celebration of Christmas Eve dinner and midnight mass. For Daniel and Azalea, Christmas Eve was spent with Dziadek and Babcia, Daniel’s parents. With his parents being the only relatives he had in America, holidays and celebrations were always woefully small but it was the sense of community, the love that truly defined those moments and not the amount of people. And now it was time to expand their family by including one more.

“So, what is Polish Christmas Eve like?” Jasper asked, turning his head from the window to look at Daniel. Occupied with driving, Daniel stared straight ahead as he began to talk.

“Oh, it’s very exciting!” He exclaimed. “Wigilia is the 12-course vigil supper we have with family. Each course is significant to the twelve apostles. There is no meat in any of the dishes to symbolize fasting.” Briefly, he turned his head to look at Jasper. “Is that alright?”

“Of course! It’s your family tradition, I wouldn’t want you to change it for me. So, what else do you do?”

“Well, Wigilia extends into Pasterka, the midnight mass. But before Pasterka, Wigilia concludes with the exchanging of gifts.” Slowing down to a stop due to a red light, Daniel turned his head to face Jasper. “I hope you enjoy it as much as Azalea and I do, it means a lot that you came.” Jasper smiled, setting his left hand over Daniel’s right where it rested atop the center console.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Daniel blushed deeply with a bashful smile and Jasper was smitten.

The Vandovear residence was heavenly. It was a cute little cottage in the hills beyond the suburbs where Jasper lived. On the front lawn were light-up, white wire, animated reindeer pretending to graze in the snow. Homey. Delightful. It reminded Jasper of his nan’s except a lot smaller. He missed his nan, he wondered how Florida was treating her this time of year. He did not have a lot of time to ponder, however, because Daniel yanked him from the car soon after. Excited to see his parents, Daniel practically sprinted from the driveway to the front door, pushing on the bell and knocking on the door with jittery hands.

The moment the front door opened, Daniel could smell the sweet, buttery scent of vanilla sugar cookies amid other delicious aromas. Carrying Azalea inside, he was greeted with a boisterous, “Syn! Wesołych Świąt!” from his father and was immediately snatched up in a hug. Jasper stood idly to the side, taking the scene in. Daniel had this wide smile and great color in his face, he hugged his father with vigor and exuberance. Never had he looked happier. The warmth of home, the overabundance of love, it made it seem as though Daniel had never had his heart broken. The woes of the past never occurred and the pain had never plagued him. It was a sight to behold and Jasper wished he had remembered to bring his cell phone.

When it was time to eat, the first thing Jasper noticed was the straw beneath the table and under the tablecloth. Jakub, Daniel’s father, explained it was symbolic of Jesus Christ being born in a manger. He also explained that the empty setting to Azalea’s left was for the Lord Himself or a lost, wandering traveler. Lena, Daniel’s mother, unwrapped a little wafer cookie, the opłatek. She broke off a piece then handed it to Jakub. Around the table to wafer went, each diner breaking off a small piece to eat. Then, the true meals could begin. The starter was a bowl of borscht with some tiny rolled pasta. Daniel loved his mother’s borscht, it was always so flavorful and rich. He looked expectantly to Jasper, hoping to find that he enjoyed the soup to the same extent he did.

As the dinner continued, Daniel found that he and Jasper shared a similar dislike of a particular dish. As much as he tried to grin and bear it, Jasper could not stand the mushy taste of gefilte fish. Daniel giggled as he watched Jasper try to swallow the small bites through teary eyes. He never liked eating it, either. However, the remainder of dinner continued on without any fuss. Jasper adored the gołąbki, which Azalea proudly proclaimed to be her absolute favorite, too. He tried each dessert, including the nontraditional buttery sugar cookies. Lena always made them because she knew Azalea had a slightly Americanized palate, so not all traditional dishes would taste as good to her as everyone else. Dinner concluded with some gift giving, which left Jasper feeling a bit awkward as he did not bring anything to give. It was dismissed, though Jakub cheekily joked with him that he, “better bring an extra good gift next year.” Chuckling, Jasper promised to do so, vowing it would be one of the best ever.

Pasterka was not too bad. Far lengthier than Jasper had anticipated but it was nothing he could not handle. There was plenty of Christmas caroling, though Jasper did not understand a word of what was sung. Hidden by the high back of the glazed wooden pews, Daniel shyly took Jasper by the hand and stepped close, masking his blush by caroling.

It was early in the morning when the three arrived back at home. After laying Azalea to rest in her bed, Daniel trudged through the dark to what he presumed was his bedroom. Asleep on his feet, he barely remembered climbing into bed.

Later that morning on Christmas Day, Daniel woke to soft kisses on his forehead. Smiling, he slowly opened his eyes to find Jasper propped up on the pillow next to him, looking down on him with a soft smile. He was illuminated in the soft yellow glow of the partly open blinds, making him look like an angel.

“Merry Christmas, babe.”

After a breakfast of rainbow chip pancakes and hot cocoa, presents were opened around the festively lit tree. Azalea spent the morning playing with her new toys on the floor of the living room, coloring in a few pages of her brand new coloring book with her shiny new crayons. From the couch, Jasper and Daniel watched, happy to relax with one another. Jasper was sitting in a reclined position in the corner of the couch, with Daniel laying on his side on top of him. Jasper’s left arm was draped along Daniel’s back, his hand flat on Daniel’s hip. Head resting comfortably on Jasper’s chest, Daniel had never felt so relaxed. He could feel himself growing sleepy as he lay there, nodding off here and there. The level of contentment he felt in this moment was unparalleled. Steadily, he counted each beat of Jasper’s heart, slowly drifting off to sleep.

Christmas carried on rather uneventfully. Nothing was too out of the ordinary, not even the family dinner with Jasper’s family. His fathers were kind fellows, strict and imposing due to their professional lives working with the government, but sweet men nonetheless. Jett’s mother, Xena, was a brilliant chef but by far, Daniel truly adored her pecan pie. Nothing she made was short of purely spectacular. Daniel also discovered he hated the taste of eggnog, plain or spiked with rum or whiskey, he hated it all equally. Jasper teased him a bit but he admitted to hating it, too.

Following dinner, Jett asked if Azalea could spend the night since he wanted to play his new PlayStation 5 games with her. Of course, Daniel could not refuse. Onyx and Xena were welcome to the opportunity, promising that the children would not be up too late and that Azalea would keep off of her foot.

With the remainder of the evening free, Jasper offered up the suggestion to Daniel that he could decorate the house with some of his own belongings. It turned out that Daniel did have a bit of a collection of photos that he was too shy to admit to wanting to display. Eager to see what types of memories he could share in, Jasper helped Daniel open a few boxes full of old photographs. The pair spent an hour or so together on the floor in the living room, sorting through an array of pictures. Each image, no matter how large or small, was delicately wrapped in old newspaper and taped to ensure safe transport. Jasper made certain to be very cautious whenever removing one from the box.

Unwrapping the carefully taped wad of newspaper in his hands, Jasper uncovered an ornate black-iron frame adorned with sharply carved iron bats. Behind the glass was a photograph of a Halloween party. Daniel was there, all smiles and dressed like a vampire, with Azalea sitting in his lap donning a little vampire costume of her own. The two were blowing out the candles on an orange and purple frosted cake. Squinting, Jasper could faintly make out the words, “Happy Birthday”, written in sloppy purple cursive. To whom the cake was addressed, he did not know.

“Is Azalea’s birthday on Halloween?” He asked, studying the picture. He had never seen Daniel so elated before. Flipping it over, he saw that it was dated six years ago. Daniel was twenty and Azalea only two.

“Yes. And I could not have asked for a better present for my birthday.” Daniel answered with a genuine smile as he set the photograph in his hands aside on the floor. He then turned so he could look at the picture along with Jasper.

“You two share a birthday?” Jasper asked curiously, handing the frame over to Daniel. How did he not know either of their birthdays yet? Did he forget to ask?

“Yes. Azalea was born during my last year of high school.” Daniel answered, running his finger against the cheek of two year-old Azalea. “It was a Friday, the leaves had fallen from the trees. It was a little warm but not very. I missed school that day.”

"...Do you regret it at all? Having a kid so early?”

"It was...not ideal, no, but I do not regret it at all. Because of her, I had a new form of motivation. Because of her, I graduated with highest honor, though bittersweet. There are pictures. I'd love to show you."

"I'd love to see."

Pulling over the box he was searching through, Daniel dug through piles of wrapped frames. He pulled out a rather large rectangular frame, labeled with scribbled Sharpie. ‘Ukończenie Liceum’. With great care, Daniel peeled off the tape, revealing a heartwarming scene. There Daniel stood in the foreground of a rose garden, his smile wide with laughter. He was in the prime of his youth, donning a brilliant forest green cap with a bright yellow, corded tassel and a partially zipped forest green gown flowing in the wind. High above his head was a tiny Azalea in a beautiful little dress and bow that matched her father’s ensemble, her arms spread wide in joy. Neither were paying any mind to the camera, only indulging in the splendors of one another.

For a bit, the two looked over other graduation photographs. One captured Azalea tugging on the tassel attached to Daniel’s cap, sticking the end in her mouth. There was a pair of semi-identical photos, one taken right before the other. The first was of a fairly sizable group of graduates, their faces broken into variants of excitable hysterics as they looked at the half-cropped image of tiny Azalea facing towards Daniel, who looked as if he was on the verge of happy tears. Daniel explained that he and his friends wanted a commemorative photo and that he had no idea Azalea had decided she wanted to start walking that day. The second was a retake of the first, this time with Azalea added to the mix, smiling at the photographer from the comfort of her father’s arms.

As the two looked on, Jasper noted there were no photos of Daniel with his then-girlfriend. There seemed to be no trace of her anywhere, not even with Azalea. Did she not graduate with him? Did she miss the ceremony?

"Hey, Daniel, if you don't mind me asking...how come Azalea's mom isn't with you in any of these?"

"She left." Daniel replied bluntly.

"Did...did she not want Azalea?" It was an innocent question but the implication behind it had Daniel seeing red. He scowled, clenching his teeth.

“How dare you imply!!" He snarled. "Agustina Lolita Carmen Hernandez-Ortiz was the most caring, loving, passionate young lady I have ever met.” Oh, so that’s her name. Jasper thought to himself. Oddly enough, it made sense now why Azalea had such a long name. “She loved me, she loved Azalea! Sh-she...we were going to be a family...we were going to—to—” Daniel’s lip quivered, his voice trembling. “I-It wasn’t her choice...she didn’t want to leave…”

“...Daniel...what happened?” Jasper asked, broaching the subject with caution. Daniel was in a fragile state of mind, having been teetering on the edge of a breakdown for god knows how long. It was a simple question, no hidden meaning behind it, but something about the phrasing set Daniel off. He got angry, he got loud and he started shouting as if he could not hear himself talk.

“I-I should’ve—! I should’ve done more!! Should’ve tried harder, should’ve stood my ground. Gah, I was so stupid!! Stupid, stupid, stupid—” Daniel began pounding himself in the sides of the head and pulling on his hair.

“Hey!! Hey, hey, don’t. Don’t do that.” Jasper peeled Daniel’s hands away from his head, forcing Daniel to place them in his lap. Sliding over so the two were now right beside one another, Jasper then began to rub smooth circles on Daniel’s back to calm him down. “What happened?”

“She...she had to leave. Her father’s position was relocated to his company’s New York City division." Daniel stared emptily at the carpet, the fabrics blending into one large colorful blur. “She didn’t want to go. She had friends here, she had me, she had Azalea. I tried to convince her to stay with me, to live in my home but she wouldn’t hear it.”

"Well, I mean to be honest, Daniel, did you really believe that she would stay? Let her family go to the other side of the country, probably never see them again?”

"At the moment, I did. Now...now I know that I don’t.” Daniel toyed with his hands, picking at the dirt under his fingernails. “We met in the eleventh grade in woodshop." Daniel blushed, smiling as he reminisced about a fond memory. He could practically smell the freshly sanded wood and he could hear the loud buzz of electric saws. In the background were the clatter of metal squaring tools against the wooden table tops amid the genial chatter of his peers. "One of my projects, I carved her a rose out of a block of oak."

"You really loved her, huh?" Daniel nodded, lifting his head. A faint touch of a smile graced his face.

"I did. Even if it was unexpected, she wanted to help me raise Azalea. She wanted to watch her grow up. But…"

"...She left." Jasper finished. Daniel nodded solemnly.

“She didn’t want to, though."

“I wouldn’t think so.” Jasper said softly. There was a brief silence between the two. “...Did she at least want to take Azalea with her?” Daniel shook his head.

“No, but I did. I wanted Azalea to be with her mother, but, well, it ended up creating a bigger argument between us.” Jasper put a hand on Daniel’s back, pulling him slightly into his shoulder as a means of comfort. Daniel leaned into it, finding their closeness a comfort as he delved deep into repressed memories. “She wouldn’t let me give up my daughter. She said too many people would draw conclusions about my absence. That it wasn’t fair to me. I said the same about her. I tried to convince her that I would get an apartment, ask for a promotion at work and that we could all live together. She told me I was crazy.”

“Well, she was right with that last bit, but you both had valid points.” Jasper stated. He agreed with Daniel in some regards, but he had to also see it from Agustina’s perspective. As hard as it was for her to give up her child, was it really in Azalea’s best interest to be taken cross-country as a newborn? In his personal defense, he would not, at least not at such a young age where he would barely know the area in which he would be living in. He assumed that was what Agustina’s rationale was. To keep Azalea where she would be best cared for, even if that meant leaving her behind. He could see why it hurt Daniel so much, to lose someone he deeply cared for. He could also see why it was so frustrating to be turned down at every suggestion, despite those rejections being based in fact. But what he did not understand was why Daniel blamed himself. Other than being stubborn, it did not sound as though he did much of anything wrong. All he did was try to offer help. Yet, for some unknown reason, he still saw himself as a failure.

“...It may sound as though I am free of blame, but I know I am guilty.” Daniel replied in a low tone, similar to a pout. “I didn’t do enough, I didn’t try hard enough.”

“But Daniel, you have to realize, Agustina leaving was not your fault. You weren’t the CEO of her dad’s company. You didn’t move his job. And as best as you tried, you have to know that Agustina had her own reasons. If she was flying to New York City, do you really think she would want to put Azalea on a plane at that young an age? And I’m pretty sure there are age restrictions on flying with babies, anyways. She probably had no choice but to leave Azalea with you.”

“B-But, we would have found a way—i-if I had tried harder, talked to her more, convinced her to stay—”

“Daniel, please, don’t blame yourself. Things...happen. Agustina made a choice and you made yours. Think of it this way: maybe she thought you were the more responsible out of the two of you. She probably knew you would give your all to raise Azalea the best you could.” Jasper suggested as he rubbed his hand up and down on Daniel’s shoulder. “And didn’t you?”

“...I did…” Daniel responded in a meek tone.

“And Azalea turned out just fine. She loves you, she loves being with you. You should hear how much she talks up your sewing skills when you aren’t around.” Jasper chuckled. That brought a smile to Daniel’s face. He **had** done everything he could for her, did he not? Maybe, maybe Agustina knew that. “I’m sure she loved you. I know it broke her heart to leave, but in the end, it may have been the only decision she had to make. It was never your fault. It was never hers. It was a shitty, unavoidable circumstance that only offered bad endings. Lose your girlfriend or lose your daughter. Neither one sounds like a picnic.” Jasper’s hand fell from Daniel’s shoulder and came to rest atop his hand. “I may not be her, but I won’t love you or Azalea any less than she may have. I want you to be happy, I want you to know that you are worthy of being loved. I love you. You are perfect, Daniel. Please don’t ever feel obligated to change.”

For a moment, all was still. Suddenly, Jasper felt little drops of cold wetness on his hand. Faintly, he could hear the soft sound of quiet sniffling. Instinctively, his grip tightened on Daniel’s hand, squeezing it tightly to let him know that, “Yes, it’s okay to cry,” and “Yes, you can trust me to always be there for you.” He was Daniel’s shoulder to cry on now and he would always welcome him with open arms. Hot tears blinded Daniel, forcing him to shut his eyes as he sobbed. All these years, he blamed himself for not fighting hard enough to keep his family together. All these years, he suffered from the belief that it was because of him that he lost his happiness. He had been hurting for so long, he rarely knew what actual joy felt like. And now he had it.

Still sobbing, Daniel turned around and wrapped his arms around Jasper, clinging desperately to a love he could not bear to lose. He wanted to be held so he could finally stop hurting, Jasper always managed to stop the hurt. And the hurting did stop. After eight long years, Daniel was no longer trapped in a prison of his own making. He was freed by two lovely, strong arms crossing over his back and a pair of soothing, firm hands sliding effortlessly into his hair. Daniel tightened their embrace as he sobbed into Jasper’s shoulder for perhaps the hundredth time since the start of their relationship. He hoped his vulnerability was not too much of an issue for Jasper. He knew he looked a disgusting mess, with his drippy red nose, swollen eyes and constant sniveling. Sometimes, Daniel wondered why Jasper bothered to entertain the idea of the two of them being together. It felt one-sided at times, with Jasper always giving and Daniel always taking it in.

_“Don’t go. Don’t leave me alone.”_ He whispered hoarsely, his voice rough from all the tears he had shed. It was his final plea to aid him in escaping the darkness that held him prisoner. Jasper leaned forward, pressing a tender kiss to the top of Daniel’s head. 

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”


	6. Begin Anew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The coming of the New Year brings about many new changes for Daniel, but is he truly ready to accept those changes?

Daniel struggled to keep his eyes closed. Curled up in a fetal position beneath the covers of his bed, he tried his best to drown out the elements warring outside his bedroom window. His fingers dug into the flimsy white fabric of his pillow’s case as he clutched desperately to his only earthly tether. Loose fibers caught under his nails.

Thunder crashed for the tenth time in the past five minutes, loud and brash. Daniel winced in discomfort, shoving his head underneath his pillow in a sad attempt to drown out the bellowing thunder. What had started out as a blissful end to a wondrous Christmas Day had quickly devolved into a boisterous nightmare of unruliness.

The world was collapsing in on him. There was no air or light. It was dark, darker than night. Words failed him as strangled gasps escaped his throat. He tried harder and harder to force out a lavish dream to escape into, something to distract him enough to fall back asleep. Nature threatened to drown him out with fierce lightning cracks, the blanketed lump of his body illuminated in its irradiant flashes.

Fed up, Daniel thrust himself into a sitting position, scowling with a squint through the night at the end of his bed. Why was it so difficult for him to sleep through these things? Why did every tender pitter-patter of rain, clap of absurdly explosive thunder and crack of brilliant lightning assault his senses so terribly that it almost always roused him from a deep sleep? Every sound, every shift of weight always bothered him. The creaks of the floorboards, the moans and groans of the walls settling, the drip of faucets, it was all too much to bear. He had almost never had a peaceful night’s rest except...except for after midnight mass on Christmas Eve. He had gone to bed surrounded by the plushness of a firm yet soft mattress shrouded in silken sheets and topped with the smoothest, most downy blankets. His body was lax, his mind free of intrusive and problematic thoughts. There were no outside interferences to quash his slumber that night, leaving him to rest until he was awoken the next morning with a kiss. Unquestionably, his sleep had been greatly improved but through what methods, he remained unsure of. Even as he lay here contemplating in the dark, the answer was still unclear. 

What had made his sleep that night so much more inviting? What exactly had differed between then and before, then and after, that left him at peace. Was it...was it because he fell asleep in Jasper’s bed? Was it because he had fallen asleep with Jasper, secure in his arms til the new morning sun?

Truthfully, he longed to be rid of the emptiness that a single bed offered. The crushing solitude of sleeping by himself tore at his heart, leaving him feeling exposed and vulnerable. Who would be there to console him when he suffered nightmares? Who would hold him through the night to ensure he woke the next morning? Daniel wanted it to be Jasper. He could not survive off of daytime frivolities alone. He hungered for nighttime caresses, to feel hands in his hair and kisses on his lips. He craved attention and was longing for contact. Jasper brought him so much happiness, so much freedom. Was it wrong to want a little bit more?

Lightning flashed, immediately followed by a resounding crack. Daniel jolted, whimpering in irritation. He hated storms with a fiery passion. Maybe...maybe Jasper could help him sleep?  _ That wouldn’t be too much to ask, would it? To sleep in his bed with him? Even if it was only tonight?  _ Daniel pondered internally. After a moment of deliberation, it was decided. 

Kicking off his covers, he got out of bed and padded barefoot through the darkened home down a few feet to Jasper’s room. With a gentle hand, he pushed the ajar door open far enough to allow him to slip through and stepped gingerly inside. Fast asleep, Jasper remained unbothered.

As he stood in the entrance to the bedroom, Daniel noticed something different about this room compared to his own. It was...quieter in here, save for the untroubled clamor of Jasper’s snoring. Aside from that, he could no longer hear the weather raging outside. No, the storm appeared much more muted and far duller in volume as though it were very far off in the distance. Why? Why was that? But enough introspection, it was late, or rather very early in the morning, and Daniel was far too tired to continue to think coherently. Stepping forward, Daniel timidly called out to Jasper.

“...Jasper?” Daniel asked hesitantly, his voice high in a whisper. With great reluctance, Daniel bent slightly and reached to push gently on the mattress. “...Jasper?” He repeated, speaking a bit louder. At the sound of someone’s voice, Jasper turned over onto his back and began fumbling about as he tried to pull the cord to a table lamp. The chain jingled and clanged against the base, a brilliant yellow suddenly illuminating both men. Fighting through the pain of the sharp contrast, Jasper could barely make out the shape of a person at the end of his bed.

“...D-Dan...ny…?” Jasper murmured, squinting through the bright light. His eyes were barely open, the blue in his eyes so dark from sleep that the color appeared black. “Wh’s wrong…?” Jasper’s voice trailing off as he yawned. In the background, a muffled cacophonous eruption blasted outdoors followed by a streaking flash of bright whitish yellow.

“I-I—can I sleep in here with you?” Daniel asked timidly, lingering at the foot of the bed. Despite barely having the energy to stay awake, Jasper managed to smile. He angled his arms upwards, propping them up on his elbows.

“C’mere.” Moving around to the side of the bed where Jasper lay, Daniel pulled back the blankets and climbed into bed. Jasper latched onto him the moment he slipped under the covers, pulling their bodies flush to one another. “Better?” Daniel nodded shyly, his cheeks a deep rosy hue. “That’s good.” Jasper yawned tiredly, shifting so he was now positioned on his back with Daniel nestled firmly at his side.

Briefly, he let go of Daniel to turn off his bedside lamp, lazily fumbling around above his head as he grappled for the slippery chain. With a soft  _ click! _ , the two were shrouded in darkness once again. Jasper dropped his left arm over his stomach, his right hand resting squarely on Daniel’s hip. Stifling a second yawn, he turned his head towards Daniel, smiling as he pressed a soft kiss to his forehead before burying his nose in his hair.

For a while, Daniel rested in place, squinting through the inky blackness up at the blank white ceiling. All was still with nothing more than the rise and fall of his own chest in motion. The serenity he could now enjoy as he lay in bed between Jasper’s arms was immeasurable as he relished in being held so tightly he may never try to ever leave this bed. As he lay there in complete darkness, listening to the rumble of Jasper’s tumultuous snores, Daniel could feel this sort of calm warmth spread over him. No longer did he feel so stiffly bound within his own body. Tentatively, he toyed with his own fingers, unfamiliar with what choices he had at his disposal. He had slept by his lonesome for so long, should he go to sleep again? Would Jasper be here when he woke?

Suddenly, there was a break in Jasper’s snoring as he mumbled something under his breath, his arms drawing in as he dragged Daniel flush to his chest. Letting out a soft chuckle, Daniel closed his eyes and dropped his chin, nuzzling against Jasper’s forearm.

Undoubtedly.

Over the course of the next week, gradual changes began to take place. After a lovely breakfast of bacon and scrambled eggs on Saturday, Daniel slipped his pillows onto Jasper’s bed as he was making it. As he finished tucking the corners into the bed, he began to put away the laundry he had resting in the basket by the door. Smoothing out the wrinkles by hand, Daniel took care in putting away all of Jasper’s clothes, including tucking his underwear into the top left drawer of his dresser. All that was left was his own bathrobe. Pulling back the bedroom door, he hung his robe on the peg beneath Jasper’s own robe, then pushed the door open. Grabbing the basket, Daniel then switched off the light. Following Sunday dinner, Daniel began to relocate his entire wardrobe from his bedroom closet to the unused back portion of Jasper’s closet. By lunch on Tuesday, Daniel had hung up the last of his shirts and the old closet was once again bare. On Wednesday, some of the photos he had saved were now proudly displayed on his bedside table beneath the lamp. There was also a new one in a large golden frame taken on Christmas Day with Jasper’s silly Selfie-Stick: him, Jasper and Azalea all squished together on the couch , smiling and laughing while wearing their pajamas and donning silly Christmas-themed hats. Thursday morning was spent doing a bit of redecorating. The room that had once been his bedroom was now repurposed into an office of his own making, filled to the brim with his sewing materials. The closet was full of spare supplies and half-finished projects. Daniel could not wait to rekindle the fiery passion he held for his craft.

While the week had started off with welcome changes, it was Thursday afternoon that had the biggest, and rather frightening, change of all. Azalea was due to have both her arm cast and boot removed, of which she was very excited to do. At long last, she could do all her favorite things again! Play out in the snow, go ice skating, go rollerblading, dance properly with her Daddy and Jasper, and of course, take a shower without wrapping her arm in a garbage bag. Finally, she was free! 

Now, the removal of the orthopedic boot was easy. All the doctor needed to do was loosen a few plastic caps before pulling a few restrictive straps through the latches. After a few tests to ensure her ankle had healed properly, the doctor moved onto removing Azalea’s arm cast. That was where things began to spiral.

Azalea herself was perfectly fine, eager to be able to use her arm to the fullest extent. Daniel, however, was far less composed. He was jittery, trembling quite visibly at the sight of the cast saw. And the sound, the horrible grating sound that wretched thing made as it powered up, it might as well have been sawing through his chest. In an effort to keep him from attempting anything rash, Jasper had his arm around Daniel as the two sat in the hard plastic seats designated for nonpatients. One of his hands was holding tightly to Daniel’s waist, keeping him seated firmly in place while the other was intertwined with Daniel’s. Gently, he gave Daniel’s hand a quick squeeze, something he knew Daniel found to be comforting.

“She’ll be fine.” Jasper repeated once again. Briefly, he glanced over at Azalea as she asked the doctor about getting a lollipop afterwards. “That dinky little thing makes a lotta noise, but isn’t anything more than a glorified electric pizza cutter.”

“I-I know,” Daniel murmured, resting his head on Jasper’s shoulder tiredly. “It’s—well, she’s my baby, those tools, so close to her fragile little arm, I-I can’t—moja kochana córeczka.” Close to tears, there was a tremble in Daniel’s voice that he could not hide. He knew the purpose of the tools, he knew there was little to fear and yet he felt an overwhelming compulsion to rise up to protect his daughter. He could only watch in pained suspense as the toothed blade of the saw began to etch its way through the plaster, spitting a short plume of dust. Gritting his teeth and shutting his eyes, Daniel buried his face in Jasper’s neck, grimacing with a strained whine of discomfort.

Squeezing his shoulder to comfort him, Jasper tipped his head down to place a kiss atop Daniel’s head as he whispered words of solace to calm him. Azalea was fine. Everything was fine. There was nothing to worry about. There would never be anything to worry about.

Never again.

Later that night, about two hours before the new year began, Jasper paused the movie he and Daniel were watching to address something that had been weighing on his mind. He spilled his feelings then and there, expressing how he was deeply worried about the state of Daniel’s mental wellbeing. The intensity of his anxieties rooted in past mishaps mixed with the overwhelming depression that continuously ate at his psyche, it was far too much for one person to bear. For eight years, Daniel was left to swim the treacherous seas of his inner mind, fighting the tidal waves of consternation and despondency with nothing more than his own nonexistent strength. He pushed and pushed and pushed himself to the brink each and every day. Yes, he was making improvements and yes, he was beginning to break free of those iron chains locking him down but there were always triggers lying in wait. The minor breakdown at the orthopedics center today was proof, proof that he was still fragile, that he was still healing. To be blunt, Jasper knew Daniel needed more help than he could give. He needed the professional kind.

“I...eh, well, Daniel, you need to see a therapist.” Taking his hands in his, Jasper looked Daniel straight in the eyes. He could see the weight of eight years of uncertainty, societal pressures, single parenthood and the fear of the unknown bearing down on him. Daniel may pretend to be fine, but only an idiot would believe that gilded facade. “I know you’re making an effort, but I don’t want to see you be dragged back down again. I-I—I want to see you smile. I want to hear you laugh. You are so handsome when you smile, you’re adorable when you let yourself laugh. I want to see more of you, well, being you. Living, laughing, smiling, being free. I can only help you so much on my own.” Letting go of his right hand, Jasper reached up to caress Daniel’s cheek. His thumb traced the delicate outline of his cheekbones, a dreamful gaze plastered across Jasper’s face. Lovestruck. “I love you so much, I hope you know that. Please, believe me when I say it to you. Please go. I only want what's best for you because...I love you.” 

Leaning forward, Jasper closed the distance between the two of them. He pressed their lips firmly together and Daniel reciprocated. Jasper’s hands slipped under Daniel’s shirt and roamed his body. He had such a lithe, slender frame with such supple skin. It was so soft yet so delicate, almost to where even the slightest too rough a touch may cause a bruise. Jasper could not wait for the day when he could witness Daniel in all his glory, but for now, a gentle hand was key. All he wanted was to kiss him, hug him, love him, make him feel as though he were the best in the world. But before he could do that, he needed to make sure Daniel took care of himself.

In the background, the clocks chimed. It was midnight. The new year had begun which meant that there was a chance at a new beginning. There was a chance for a new Daniel. When the two separated, Jasper found himself looking into Daniel’s eyes, lost in a sea of blue. His heart fluttered, skipping a beat. Daniel was so handsome, so charming, whatever did he do to be blessed with his presence? How did he manage to steal his heart so easily?

“Okay.” Daniel agreed softly, fighting back tears with a heartfelt smile. “I’ll go.”

And he did. There was no questioning reasons why he should go, Daniel was fully aware of the ramifications if he chose to ignore Jasper’s concerns. It was a road he would rather not take, not when life was finally turning around for him. So, he went for Jasper, to show he valued his opinions and trusted his judgments. He went for Azalea because he knew he needed to be strong for her and that he only ever wanted to be at his best for her. And he went for himself because he knew he could only get better and not worse. And talking to someone, really, truly talking, seemed to help. 

Due to revelations surrounding the intrusive thoughts worsening whenever he was alone, Daniel’s therapist recommended he search for an Emotional Support Animal. Following a file for the certification, the paperwork would require a week at most for approval. Until then, the animal would be no more than a mere pet but it could still serve its purpose.

That led Daniel to where he was now: leaning against Jasper’s shoulder as he held onto him for comfort, standing before a wall of glass terrariums filled with rodents at the Sleepy Peak Humane Society. Daniel had...particular tastes in animals. Dogs were too loud and too high-maintenance like a feral child. Cats posed possible environmental issues, such as tearing up Jasper’s furniture or urinating outside of a designated location. In both cases, Daniel did not want to be constantly cleaning, much less having to tend to feces. So, he decided on rodents, particularly rats. Intelligent, impressionable, small, manageable and falsely infamous. Rats were intriguing creatures that Daniel had always had a fondness for. As Jasper walked him down the wall of cages, Daniel began to reminisce about his childhood. During his elementary years, he had a small golden furred rat he called Piszczałka. He used to sneak Piszczałka into school by hiding it in his shirt pocket or in the flap of his bookbag. Recess had never been so enriching. Maybe he could try again, teach his new rat how to fetch or sit on his shoulder.

Happening to glance at a particular cage, what Daniel saw caught his attention. Stopping midwalk, he approached the glass, cupping his hands by his eyes as he peered inside. In the far corner of the glass tank was a huge white ball of fluff, far larger than Piszczałka had ever been. Captivated, Daniel lightly tapped a fingernail against the glass, wanting to draw the attention of the rat inside. Once, then twice he knocked. Suddenly, the large white ball shifted and a pointy little head popped up from under a lump of aspen bedding. The rat squinted at him with bright, shiny black eyes, its pink nose wiggling. Shifting, the rat got to its feet, its whiskers twitching as the two held eye contact. Intrigued, the little rat took a timid step forward, paused, then scampered up to the glass in front of Daniel’s face. It pawed at the glass, nose wiggling as it sniffed about. Daniel smiled, wiggling his fingers playfully. The rat followed his movements, pawing at his fingers which made Daniel giggle.

Having lost interest in the guinea pigs a few cages over, Jasper joined Daniel in watching the white rat play. Draping an arm around Daniel, Jasper peered at the glass with interest. A golden label was plastered to the bottom left corner of the front of the tank. Printed in thick black lettering was a generic description of the animal:  _ “Breed: White Dumbo Rat. Sex: Male Age: 5 Weeks”.  _ Turning to face Jasper, Daniel was aglow with a happiness that seemed almost foreign on his face.

“I want to adopt this one.” He declared cheerily with a smile. Eager to see what animal he chose, the worker who had been hosting the two walked over. However, her joyful smile faltered when she laid eyes on the label of the cage.

“Oh, honey, you don’t want that one.” The light in Daniel’s eyes died out almost immediately, his heart nearly breaking.

“Wh-what? Why not?”

“This one here is the most aggressive rat we have.” The worker clarified, gesturing with her thumb at the rat that was licking at its water bottle. “That’s why he’s all by himself. He has a nasty tendency to bite, he’s even drawn blood. He’s also quite a seasoned fighter, picking on both male and female rats. Pisses on everything and everyone, too, and not for marking territory.” She spoke with a slight venom in her voice, as if this rat had hurt her personally. Perhaps it could have but the bias in her story was not helping her case. “He  _ is _ neutered, which is what confuses all of us. Neutering reduces aggression in male animals by eliminating their propensity for mating. In rats, it also eliminates the risk of testicular cancer, which is common. We think the experience might have traumatised the poor little guy and now he associates all of us with it. Doesn’t explain why he nips some visitors though. That might just be preference.” She sighed dejectedly. “It’s a real shame, he’s a beautiful rat.”

Daniel wanted to cry. This poor rat, fated to live by his lonesome because of a few personal issues. How was that fair, to doom it to eternal solitude for reacting to a situation it did not choose to be in? The similarities were too strong for Daniel’s liking, which only strengthened his desire to adopt this rat and bring it home. Maybe then, the two of them could work through their traumas together.

“Can I hold him?” Daniel pleaded, desperate to save this animal from dying alone. The woman bit her lip, desperate to avoid a possible bite injury of yet  _ another _ potential adoptee.

“Are you sure you don’t want any of our other rats?” Daniel paused, looking down at the little white rat, who had come crawling back to the glass. Sitting on its haunches, it raised a single paw to the glass where Daniel had his hand pressed. Its pearly black eyes were shimmering with this look of pleading, as if it were begging to be freed. How could he condemn the rat to a life of misery and loneliness when he himself knew exactly what that could do to one’s mind? How long had he gone without feeling genuine happiness? And even now, the extent of the damage dealt remained unclear. He was a human, he had opportunities to cry out for help. This rat did not. But that would change. Daniel wanted to  _ be _ that change.

“...No. I know he might have some issues, but, I still think he deserves a chance at home, right?”

“I...no, you’re right.” The lady conceded. After all, that was the purpose behind this facility. “You may hold him, but do be careful.” She said as she headed towards the staff entrance to access the rodent cages.

Watching the worker try to remove the rat from its enclosure was amusing. Donning a pair of rubber oven mitts, she approached the glass tank with reproach, gingerly removing the lid. With great hesitation, she lowered a mitt-covered hand down onto the bedding behind the rat. Unsurprisingly, the rat did not take kindly to the intrusion of its territory. Based on the shrill gasp of a slipped profanity, it had clamped down hard on the woman’s thumb. No doubt those sharp little teeth had cut through the protective layer of rubber. Hurriedly, she practically shoved the animal into Daniel’s arms, wanting to be rid of the rodent as soon as possible. The rat clambered about, gripping onto Daniel’s shirt with its tiny pink paws. It climbed about halfway up Daniel’s chest before it stopped, head pressed to his heart. Carefully, Daniel ran his fingers through the rat’s soft, white fur from the neck to the bottom of his bum. Over and over in a repetitive motion, he combed through the silken fur while supporting the rat from below with his other hand. The rat shifted upwards, its tail twitching before wrapping partially around Daniel’s wrist like a thick pink wristband. Its large pink ears flattened against its head as it allowed Daniel to continue to stroke it from head to bum.

_ “Sweet boy, oh, you’re so cute. Yes you are, yes you are. You want to come with me? You want a new home?” _ Daniel whispered to the rat in a quiet tone, massaging the rodent’s face with his thumb and forefinger. As he did, the rat began to emit a soft chattering sound, its eyes drooping as it appeared to be lulled to sleep. Amazed by the transformation in the rat’s behavior, the worker was stunned into near silence.

“Wow...I’ve never seen him that calm before.”

“I think all he needed was a little bit of love.” Daniel said, still speaking in hushed tones. Lifting his head, he met the worker’s astonished gaze with one of hope. “Are you sure we can’t take him home today?”

“I’m afraid not, honey. He still needs to show some signs of improvement in his behavior, at the bare minimum we need to solve his urination issue. If it’s health related, he may be unadoptable. As for the biting, we could always supplement new chewing toys and firmer foods to satiate his need to bite. You don’t mind waiting a bit, do you?”

“No, I guess.” Daniel sighed, dejectedly. “The paperwork still has to be finalized and that may take a bit.” He explained, rubbing the top of the rat’s head between its ears. “Could we come visit until then?” The lady smiled.

“I don’t see why not. Positive associations will vastly improve his behavior, especially since he already seems so attached.” Daniel’s expression brightened, gasping in delight.

_ “Did you hear that, Snowflake?”  _ He excitedly whispered to the rat, whose head lifted at the sound of a name.  _ “We’re going to visit every day until you can come home.” _

“Snowflake, huh?” Jasper snickered, giving the rat a gentle chin scratch.

“I-I, well, he’s white!” Daniel stammered as he tried to defend his choice. “A-and he’s so sweet, so gentle. He wouldn’t hurt anyone, not on purpose.” The rat—Snowflake—licked Jasper’s finger with its tiny pink tongue, grabbing onto the tip of his finger with its paws. It was a weird feeling, the sloppy wet sensation of a tiny, hot blob swirling over his finger but Jasper found it amusing. It tickled, it was cute and he absolutely loved it.

“Hey, you guys got any empty playrooms?” Jasper asked the worker, who had been watching the two of them with a wide smile. “I wanna see if I can teach the little guy to find my wallet.”

The lady laughed, then gestured to the left of the hallway.

“Right this way.”


	7. Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Good things come to those who wait, but sometimes those "good things" can be a bit more than one can handle.

Following the initial visit to the Sleepy Peak Humane Society, Jasper and Daniel continued to visit Snowflake as promised. For two whole weeks, the pair spent about three hours out of their day at the Humane Society while Azalea was in school. During those two weeks, Jasper and Daniel were seated in the playroom, teaching their beloved rat an array of astounding tricks while also providing enrichment through mundane play. Not all of their time was spent teaching, there were plenty of pets, cuddles and kisses shared as well. After all, Snowflake deserved plenty of recognition for his achievements as any “good boy” should.

As it turned out, Snowflake was an intellectual prodigy. He learned a fair amount of basic things, such as how to differentiate shaped toys or how to play checkers by nosing the pieces around on the board. He also learned advanced skills such as associating names with different individuals. Whenever Jasper gestured to Daniel and told the rat, “Go to Daddy,” Snowflake would scamper over to him and climb into his lap. Whenever Daniel pointed to Jasper and said, “Go find Papa,” Snowflake would run to him. But by far the most impressive skill Snowflake learned was retrieval. Staying true to his word, Jasper had managed to teach the rat how to locate his wallet from almost any possible location. Never had either man ever been prouder of an animal in their lives.

Today’s visit was different from the others. Rather than spend it teaching him new tricks or running him through mazes or up wooden bridges, Daniel wanted to spend the visit showering Snowflake with affections. Of course, Snowflake took this as a means to act spoiled.

Feeling cheeky, Snowflake decided he wanted to hoard toys inside of the front pocket of Jasper’s hoodie. Every time Jasper removed a toy, the rat would dash out, grab the toy and drag it back into his nest. Deciding it would be best to nip toy hoarding in the bud before it became an issue, Daniel popped open a Ziplock full of purple grapes. Grapes, specifically the purple ones, were Snowflake’s favorite snack. Digging his thumbnail into the flesh of the grape to release its juices, Daniel held it down by the open end of Jasper’s hoodie pocket. Tempted by the sweet smell, Snowflake peeked his head out from his hiding place, whiskers twitching as he sniffed the grape. Baited by the delicious scent of a mouthwatering snack, Daniel lured the rat out of Jasper’s hoodie pocket, across Jasper’s stomach, over his own stomach and onto his lap. He then handed the fruit to the rat, watching him eat with fascination. The way his tiny paws gripped onto the food, holding it like a human would a hamburger, it was adorable!

Taking the opportunity to empty out his pocket, Jasper began discreetly dumping all of the toys onto the floor behind him. Then he reached forward and gently brushed his knuckles against the rat’s lower back, feeling the softness of his fur against his skin. Snowflake paused gnawing on his snack to look over his shoulder, still holding onto the grape. Uninterested, he turned his attention back to his snack.

Suddenly, a gentle knocking broke the silence and the playroom door opened. In walked a Humane Society employee, one that was different from the lady from two weeks ago. This one was younger, around their age, with bright red hair, green eyes and a smattering of freckles that dotted his face like stars in the night sky. He had been attending to their case for a while, taking over sometime last week. His enthusiasm was unparalleled as he was more than ecstatic to learn that Snowflake would not only be going to a new home, but would be providing a great service.

“How is everyone today?” The employee asked cheerily, pulling up a plastic chair to sit in. Clipboard in hand, he excitedly awaited any and all new information.

“We’re doing alright.” Jasper replied with a chivalrous smile. “Snowflake decided he wants to hoard toys now.”

“Oh, no!” The employee laughed, jotting that tidbit down on his clipboard. Toy hoarding tended to be more of an issue with dogs as it often led to aggression, but since this was a rat...well, it may simply be instinct and not a real behavioral issue. “No bites when you remove the toys?”

“No, sir.” Jasper affirmed, still brushing his knuckles gently against Snowflake’s fur.

“Delightful. And I see he is enjoying a little snack. Has he been a good boy?”

“The best.”

“Can he come home yet?” Daniel interjected impatiently. Day in and day out, this charade was always the same. He had patience a mile wide and twice as thick, but even he was growing weary. He wanted to bring his precious baby rat home and he wanted to do it now, paperwork be damned.

“Well, seeing as how Snowflake has undergone vast behavioral improvements, I would say, yes, he can go home.” The employee affirmed. Elated, Daniel’s eyes grew wide with joy. “However,” and then his heart deflated in his chest, “policy dictates that he have a medical evaluation in the event underlying health issues come to light. He will have to stay for two more days, but you can file the adoption paperwork today, claiming him officially.”

Daniel’s smile returned, giddy with anticipation. He could wait two more days. He wanted Snowflake to be in picturesque health and he would not dare risk it for a few days of extra play. So, Daniel readily agreed to their terms, watching with restrained excitement as the employee then left to fetch the paperwork. Once he and Jasper were alone, Daniel nearly broke down in tears of joy.

“He’s coming home, he’s coming home!!” He cheered, lifting Snowflake up off of his lap and kissing him on the top of his tiny head.  _ “You’re coming home, you’re coming home.”  _ He whisper-sobbed, holding the rat against his chest as he stroked his back lovingly.

To celebrate the good news, Daniel wanted to take everyone out for ice skating after Azalea finished school for the day. Unbeknownst to Jasper, both Daniel and Azalea were masterful ice skaters. It was one of the few things Daniel was able to indulge in as a child. A fairly wealthy cousin who trained professionally back in Poland was on vacation in America for a holiday and had introduced him to the sport. And although he spent his free time performing it recreationally, ice skating was one of the most fun things Daniel had ever done. Of course, when he found an opportunity to share his favorite pastime with his daughter, the temptation was far too much to resist. And now, he could share in this pastime with Jasper, too.

But despite being in the tutelage of two artful skaters, Jasper, unfortunately, was a disaster. Barely able to stand on his own two feet prior to reaching the rink, he was no better on the ice. For every foot or so he managed to move, he fell about four times in between.

Feeling a bit tired, not to mention tender and sore, Jasper decided that after an hour of trying to skate that he wanted to sit out for a bit. Azalea pouted, none too pleased she would be skating alone, however her attitude changed with the promise of hot cocoa afterwards. Satisfied, she happily skated off to do as she pleased, leaving Jasper and Daniel sitting on a rickety old wood and iron bench. The two sat in mutual silence for a bit, observing all the passersby on their skates. Happy couples skating hand-in-hand, children playing games on the ice, some showing off their skills or lack thereof. The mingling of voices, shrill laughs drowning out basic conversation, the audio of the world fading when it was listened to with too much focus. Daniel thought it was like something out of a holiday romance film, like a wide angle shot of the surrounding environment used to set the tone. He hated those kinds of holiday movies because the premise was always the same: somebody cheats on their current partner with some random person because of Christmas magic. Utterly disgusting.

“Did I tell you what Azalea asked me last night, when I was tucking her into bed?” Jasper said without warning, catching Daniel off his guard.

“No, what?” He responded, innocently enough.

““Are you and my Daddy boyfriends?”” Daniel gagged on his own saliva.

“A-And what did you say?” He asked urgently, traces of desperation leaking out into his words.

“Well, I didn’t lie to her.” Jasper replied bluntly, not exactly answering the question. “And then she asked me if we were going to get married and if she could be the flower girl.  _ Then _ she changed her mind and said bridesmaid and asked which one of us would be the bride.”

“A-and, umm, well—what, um, i-if you don’t mind me asking, what did you tell her?”

“That you’re the bride.” Daniel scoffed, pretending to be appalled as he shoved Jasper in the shoulder while Jasper laughed him off. Shortly after, their laughter died down and their gazes returned to the ice.

In the distance, Azalea was lingering in the far corner of the ice rink among a small group of children close to her own age. All their faces were alight with a joy that only someone of their youth could feel, laughing at simple jokes only they would understand with smiles as bright as the setting sun. in a way, Daniel envied them. When he was a child, he rarely had the luxury of exploring the world in ways such as this. Almost never did he get to enjoy the splendors that the community had to offer because too many times was he preoccupied with learning how to navigate through probable exploitations. These children were thriving; he had been surviving. Yet, yet it was his choice to let Azalea forgo knowing of what true destitution could feel like. It was his choice to work tirelessly each and every day for eight years at the same exact company for pennies on the dollar so that she could have a warm bed to sleep in. All he wanted was to give his daughter the childhood he never had the chance to have. And knowing that he succeeded in doing so, it eased his restless spirit. While things may have changed for the better, he would never forget where exactly he came from nor would he forget who it was that helped him to achieve.

As he sat there on the bench with his head resting comfortably on Jasper’s shoulder, Daniel realized something. In that moment, Daniel came to realize that he had never felt happier than whenever he was with Jasper. Every single thing about Jasper was enthralling. His laughter was contagious, his smile was infectious. Sometimes, he swore the blues of his eyes sparkled like shimmering sapphires with the deepening of color in his cheeks. He adored him, he was infatuated—no, he was in love. So deeply in love that he felt as if he was drowning in the emotion. With every word Jasper spoke, from every gentle smile he wore, Daniel found himself drowning. Drowning in an abyss of rose petals, cherry blossoms and pink skies. Drowning in a type of affection he had never experienced. It was honest, sincere and it felt so good to be swallowed up in the warmth it provided.

Eyes half-lidded with a drowsy smile, Daniel breathed in a sigh of contentment, happily drowning in Jasper’s scent. Slowly, he found himself drowning in that pretty pink love again. The sights, the sounds, swallowing him up and dragging him down. This form of drowning he looked forward to. Every touch, every connection, Daniel let it envelop him whole. Love wrapped its vibrant magenta tendrils over his limbs and tugged him downwards into its sugar-scented maw, essentially drowning him in its carnation-tinted form.

Despite his best efforts, there were times when he had felt as though he were losing Jasper. Often, it was not from actions taken but from words unspoken and Daniel found himself drowning yet again. Deep down he fell, drowning in a bottomless despair that left him sunken in a bed of worry. Some days he could not find it in his heart to face Jasper, afraid what little he spoke would send him hurtling through that inky black void of loneliness yet again. But the crushing solitude drowned him forcibly and it felt inescapable. No matter how much he fought to swim out of that depth, Daniel could only flail about uselessly as he drowned within the recesses of his own mind. Even asleep, he could not bear the thought of stewing in his sorrows beneath olive sheets that drowned him in a sea of Jasper’s scent. Everyday he waged new wars against his engrained uncertainty, and sometimes his uneasiness drowned him in the blood of his own peace of mind.

On his better days, Daniel found himself drowning. Drowning in an abyss of hyacinth blooms, hibiscus blossoms and rosey skies. It was a land Daniel preferred to live in and he would do anything to reach it. He knew Jasper would happily fall with him; he told him every day that he would be more than happy to go. And so, here they were, hand in hand, side by side, happily drowning together.

Bored with sitting still, Jasper decided he wanted to return to the ice, though he was still very much not used to the motions. Despite Daniel supporting him, Jasper’s legs wobbled unsteadily, his skates curving in wide arcs which spread his legs further apart than what he needed to maintain balance. Overcorrecting, he clamped his legs shut which thrust all of his weight into one central area, effectively kicking his skates out from under him. As he started his descent, Daniel caught him, holding Jasper in a dipped position which prevented him from falling. 

“Do diabła, you are like a newborn fawn.” Daniel sighed, shaking his head as he helped raise Jasper to his feet. Leaning heavily on Daniel’s arms, Jasper tried to force himself to stand still. He laughed at his own folly, trying to conceal his embarrassment with a joke.

“Guess you could say I fell for you.” 

Face flushing and eyes growing wide in embarrassment, Daniel ripped his hands away from Jasper, sending him crashing to the ice on his bum once again. He was still red in the face ten minutes later, grumbling into a paper cup of steaming hot cocoa. Unaware of what had transpired between the two earlier, Azalea was curious as to why her father seemed so out of sorts while Jasper was fighting to stifle his own laughter amid groans from the pain of a few bruises. She stopped blowing on her cup of cocoa and reached for Daniel’s arm, tugging on the sleeve of his coat to get his attention.

“Daddy?”

“Tak, moja mała dyni.” Daniel answered, staring at his feet as he mouthed the rim of his cup with his lips.

“Is your hot cocoa too hot?”

“Nie, dyni.”

“Then why is your face all red?” Sucking in a breath, Daniel accidentally gulped down a mouthful of scalding, hot liquid. He sputtered and coughed; his tongue singed and his throat raw.

“Yeah,  **_why is_ ** your face all red, Danny?” Jasper egged on, his grin wide and mischievous. The glare Daniel cast him could have melted steel.

Later on that evening, the two spent their last few hours awake snuggling shirtless, and pajama pantless, in bed. Daniel was resting comfortably under Jasper’s arm, staring off into the void of nothing as he lay with his head pressed to Jasper’s bare chest. It was an odd form of solace, feeling the rise and fall of Jasper’s chest with each breath he took but it kept him grounded. Too often he found himself dwelling on things he would rather not, such as why Jasper was always so cryptic whenever he asked about the three arching scars across his chest. The story was always vague, short and ambiguous. It happened when he was no older than Larimar— _ Ered, she likes to be called Ered _ —and at a low-budget summer camp his fathers were unaware of being a major scam. At least, unaware until  _ after _ he was hurt. Conceptualizing the immense amount of pain, fear and terror Jasper might have felt in those moments, it physically pained Daniel to even ponder what may have been. After a while, he decided it best not to ask anymore, so he stayed quiet, mentally combing through the files and files of possible truths.

“Hey, Danny?” Daniel hummed in acknowledgment, breaking free of his internal stupor. “There was something I wanted to ask you.” Jasper asked apprehensively, speaking in a smallish tone of voice that was peculiar coming from his mouth. “I wanted to know if, well, maybe we could try something?” Mildly alarmed, Daniel abruptly sat himself up.  _ Sex? Is it sex? Oh, God, he wants sex. I-I’m not ready, I-I can’t—how do I tell him?? I-I don’t even know how to— _

“Wh-what do you mean?”

“Nothing too raunchy. Just a little something to spice things up.” Oh.  **_Oh._ ** _ That’s a little better. _

“Oh, Jasper, I don’t know—”

“I promise, you don’t have anything to worry about. All I want to do is a little bit of touching, nothing more. You can tell me to stop at any point.” Daniel bit his lip, unsure of how to answer Jasper’s request. Was he ready for something of that caliber? Comparatively, it was nothing akin to sex, but it was a whole different platform as opposed to menial kissing, cuddling or snuggling. Would he be able to handle it? What if he lost his nerve? What if he overreacted? What if Jasper took advantage? What if he forced him to—no, that was silly—Jasper would never. Unless, unless he  _ might.  _ The likelihood was slim but it was still a possibility. It was a lingering, haunting scenario that Daniel desperately wanted to keep himself from spiraling into. Jasper would never, he would never.  _ Unless—  _ “—Hey, hey, look at me.” Reluctantly, Daniel lifted his gaze, meeting Jasper’s eyes. Among the brilliant neptune was a unique softness married with tender understanding. The same complacent, lovestruck expression he always wore, that never faded and always brightened whenever he set eyes upon Daniel. He was a fool to think that anything less. “I won’t touch down there, okay? Promise.” Daniel nodded.

“O-okay…” He trusted Jasper. He would never hurt him.

It began slowly, with nothing too drastic that may have warranted a panic attack. Jasper had situated himself behind Daniel, beginning with a lovely shoulder massage before he let his hands explore Daniel’s body freely. Up his sides those gentle hands glided, barely touching the skin, then slowly down they traveled before coming to rest firmly on his hips. Daniel could feel Jasper’s bare chest against his back, his hot breath in his ear as his lips hovered inches away.

“Mm, you have lovely thighs.” Jasper murmured into Daniel’s ear, punctuating with a tender kiss on the neck. His hands tightened around the thickest part of Daniel’s thighs, giving them a light squeeze. Daniel tensed as his heartbeat quickened, clutching tightly to the sheets while he angled his head towards the ceiling in an attempt to distract himself. “I can’t wait to bury my face in them.” Jasper purred in Daniel’s ear while planting kisses all down his neck and shoulder.

Hands wandering, Jasper caressed the smooth skin of Daniel’s stomach at the same time that his lips met his chin. Jasper’s hands slid higher, the tips of his fingers brushing against Daniel’s nipples. Shivers coursed up the length of Daniel’s spine, arching his back on instinct. Out came a whimpering mewl, whiny and quiet, leaving Daniel quivering in place. He was tense, his body pushing itself away from Jasper albeit unintentionally. Not knowing what this meant, Jasper pulled himself back in refrain.

“Should I stop?” He asked, his voice slightly higher in tone and laced with genuine concern. The weight of hands pressing down against his chest had Daniel’s breath caught in his throat. He could hear his heartbeat pounding in his eardrums, the speed of each thump vibrating in his veins. He was overwhelmed, overstimulated but was this not what he had been hoping for? “...Daniel?” The weight lifted, leaving him feeling exposed. Cold air washed over him, flooding his blood with ice in his veins. Panic set in, his pupils shrinking in fear. The fear of the unknown, the fear of being left behind—being abandoned yet again—was threatening to tear him apart.

“...N-No!” Daniel cried out in sharp contrast, punching the mattress with his fists in frustration. He drew his knees up to his chest, thinking he could stop the cold by closing himself off. But it was the wrong kind of warm, it was not strong enough. He wanted Jasper. He  _ needed _ Jasper.

“No...what?” Jasper gently pressed on, placing a hand on one of Daniel’s knees. “What’s wrong, Danny? Do you need me to stop?”

“N-No, please, don’t stop.” Daniel mumbled, bringing his hands into his lap. Picking at his fingernails with his thumbnails, he kept his eyes centered on his hands. A rosy blush began to creep along his cheeks, painting his pale complexion with a brilliant pastel pink. “...I like it…” He admitted in a soft, sheepish tone.

Smiling, Jasper pressed a kiss to Daniel’s cheek. With a gentle touch that was as light as a feather, Jasper’s hands rounded Daniel’s shoulders, his thumbs pressing deep into the space between his shoulder blades and back. Then, those strong hands elegantly glided down the length of his arms, fingers sliding in between one another. Interlocking their hands, Jasper then slid downwards onto the mattress while simultaneously easing Daniel into a reclined position within his embrace. He momentarily released one of Daniel’s hands so he could tug at the sheets and blankets, pulling them up and draping the covers loosely over their hips.

Breathless, Daniel could only stare up at Jasper, a blurred sea of stars in his eyes. Never had anyone ever taken the time to make him feel so good with so little effort. He was blessed, truly blessed. Turning onto his side and propping himself up with the palm of his hand under his chin, Jasper reached over and cupped the left side of Daniel’s face with his hand, tenderly rubbing his cheek with his thumb. Gulping down an unsteady breath, Daniel turned his head into the touch, closing his eyes as his chest rose and fell at a rapid pace. Unconsciously, he felt his fingers dig into the twisted sheets on which he lay, gripping tightly to the fabric. His heart hurt but it was the good hurt, the kind of hurt created from the heart beating a little too hard from too much excitement. As the hurting began to dissolve with the slowing of his heartbeat, Daniel felt himself grow tired. Turning away from Jasper’s touch, Daniel pressed his face into the solid muscle that was Jasper’s chest. He smelled so good, like a mix of cooling aftershave and sea breeze-scented candles.

“Feel good?” Still breathing a little too quickly, Daniel nodded absentmindedly, lost for words. Jasper smiled, taking in the adorableness of his boyfriend. It brought him an immeasurable amount of pleasure in being able to see how far Daniel had come since the two had met nearly three months ago. Seeing Daniel be able to allow himself to be open and honest about his feelings warmed his heart as did seeing Daniel permit himself to see the good in uncertain situations. It was a huge contrast to the man he used to be. He used to be so scared of change, so set in his ways that he hardly ever tried to do much of anything new. He used to be a man who let himself be defined by his past, who had been beaten so brutally by too long of a stroke of bad luck, misfortune and unfortunate circumstance. But that Daniel was no more and Jasper was determined to keep it that way. “I love you, Danny,” Jasper said softly as he combed his fingers through Daniel’s hair. For a moment, all was quiet with hardly a word spoken between the two.

“...I...I love you, too…”


	8. Live Happily

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With spring comes change. Changes to the weather and changes to the world outside. Snow and ice thaw, leaving room for beautiful blooms. Daniel comes to realize that change is good and sometimes, change is necessary.

Daylight was both a blessing and a curse. It was warm and inviting, granting a wondrous sensation to those who basked in its glory. Yet it stung like a venom when centered in the eyes of the beholder, scalding the retinas and burning a bright white sheet over the visual field. This day, however, was a momentous occasion ripe for celebrating. Snowflake was coming home today!

Daniel could barely suppress his overabundance of exuberance and delight. He bounced in the passenger seat, giddy as a school child and talking with almost no pauses in between about all the wonderful things he could not wait to explore with Snowflake. He nearly cried tears of joy when he was able to hold his precious boy for the first time as  **his** pet. He did cry when he set Snowflake loose within his huge enclosure, sobbing happily as he watched the little rat scamper about exploring his new home. At last, at long last, his family was complete.

The week passed by as though time was less of a concept and more of a suggestion. Friday was on Daniel in no time, seemingly arriving out of nowhere. And as most Fridays were in this household, it was movie night. A time-honored tradition that Jasper had decreed the moment he discovered Daniel had never seen any of the Star Wars movies nor had he or Azalea ever seen Shrek. This movie night, however, was supposed to be a special night for both he and Daniel, however. The critical term being, ‘supposed’. Earlier on, Jasper’s brother, Onyx had called in a mild panic. He frantically explained that while Xena was working a long-shift at the hospital, he had been called into his own workplace, a local bar, to fill in for a coworker whose child had gotten sick. Through all of his brother’s apologies about the absolute last-minuteness of the situation, Jasper managed to bite back his mild annoyance and assure his brother that he had no issue taking Jett for the night.

Jett arrived within the hour, sleeping bag in hand and overnight bag on his shoulder. Azalea was overjoyed to see her friend again, stealing him away to play in her room for the majority of the evening, save for their pizza dinner. Later that night, around elevenish, Jasper put the kids to bed so he and Daniel could finally have some time alone. Choosing one of the latest films, the pair relaxed on the couch together.

Towards the end of the movie, Daniel had this nagging feeling of being watched. It felt like some set of eyes were stalking him from within the dark of the still house. He swore that he could hear hushed whispers amid the cinematic commentary, but he quickly stowed those suspicions away into the recesses of his mind. His mind had become preoccupied with a far more important affair.

Bathed in the fair glow of the television, Jasper asserted his passion with a plentiful number of kisses along Daniel’s jawline. He moved behind the ear, adding a carnal nip for pleasure. Daniel mumbled incoherently under his breath, back arching in euphoria. Jasper then placed a quick peck on Daniel’s cheek, which he then followed with a trail of gentle kisses down the neck. As he broke the strain of kisses, Jasper nuzzled Daniel lovingly then brushed noses.

“I love being able to lay together like this.”

“Mm...I do, too.” Daniel mumbled, his lips ghosting Jasper’s as he hovered above him tauntingly.

“Y’know what the best part is?” Intrigued, Daniel leaned back.

“What?”

“I get to hold you, squeeze you tight and never let you go.” Daniel felt his heart melt in his chest. “And then, I get to do this!”

“Jasper—!” Daniel squeaked out, trying his best to stifle his laughter. A sharp gasp cut through the air, causing both Daniel and Jasper to freeze in place.

“—He touched the butt!” A shrill voice exclaimed accusingly, leading both men to trace the source to the staircase behind them. Squatting in the shadows of the darkened upstairs were both Jett and Azalea, wide eyed with hands clamped over their mouths in disbelief. Mortified, Jasper’s face burned a bright crimson, internally caught between a righteous anger and pained humiliation.

“WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING OUT OF BED??” He yelled to the children clustered together with their heads pressed to the railing. Squealing in shock at being discovered, Jett and Azalea scrambled to get to their feet as they fumbled over one another to get away. “OhmyGod—” Jasper groaned in embarrassment, covering his face with his hands in shame while Daniel mocked his misery with jeering snickers. 

Pretending to be aghast at his teasing, Jasper playfully shoved Daniel by the face sideways into the couch cushion. Daniel broke out into a fit of giggles as his head hit the soft fabric, then straightened himself back up into his previous position. Jasper grinned cunningly, reaching up to tenderly caress both sides of Daniel’s face with his hands as he found himself gazingly longingly into his brilliant blue eyes. Then, he pushed himself upwards to steal Daniel away with a tentative kiss. Melting into the sweet embrace, Daniel slipped his hand over Jasper’s before easing it away from his face. Instead, he situated both of them loosely over his own hips while he buried his own hands in Jasper’s unruly bedhead of golden brown hair. Tasting that sparkling citric zap of zest, Daniel moaned in pleasure. Separating only a lips distance apart, Jasper lay on his back, happy to bask in the warmth and revel in the splendor that was Daniel. And as the two remained split apart, Daniel reciprocated those exact feelings. He was the happiest he had ever been, drinking up the truest love he had ever experienced and his heart was finally full.

In this moment, in this one beautiful moment, Daniel could finally attest that he knew what true euphoria felt like. And in this moment, he knew Jasper would be his one and only.

Several weeks had passed since that night and, like Daniel himself, the world outside began to grow warmer. By the end of February, the frozen briskness of winter had begun to thaw under the tender, loving embrace of the coming spring. For too long had the world outside been shuttered under the weight of ice and snow. For too long had the world been devoid of a semblance of joy.

Winter itself is cruel and fickle. Without heavenly sunshine to warm the earth and melt away the crystal sheets and thick blankets, the world grew cold, bleak and colorless. White painted the landscapes in shades of grey and hues of black. No color peeked through as all remnants of life lay dormant under the swath of pure brilliance. Winter let no color shine other than bleached perfection, where ice shone radiantly like diamonds over barren, frostbitten trees. But with the rising of the new spring sun came the undoing of the icy world. 

Calm was the morning wind on this particular Monday. The lazy, bronze rays of an early sun peeking over the pines cheekily, like it was a child overlooking their sleeping parent. A blanket of warmth bathed the landscape in an ethereal glow. Mornings such as these were what brought a smile to Daniel's face among other simplistically pleasant things. Despite the growing realization that he would have to leave this vivid, songful scene behind for the dreary, monotonous grey of an office, he remained hopeful.

Following a quick pop in the shower, Daniel dressed himself for work with about as much enthusiasm as Jasper whenever it was his turn to clean Snowflake’s habitat.  _ Aww, babe, do I have to? _ He would whine, trying to persuade Daniel differently with those bashful, bright puppy eyes. Often, Daniel bit back a whine of stubbornness before ultimately giving in to Jasper, his resolve crumbling under the weight of those beautiful blue eyes. It never helped that Jasper would always denote his victory by swooping Daniel up into his arms with a grand amount of drama and flourish before silencing his yelp of surprise with an amorous kiss. Then, like the conniving devil he was on the inside, Jasper would elegantly break away, leading Daniel by the hand before casting him a wink and a charming smile.  _ Thanks, babe. Love you~  _

But no matter how much that may annoy him on the outside, on the inside Daniel could never betray his true feelings for Jasper. Smiling fondly at the memory as he buckled his belt, Daniel slipped his tie around his neck and under his collar. The warmth of that phantom kiss was burned into his mind, irradiating a toastiness that soon began to seep down into his heart. 

Focusing on finishing up his morning routine, Daniel raised his hands to quickly comb his fingers through his hair but paused in front of the mirror. His jubilance began to dissolve, replacing what little shred of happiness he had with dull disinterest. His hands slowly fell back to his sides. How much longer would he keep this facade up? How much longer would he pretend to be alright? His energy was dwindling, his endurance having worn down to almost nothing. This job...it did nothing for him.

In spite of his best efforts to abide by the suggestions of his therapist, Daniel often found himself dwelling on the miniscule negatives of his professional life. He found himself tired, unfulfilled and regretful most days as opposed to being perpetually thrilled at the idea of being one of the blessed souls to have the opportunity to work. He appreciated the gift of employment the company had given him, that went without saying. However, what irked him savagely was the nagging realization that he was beginning to waste his life. What good would come from toiling away for eight years at a singular entity under the same corporate shenaniganry filled with an overwhelming sense of despair, hopelessness and bitterness? It was distressingly bland and mediocre, not to mention emotionally diminishing. Certainly this was not what this grand country could have meant when it propagated its promise of achieving the ‘American Dream’.

So, how much longer could he force himself to pretend to be satisfied? How much longer would he continue to lie to himself, to his family? He much longer would he continue to hold himself back? What could he possibly be so afraid of to not realize that he was due for a change? Change was good, change was important. For too long he had been a victim of his own refusal to let go, to embrace change. For years he had remained stuck due to an irrational phobia that he allowed himself to justify fearing. Walking down the stairs, Daniel began to internalize what exact benefits the allowance of change could provide him. Change had given him so many things to be grateful for. Change had shown him it was okay to open his heart, that it was okay to be vulnerable. Change had brought him Jasper, someone who would give every breath in his body to stay by his side day by day. Change had helped him to realize that the past was the past and that sometimes, things happen that are beyond his control. Change let him live again. Change let him love again. Change was good.

When Daniel walked into the kitchen, he found that he was not alone. Seated at the table was Jasper, casually sipping from a mug of presumably coffee as he was intently focused on the contents of his laptop.

“Good morning, Jasper.” He greeted warmly, popping some bread into the toaster before pulling out the chair to Jasper’s left and sitting down. Pushing the chair right beside Jasper, he leaned on his shoulder and watched him work. “Important contract?” Jasper nodded, hyperfixated on finishing the task at hand. Daniel hummed in thought.

Over the next twenty minutes, Jasper continued to work while Daniel ate his breakfast in silence as he observed Jasper’s design process. It was actually quite interesting to see the methods he employed. Daniel was more of the hands-on, physical crafting type, that was partially why he found so much comfort in designing clothes with the fabrics. But seeing Jasper work digitally, it was amazing. Who knew such advancements existed? Well, he  _ knew _ but it was more of a rhetorical question than a genuine inquiry. When it came time for him to head out, he planted a kiss on Jasper’s cheek, promising to call on his lunch break.

As he left for work, Azalea happened to pass Daniel by as she came around from downstairs. She hurried past him without so much as ‘Good morning’, which was rather strange for her. She always gave him a kiss and hug, even when she knew he was going to be home for the day. He stopped, intending to ask her about her behavior but she disappeared into the kitchen before he had the chance. Curiosity peaked, Daniel tiptoed up to behind the kitchen door, pushing it slightly closed as he lingered just out of sight, wondering what Azalea could possibly need from Jasper.

“Morning, kiddo.” Jasper greeted, not looking up from his laptop as he continued working. “Want me to make you some breakfast?”

“Umm, no…” Azalea toed the kitchen tile with her slipper, “can, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure, kiddo, gimme a sec.” Jasper assured her with a playful ruffle of her hair, drawing out a giggle from the little girl. “Gotta save this big ol’ important project first.” Tic-tacking away at his laptop for a couple of seconds, Jasper saved the latest edition of his clientele project before closing the computer and pushing it aside. He turned halfway around in his seat, giving his full, undivided attention to Azalea as he plopped his hands down on both of his thighs in a true old-school fatherly fashion. ”What’s up, chickibean?”

“Umm, I, umm,” Azalea stuttered nervously, avoiding looking Jasper in the eyes as a deep scarlet blush burned her cheeks, “I wanted to, um, could I, uh, can I call you, ‘Papa’?”

A sob nearly escaped Daniel, causing him to clap his hands over his mouth to stifle any noises from coming out. Did—Did he hear that correctly? Did she just—oh, that is just too precious!

The silence was deafening as Daniel waited in both zealous suspense and fervent impatience, concealed in the shadows of the darkened hall. Heart in his throat, Daniel could feel his nails digging into the lacquered wood of the door as he stood pressed flush to the backside where he remained hidden from sight. _Aren’t you going to answer her, Jasper? Don’t you want to be a part of our family?_ _Say something, anything!_

Peering around the side of the door, Daniel could see the back of Azalea’s head as she stood before Jasper, no doubt looking to him expectantly as she awaited his response. A thin, watery sheen had glazed his eyes over, reflecting the shimmer of the kitchen lights like greyish white amorphous blobs. Jasper blinked once, forcing out a single large tear from each eye. The iridescent trails streaked down his bruised cheeks, clinging to the underside of his chin.

“Yes, of course you can, sweetie!” Azalea bounced on her heel with excitement, throwing her arms around Jasper. Weeping happily, Jasper brought his arms up and over her back, drawing her into his chest. Sniffling, he cradled her head in his hand, more tears rolling down his cheeks. “Oh, pumpkin, you have no idea how happy I am to hear that.” Angling his head downwards, he pressed a kiss to the top of her curls, sniffling as he stared off in a generalized, nondescript direction. “I love you so very much.”

“I love you, too, Papa.” Azalea said softly, her voice muffled by the fabric of Jasper’s shirt.

Dabbing at his teary eyes with his thumbs, Daniel could barely contain his emotions, even after he removed himself from the house and began his drive to work. After so many months of them being together, living together, loving one another, Azalea had given Jasper one of the gifts he had wanted most. Unquestionably, the little girl adored him to the ends of the earth. He had done so much for her and she appreciated all his efforts. She loved him so much; she thought of him as family. But now she thought of him as her father. To her, Jasper was no longer just ‘Jasper’. He was ‘Papa’ now.

It was rather early in the evening, at around quarter to six, when an extremely fatigued Daniel managed to climb up the front steps and through the front door. Yawning as he shut the front door, Daniel blinked owlishly as he unzipped his jacket. Slinging it over his shoulder, he trudged over to the coat rack and tossed it onto a peg. Rubbing his drooping eyes with his knuckles, Daniel tried to scrub the disappointment and irritation from his face in an attempt to avoid carrying what Jasper referred to as, “Resting Bitch Face”. Whatever that may be. Yawning once more, Daniel made his way towards the stairs, looking about the house with a hint of expectation. It had become a small tradition for Jasper to meet him when he came home from a long day of working in the office, tea in hand and a warm smile on his face. He always gave him mending kisses on his cheek and a soft shoulder squeeze that melted his agony. Where was he? And why was the house so dark? Did he take Azalea to go pick up some McDonald’s or something? Was he the only one home?

At the top of the stairs, Daniel could hear giggling above the electric riffs of a guitar and the high-pitched sing-songy shouts of Michael Jackson. Perplexed, he walked down the dimly lit hall where he found the source of the music to be Azalea’s bedroom. The door was slightly ajar with light streaming through the space between the door and the frame. Intrigued, Daniel put a hand to the wood, ready to push it open. 

However, he was not prepared for what he nearly walked into.

Propped up on a short stack of pillows on her desk chair, Azalea was sitting as still as she could manage while Jasper applied a thin layer of sparkling violet lipstick to her puckered lips. Giggling, the little girl could barely keep it together as Jasper stood over her dressed in unnervingly flashy mismatched clothing.  _ Good Lord, he looks like a rave-themed paint spill.  _ Daniel grimaced. Stepping closer to the front of the partially open door, Daniel peered curiously inside. Unfortunately, Jasper’s disastrous tastes had infected Azalea with a deadly plague of bad fashion, wretched colors and horrible choices. Her beautifully bouncy curls were teased up in a wild mess, splayed out in a large pomf full of so much cheap hairspray Daniel could smell the sickeningly sweet spritzy scent from the door. Under her eyes was dusting of golden glitter, a thick layer of dark violet painting her eyelids. And her outfit, oh dear. It was horrific. Cheetah print leggings were slightly hidden underneath a very short, neon pink tulle miniskirt. On her feet were a pair of yellow heeled boots leftover from a BatGirl costume from when she was seven, the rubbery plastic shining in the bright light of her room. Thankfully, Jasper had the common sense to at least attempt to make her outfit match. Tying into the pink tulle miniskirt, Azalea had on a matching neon pink crop top with a setting sun graphic. Kicking her legs playfully, Azalea looked up to Jasper with childish intrigue.

“Papa, can you paint my nails?”

“Sure, sweetie. What color would you like?” Jasper asked as he capped the lipstick.

“Hmm...violet!” Jasper chuckled, ruffling her fluffy hair.

“Right on, chickibean.”

Keeping quiet, Daniel watched from the doorway in floored silence. The horrendousness of the clashing of patterns and colors burned his eyes to the point where he thought he may go blind. And goodness knows what sorts of damage Jasper may have unintentionally caused to Azalea’s hair with whatever he may have put in it. But as he stood there in astute silence, hearing their laughter and seeing the joyous smiles on both of their faces, Daniel could not find it in his heart to disrupt their fun. No matter how much he really,  _ really _ wanted to tell Jasper off for practically drenching Azalea’s hair in caustic chemicals. Instead, he took a step back and decided he was far too tired to deal with whatever shenanigans those two jokers may rope him into. 

Exhausted, Daniel quietly made his way towards his and Jasper’s bedroom at the end of the hall. Body and mind aching from a stressful day of crunching endless numbers, amending fiscal discrepancies and scaling the vast wall that was the chain of corporate emails, Daniel could feel the last remaining bits of energy powering him die. He wanted nothing more than to sleep until the coming of the New Age. Haphazardly slapping his palm against the wall in the dark, he flicked on the light to the bedroom, squinting in irritation at the sudden burst of light in his eyes. Sighing deeply in resignation, Daniel trudged over to his dresser, loosening the tie around his neck as he kicked off his loafers. The satisfying thump of both shoes clattering against the wall brought a satisfied grin to his otherwise grim expression. Eager to escape the clutches of his needy workday personality, Daniel hurriedly stripped himself free of his bounds. Pulling open the third lowest drawer, he removed a pair of fading, worn, black sweatpants. Dressing quickly, Daniel smoothed out the fabric of his pants before shoving his fists into his pockets to flatten out the lining. Far too tired to put much effort into his actions, he lazily tossed his clothes in the general direction of the open door to the walk-in closet.

Crossing the room towards the bed, Daniel stopped in front of the enclosure Snowflake lived in. Hearing the jingling of the latches, Snowflake peeked out from within his hammock, nose wiggling as he peered with thin lines for eyes over at who was disturbing his slumber. Getting a whiff of Daniel’s scent, the rat hurriedly lumbered out of his napping nook and scampered down the plastic ramps leading to the bottom of his cage. As Daniel fumbled about with the latch, Snowflake patiently waited by the door, sitting on his haunches with his paws balled up against his chest. Once his human opened the exit that allowed him to crawl outside to freedom, Snowflake prodded Daniel’s fingers with his nose, sniffling excitedly as he reached and pawed at his owner’s hands. Smiling in content, Daniel beckoned Snowflake onto his palm, inviting him into his embrace. The rat then scuttled up the length of Daniel’s arm, pausing to sit on his shoulder as he received an affectionate head rub. Turning his head, Daniel pressed a kiss to the top of the rodent’s head while navigating his way over to the bed with grace and poise.

Sitting down on the edge of the bed, Daniel lifted Snowflake gently from his shoulder before setting the rat down on the bed beside him. Then, while keeping an eye on the rat’s position, Daniel slowly worked himself into a reclined position, resting with his head on a small stack of pillows. Of course, the rat’s curiosity and natural tendency to explore got the better of him. He waddled about, poking his nose into Daniel’s ear, the twitching of his whiskers tickling so much that it had Daniel in a fit of giggles. Gently, the rat nipped at the cartilage of his human’s earlobe, tugging on it slightly with his mouth. 

“Ouch! Heyyy—” Daniel feigned pain, stifling his snickers. “Bez gryzienia.” He scolded passively, lifting up an arm and sliding his hand underneath Snowflake’s tummy. With great care, Daniel scooped Snowflake up and deposited him onto his bare chest, the rat’s cold little paws tickling his skin as he padded around. Nose to flesh, the rat ambled about freely, including waltzing up to Daniel’s chin and plopping his front two paws down on his bottom lip. Quirking a brow in surprise, Daniel looked down the bridge of his nose at his little pal. Black pearly eyes stared right into his soul, as clear and as shiny as the fresh morning dew. “Co? Czego chcesz?” Almost as if he was challenging Daniel for dominance, Snowflake continued to stare at him, his whiskers no longer twitching and his nose still. Then, his head dipped as he began to lick his side, nibbling on an itch. Daniel chuckled in amusement, reaching up to lovingly rub the top of Snowflake’s head between his ears. “Silly boy.”

Letting out a breath he did not realize he was holding, Daniel sighed in content and closed his eyes as he mindlessly ran his fingers down the length of Snowflake’s back. 

Ah yes, what a perfect way to wind down after a long, stressful day at work.


	9. Be Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel wants to make Jasper's birthday special. The issue is: how much more special can you make a day that only occurs once every four years?

“Daddy!!” The sharp, poignant whispery shout of his name interrupted Daniel’s slumber only partially. Shrinking under the covers, he sunk into his pillow in an effort to ignore the voice. Suddenly, his entire body started shaking violently as he was grabbed roughly by the shoulder, jarring him awake. “Daddy, wake up!!” The voice—Azalea, he now recognized—whined at him impatiently. Grumbling in annoyance at being harshly woken up, Daniel turned onto his side, rubbing his eyes with his fists.

“Nnmm...co, dynia…?” He muttered groggily, squinting into the darkness. He could barely make out the date and time on his cell. February 29th, 7:00 am PT. He facepalmed, clawing at his eyes with his fingers in irritation. “Cholera, dlaczego tak wcześnie wstałaś, kochanie?”

“It’s Papa’s birthday, Daddy!” Azalea whisper-shouted at him in order not to wake Jasper, who continued snoring away unbothered. “Get up, get up, get up!!” She egged him on, bouncing on her heels with unbridled jubilation. “We gotta make him breakfast!”

Closing his eyes, Daniel pushed himself into a sitting position, kicking his legs out from underneath the covers. He slid out of bed with almost no enthusiasm, stretching his arms out above his head. Yawning, he arched his back until he heard a faint pop, bending over slightly to scratch his back.

“Na to jest za wcześnie…” He grumbled, offering his hand to Azalea so she could guide him downstairs.

By the time he reached the kitchen, Daniel was relatively lucid enough to function. While Azalea bumbled about hurriedly snatching up all the items required to make blueberry waffles, Daniel casually brewed himself a cup of black tea chased with a dash of soymilk. Once he was able to down a few sips of caffeine, his alertness increased and the fun, fun task of keeping the disaster that was making waffles with a hyper eight year-old to a minimum soon began. 

Around eight, Jasper graced the world with his presence after having been roused by the scent of warm, sticky maple and melted butter. He greeted the two with a hearty, “Mornin’”, chased with a yawn before he dipped and scooped Azalea up into his arms. The little girl giggled and squealed as she was assaulted with a bombardment of good morning kisses. Jasper then set her back down on the ground and turned his affections to Daniel, sharing a quick peck on the lips before he took a seat at the table. Right as he sat down at the table, Azalea happily served him a plate full of the most delicious and perfectly golden brown waffles Jasper had ever seen. And that was quite a feat considering how many waffles had ended up discarded in the trash due to burning or coming out undercooked. But mostly burning.

Soon enough, the morning gave way to the glorious afternoon. After a lovely little lunch of tuna panini melts, Daniel waited until Jasper was occupied with washing the dishes before he pulled Azalea into the hall leading upstairs to talk with her. Alone, he asked if she could help him with a little plan of his. This plan consisted of her distracting Jasper long enough for him to make and decorate a birthday cake. Of course, Azalea wholeheartedly agreed. Pushing her way past Daniel, she hurriedly dragged Jasper from the sink into the living room where she repeatedly begged him to teach her how to play his favorite video games. Naturally, Jasper introduced her to the classics on which he was raised.

Left to his own devices, Daniel quickly got to work. Now, what cake would Jasper want? Chocolate with chocolate frosting? Vanilla with chocolate frosting? Would he want a cheesecake? Hmm...so many good choices but none seemed to scream out, “Jasper!” with enough gusto to warrant an attempt to make. Only one recipe came to mind and thankfully, Daniel had had enough forethought to purchase the ingredients ahead of time. This particular cake required only two ingredients: whipped cream and chocolate cookie wafers. Well, the whipped cream was made from heavy whipping cream, which needed a few other ingredients to turn into whipped cream, but it was still simple enough.

After finishing the whipped cream, which with an electric standing mixer only took about half an hour as opposed to over an hour to whip, Daniel began slathering wafers with the cream like a mason cementing bricks. He shingled the wafers together in an ornate pattern, taking special care to spread the “cement” thin so he could fully coat the outside of the cake in the cream. The entire affair took about two hours to complete and Daniel was feeling rather confident in his abilities. Jasper was going to love this cake, he just knew it. All smiles, he shoved a few toothpicks into the cake so he could plastic wrap the entire dessert to prevent the whipped cream from drying out while it refrigerated. Sliding the cake into the fridge, Daniel dumped all his used dishes and utensils into the sink to be cleaned at a later time. To pass the time between now and dinner, Daniel convinced Jasper to go rollerskating with him and Azalea. And just as predicted, Jasper jumped at the offer.

Rollerskating with Jasper was just as fun as ice skating, though Jasper was a far better skater than a blader. Daniel liked being able to actually skate relatively freely, not having to hold Jasper’s hand for support but instead for the pure want of doing so. He and Jasper had a little skate battle, skating low to the ground without touching the floor, skating backwards without tripping, spinning on their heels (Daniel won that round but only because Jasper had the articulate balance of a potato on one foot), speed-skating and performing tricks. But competition paled in comparison to spoiling Azalea. She adored being slingshotted by her fathers into the great void that was the long sides of the arena, zooming up behind them as she excitedly begged them, “Do it again!!”

But by far, the best part of the evening was the couples’ slow skate. Jasper handed Azalea a $10 bill and his phone, instructing her that as soon as she got her drink to sit right in front of the skate rental until the song ended so the employees would always have an eye on her. The little girl nodded readily, skating off and leaving her fathers behind.

Alone together, Daniel offered Jasper his hand and led him onto the floor. Skating hand in hand under the swirling pink, magenta and red lights that cast the world in a sickeningly sweet glow, the pair moved in a graceful unison. The song the DJ chose was not really any good, at least not in Jasper or Daniel’s opinions, but it was still a nice song. The two skated for a bit, weaving in and out between slower couples, including the occasional on-floor employee.

“Are you having a nice birthday?” Daniel asked as loudly as he could without shouting, briefly turning his head to look at Jasper before facing forward again to avoid collision.

“Yeah,” Jasper replied in a similar fashion, “this song fucking sucks though.”

Daniel snort-laughed in reply, but rather than be upset about it, he just let it be.

As the music began to lull, Daniel quickened his pacing ever so slightly. He drifted a bit forward, turning artfully on his heel so he was now facing Jasper. Effortlessly, he sashayed his hips in beat to the music, pulling Jasper along with him towards the center of the arena where no other skaters were around to interrupt. Angling the toe of his skate into the slick flooring, Daniel slowed himself to a standstill, cast in the glow of the shimmering rose and carnation tinted crystal ball spinning above their heads. Together the two stood only a short distance apart. Hand in hand, Jasper raised his head, gazing longingly into the bright blue of Daniel’s eyes. Something in his chest tightened, bringing about a twisting, writhing pain, but a good pain, a desired pain. Daniel could feel warmth percolating underneath the surface of his face, no doubt giving rise to a dark blush spreading across his cheeks. Simply locking eyes with Jasper left him breathless, drowning in a pool of swarming, swirling emotions that he did not quite understand.

For a moment, the world stood still with the shadows of strangers blending into the dark background. Time slowed down to a halt with no words to break the amorous silence. The music began to dull, fading into an indiscernible muteness that blocked out all other sounds. In this moment, all that mattered was each other. Closing the gap between the two, Daniel pulled Jasper in by the hands, knocking the toes of their skates together.

“Happy birthday, Jasper.” Daniel whispered to him, leaning forward to touch foreheads. With the last of the notes to the song playing out, a new sensation took him over. It was honest, sincere and it felt so good to be swallowed up in the warmth it provided. And so the two kissed once more and with far more passion than ever before. 

For the first time in their relationship, Daniel initiated the kiss. It was far less sudden and far more intimate than any kiss the two had shared. He pressed their lips together, his hands caressing both sides of Jasper’s face while Jasper held fast to Daniel’s waist. The two pressed their chests firmly together, holding one another as close as possible. The embrace was more than Daniel had ever desired and he wanted to remain in this moment forever. Unfortunately, the music ended and the rest of the patrons began filtering back onto the floor, bringing an end to their private moment. Offering his hand to Daniel, Jasper gestured towards one of the exits, where Azalea was eagerly awaiting their arrival as she sipped on a blue raspberry slushie.

“Wanna blow this popsicle stand, head home and grab some dinner?”

“Of course. You’re going to love what I have planned.”

“I’m sure I will.”

As flurries of powdery snowflakes sprinkled down from the heavens above, the group indulged in a lovely dinner of homemade artisan pizza bagels made with soy-cheese, little dairy-free jalapeno poppers and mini-sausages wrapped in croissant dough while they sipped from tiny plastic straws shanked into even tinier boxes of orange Hi-C. Daniel thought some of the foods were a little strange, _(who makes pizza out of a bagel??),_ but it might have been an American thing. He shrugged it off, chalking it up to nothing more than another missed childhood opportunity. His mind was more focused on trying not to dwell in fear of the unknown expectations Jasper possibly harbored for the fated dessert. After all, his birthday only occurred once every four years and birthdays were almost always synonymous with celebratory cakes. If the cake was not up to snuff, it could potentially ruin the celebration. Did the cream hold up to the cold of the refrigerator? Is he going to open the fridge and find his cake melted into a pile of mooshy-gooshy chocolatey mush? Never had Daniel ever put such a high level of importance on something so menial before. When it came to birthdays in his family, it was his mother who did the baking, not him. This left Daniel wallowing in his own misery as he sunk deeper and deeper in an abysmal state of worry as he tried to psyche himself out. _There’s nothing wrong with the cake. It was fine when you checked it while the bagels were baking, it was fine when you checked it after pulling the drinks from the fridge. It won’t melt into gush. It won’t disappear into thin air. Whipped cream and cookies or frosting and cake, it doesn’t matter, it’s the thought that counts._ ** _It’s a damn cake._** _Something is better than nothing. Everything is_ ** _fine._** _You’re fine. You’re great. Everything is_ ** _great._** Daniel’s thoughts rambled at him as he mindlessly teethed on the white plastic of the straw in his drink, readying himself for the crushing weight of a failure that was certain to come.

However, as it later turned out, he need not worry. The moment Daniel set the platter down on the table, Jasper lost it. He started laughing in disbelief, absolutely dumbfounded and delighted at what was set before him.

“Ohhhh my Gooodd—you did not!!” He clapped his hands together, holding them up in front of his mouth. Daniel merely grinned at him, heart bursting with pride at his accomplishment: an icebox cake shaped into the form of the “OK” meme. It took a bit of finagling, but thankfully, a cake composed solely of chocolate wafers and whipped cream was fairly easy to manipulate. Daniel was artful in many ways, but baking, well, baking was not his forte. A lingering guilt still presided over his consciousness due to his decision to concoct such a simplistic treat. Jasper deserved brilliance, originality, extravagance, and an icebox cake was so...not that. Yet, he managed to find a way to not only satisfy his own internal desire but to truly amaze and astound the object of his affections. And so, the guilt began to dissipate, broken into submission with each snapshot Jasper took, capturing the glory that was the cake Daniel crafted. The look on his face alone was worth smelling of vanilla cream and having his hands tinged purplish-green from the decorative edible sugar crystals whose brilliant colors bled onto his skin. Daniel wished he could have taken his own photo.

Once Jasper finished distracting himself by posting some of his photos to his various social media accounts, he let Daniel and Azalea sing, ‘Happy Birthday’, trying not to cry tears of absolute joy when Azalea excitedly shouted out, “Papa'', in place of his name. But as strong as he may have thought his resolve to be, he was not strong enough to suppress the overabundance of emotions that swarmed him when Azalea plopped herself into his lap and squeezed him in a hug.

“Happy birthday, Papa! You’re the best Papa ever!!” Unable to keep himself composed, Jasper broke. He scooped Azalea up into his arms, smothering her with a smattering of peppery kisses. Smiling smugly as he leaned back against the head of his seat, Daniel watched as Jasper tried to laugh through his happy tears, saying something about crying over cake as opposed to spilled milk. That made Azalea giggle. “I love you, Papa.”

“Thanks, chickibean, I love you, too.” Jasper sighed happily, dabbing at his tears with the collar of his shirt. Azalea beamed, kicking her legs excitedly as she cheekily smiled at Daniel with a glimmer of mischief in her eye. Always planning something, that one. Daniel could only imagine what she might have been scheming in that devious little mind of hers.

“Papa?” She tugged on Jasper’s shirt, trying to get his attention. “Can we have cake now?” Both men broke out into a fit of laughter.

Following dessert, the family went their separate ways for a bit, promising to get together again for a movie. Daniel made his way upstairs to the bathroom, closing the door behind him before he then began to strip down to his underwear. Tossing his clothes onto the vanity, he reached for a turquoise towel hanging on a wall hook beside the shower. Removing the towel from the hook, he sniffed the fabric. Immediately, he scrunched up his nose in disgust. This one needed washing. Taking the towel with him to his and Jasper’s bedroom, Daniel walked into the closest where he tossed the used towel into the hamper with the rest of the dirty laundry. Sifting through the clean towels, he picked out a plush lavender. Bringing the fabric up to his nose, he inhaled deeply. The fabric smelled of a familiar blend of luxuriate lilac and zesty lemon. _Mmm, Jasper..._ Leaving the closet, Daniel crossed in front of the bed on his way out, not noticing the presence of a second body. Suddenly, he was grabbed from behind, but instead of shouting out or fighting back, Daniel let himself be dragged a few steps backwards into a secure embrace.

"Mm, hello, handsome~" Jasper's smooth, suave voice murmured in his ear. "Thank you...today was amazing." His voice dipped in volume as his teeth grazed Daniel’s earlobe, tugging gently on the cartilage. He could feel Jasper’s rough, calloused hands glide up the front of his chest, resting loosely over both of his pectorals. The tips of Jasper’s fingers brushed against his nipples, sending a shiver up his spine and forced a whimper of astute pleasure from deep down in his throat. “Ooh, getting tense now, are we?” Daniel nodded numbly, feeling his toes curl in with each stroke against the overly sensitive skin. “You know...there’s a little something I was hoping to have tonight…” Jasper hinted in a mischievously sly tone of voice, artfully sliding his hands down Daniel’s torso. His hands ghosted Daniel’s hips, fingers slipping between skin and the elastic of the waistband of his boxers. “Whatcha think, babe? Could I please you tonight?”

“I-I—” Daniel stuttered, tongue-tied and at a loss for words. This was so strange, no one had ever wanted to touch him like _that._ He knew how to do _that_ for women, but, but no one had ever offered to do _that_ for him. What would it even be like? Would he even like it? “Jasper, I-I—” Confused and overwhelmed, Daniel broke away from Jasper and fled towards their bed to better calm his nerves. He sat down on the edge of the bed, drawing his knees up to his chest. His chest hurt from how fast he was breathing in the cold, sharp air around him and his hands would not stop trembling. Jasper was beside him in an instant, rubbing smooth circles on his back and speaking in a soft, even tone.

“Danny? A-Are you alright? Did—did I do something wrong?” Still rubbing smooth circles on Daniel’s back, Jasper gently prompted him to take in slow, deep breaths to better steady his breathing. Soon enough, Daniel was able to catch his breath, allowing Jasper to reask his question. “What’s wrong, Danny? Did I hurt you?”

“No, no, no, I-I’m sorry!” Daniel blurted out, his anxiety creeping back up into dangerous levels. _God, fucking—I’m ruining everything! What kind of boyfriend can’t even handle a little foreplay?? Shit...is, is it me? Am I the one to blame? Am—am I bigoted in some way? I love him so much, I want to do those things with him, but I-I can’t. Wh-why?_ A dusty rose prickled his cheeks and tears began to fall. “I’m ruining everything, I-I don’t know why you even bother with me!!”

“Wh—Danny, no!” Jasper assured, wiping the tears dripping down Daniel’s cheeks. “No, you don’t ruin anything! It’s alright, don’t apologize. I get it, this is new for you. Trust me, I completely understand.” Daniel looked into his eyes with a renewed hope.

“Y-You do?”

“Of course, I do. You think I’m an expert on dating?” Jasper laughed ruefully, which helped ease the tension, leaving Daniel feeling a little less internally stressed. “Ah...no. Danny, no relationship is perfect, there will always be little hiccups along the way. You’ve never had a boyfriend before and don’t know what to expect or do, I can’t get mad at you for that. That wouldn’t be right.”

“...Do you mind taking things slowly?” Daniel asked sheepishly, rubbing his arms as he stared at his feet. “I-I don’t know how to do a lot of things that, well, things that men—you—like.”

“I don’t mind at all. I want you to be able to be comfortable with me. I don’t care if it takes a few months or if it takes a few years. Someday, I hope we’ll be able to move onto bigger, better things, but if you aren’t ready, I won’t force you.”

“What kinds of things?” Daniel asked in a tiny voice, curiosity peaked.

“Well…” Jasper said in a bashful tone, carding a hand through his own hair, “one thing I hope we could try is sleeping together without pajamas. No touching, no foreplay, just...just laying together in bed. I also wanted to see if, maybe someday we could try a shower together? I just...I just want to see you, y’know?” He emphasized, gesturing with his hands. “I wanna be able to appreciate you, let you know how handsome you are, inside and out. A-and I wanna do simple things with you, like give you a massage or shampoo your hair.” Jasper blushed, averting his eyes in favor of staring down at the mattress. “I know, it’s kinda stupid—”

“I-I don’t think it’s stupid.” Jasper’s eyes widened with excitement, a small, gleeful smile forming. “D-do you still want to take a shower?” Daniel asked timidly, coughing into his elbow as he cleared his throat. “Wi-with me?”

“I’d love to.”

Despite having started out strong, Daniel’s confidence faltered the moment the bathroom door was locked. What was he thinking?? Getting naked in front of Jasper, having Jasper get naked in front of him, oh God, what if he laughs? 

_What if he doesn’t like me? I don’t even look that great...I’m not big or muscley. Oh, God what if he’s big? What if he’s_ **_HUGE_ ** _?? Is he going to be disappointed in me? I-I can’t do this, I-I can’t be here, let me out, let me out, let me out—_ He tried to hide behind the towels hanging on the wall beside shower, trying and failing at shielding himself from Jasper’s view. There was no running, there was no hiding. He was in too deep. Sighing in resignation, Daniel gave up, his back still turned. “Just...don’t laugh at me, okay??” Daniel demanded, though it sounded more like a plea.

“I would never.” Jasper promised, his voice sounding a bit far away. “Now, could you please undress for me?” 

“...Okay…” Sucking in a deep breath, Daniel shucked his boxers in one fluid motion, biting his lip as he waited for Jasper to begin ridiculing him. When he turned around, Daniel nearly came face to... _not face_ ...with Jasper’s, well, with Jasper. His face burned a brilliant crimson, the color leeching onto his ears and trailing down his neck. He tried not to gape, he tried not to stare, he tried, and failed, to not do _anything_ , but his efforts were in vain because nature decided it wanted to torture him with unspoken words.

“See something you like?” Jasper teased, leaning against the vanity. Daniel whined, burying his face in one hand while pushing down against himself with the other. Jasper’s haughty grin softened into a smile of genuine understanding. He took a few steps forward, delicately tracing the sharp outline of Daniel’s cheekbones. “Hey...look at me...” Daniel reluctantly uncovered his face. “It’s okay. Thank you for trying this, it means a lot. Now, c’mon, it’s cold out here.”

Sharing a shower was heavenly. At first, the pair merely stood still under the torrent of the showerhead, soaking up the heat of one another while being shrouded in misty clouds. Daniel swayed drunkenly on his own two feet, high off the euphoria that Jasper filled him with. He liked how imperfectly perfect the two of them were. Despite their faults, they made each other feel good in ways some couples could only dream of. As they stood there under the water, Jasper pressed kisses up and down his neck, holding him tight in his strong, delightfully hairy arms. Despite Jasper disagreeing with him, Daniel love, love, loved Jasper in all his cuddly, hairiness. It was like spooning a teddy bear, a teddy bear with the most beautiful neptune colored eyes he had ever had the pleasure of gazing into. He loved the small amount of pudge Jasper always complained that he had but never did anything to lose. He loved the scars of a forbidden origin on his chest because it showed that Jasper was a survivor. He loved Jasper’s personality, he loved his humor. He loved how sometimes he would squish his belly to make it talk, like his own version of “Pat-Back” from SpongeBob, just to make Daniel laugh. Daniel loved everything about Jasper, just like Jasper loved everything about him. Jasper was far superior to any and all of the bare-bottom, over-glossed, snooty, uptight, steroid-pumped, pompous douchebags magazines promoted on the daily.

Eventually, the two actually began making use of the shower and bathing one another. And true to his word, Jasper did shampoo Daniel’s hair. Something about the way in which he dug his fingernails deep into his scalp without hurting him caused Daniel’s knees to almost buckle. He melted into the wondrous sensation, leaning back against Jasper as his head was tenderly scrubbed clean. Shortly after, he ducked his head beneath the showerhead, rinsing himself clean of suds. Jasper met him beneath the pouring rain, connecting their lips in a sweet embrace. His fingers dug into Daniel’s hair, flicking soapy water into the air as he pulled Daniel closer. Leaning into it, Daniel deepened the kiss, a fading thought nagging at the back of his mind: _Chocolate and cream._ Never had a shower ever been so enjoyable.

Soon enough, the water began to run cold, prompting Daniel to turn off the tap as he clung to Jasper for warmth. Blindly reaching out from behind the shower curtain, Jasper snatched one of the towels off of the wall hook, nearly dropping it into the puddling water lingering in the bottom of the tub. Despite being sopping wet, Jasper fought off the chills of the bathroom in favor of taking the time to dry Daniel off. He liked doing little things like this; it made simple things like showers hold so much more meaning. And Daniel loved it all the same. He melted into Jasper’s gentle touch, relishing in the softness of his skin and smelling his freshly cleansed scent. 

_Mmm...lilac and lemon._

Following a quick dressing and some minor frottage, but only because Jasper simply could not resist and Daniel did not exactly stop him, the two made their way downstairs where Azalea was expectantly waiting for them with more juice boxes and a plastic tub of Cheese Balls. Snatching the large, handknit woolen blanket from the back of the couch, Jasper laid down first, holding the blanket up and above his head like a parted cape. He beckoned Azalea to join him and she readily climbed onto his lap, snuggling her Papa tightly as she clung to him with her pudgy arms.

“Come on, Daddy!!”

Smiling, Jasper offered a free hand to Daniel, to which Daniel graciously accepted. Laying down in front of Jasper, Daniel wiggled his way down into a comfortable reclined position. Resting his head atop Jasper’s extended arm, Daniel turned his head to give Jasper a quick kiss, giggling giddily like a child after doing so. Returning the favor, Jasper then lowered the arm holding the blanket above their heads, draping them all in a swath of woolen warmth.

Sighing in content, Daniel could have fallen asleep then and there. Jasper always managed to promote this sense of calm and tranquility while simultaneously manifesting this intense protective aura. Whenever he was with Jasper, negative vibes never seemed to thrive. All was good, all was peaceful. As the opening credits to the movie began to play, Daniel could feel his heartbeat slow. This level of serenity, of repose was foreign but it was oh, so welcome. If only things could stay like this forever.

_Actually…_


	10. Be Yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An end of an era of loneliness, desperation and sadness. An end of an era full of nothing but heartache. Daniel has big plans but can he fulfill not only the promises he makes to Jasper, but to himself, as well?

_ “Danny, it’s not that deep.” _

Jasper often said that Daniel tended to overthink things. That was a favorite saying of his was, “Danny, it’s not that deep.” Whatever that may have meant. Jasper said a lot of things that hardly made sense to him but somehow clicked with Azalea. However, to Daniel, this was ‘that deep’. For what he had planned, he needed to analyze every action, every possible and probable reaction and the necessary steps in-between. Everything needed to be picture perfect. Call it a character flaw, call it obsession, call it whatever it may be, but Daniel knew better than to let subpar actions speak for him. Nothing he ever did was flawed, not when it concerned Jasper. Jasper was an angel, a godsend. He had given his life to Daniel in ways he had never expected, shrugging off his actions with a nonchalant attitude that made Daniel question whether or not it ever even mattered to Jasper. All Jasper wanted was to make him happy, to meet his needs and to further his goals. But never himself. And that was why Daniel needed to make certain that whatever plan he decided on was the absolute best. Jasper was one-of-a-kind, therefore, he deserved something equally as rare.

For three hours, Daniel had sat at his work desk in his sewing studio with his head propped up by his left hand. A mountain of crumpled paper balls spilled out of his wastepaper basket, marred with various crossed out scribbles that devolved into half-English, half-Polish. His head hurt, throbbing with the pain of having been overworked and heavily strained. The tip of his pencil was pressed into the paper, paused midway through the phrase,  _ ‘Ballada muzyczna’ _ . Knitting his brows, Daniel scowled at the half-finished words, angry that he already hated the idea. Pieprzone piekło, if only he knew where Jasper hid the alcohol. He could use a glass of wine right about now...or probably a shot of vodka. Frustrated and at his wits’ end, Daniel shoved his pencils and the small stack of papers to the floor with a shout. The papers fluttered about, like debris in the wind, curling and rolling in whatever direction gravity moved them. Seeing them strewn about only deepened Daniel’s anger. He glared at the floor, as if the wooden panels held the secrets to his struggle.

God, why was thinking so hard?? Any other damn day of the week, he had a thousand plans, a thousand references, a thousand designs for a single project! And now...now nothing was right. Nothing he thought of was worth trying, nothing he came up with was worth any additional effort. Sure, this may not have been something as simplistic as designing a new dress or hemming a pair of pants, but was it really that complicated? Then again, when was he ever known for doing anything less than extravagant? Sighing, Daniel’s anger began to simmer down into irate melancholy. His eyes began to water but his furious expression did not change. Why was it that whenever he thought he was making progress, life decided it wanted to grab him by the face and slam him repeatedly into the dirt? Why was it that he could never stay happy? Why was it he always had some other problem to face? All he wanted to do was think! How hard was it, really, for life to allow him to think clearly, if at all?

Glancing at the ticking clock on the wall, Daniel saw it was quarter-past five. He paused his thinking, deciding to put a pin in his plans so he could begin making dinner. Maybe he could see if Jasper would join him, see if he would help him prepare the salad or roll the meatballs. Heading to the living room where he knew Jasper was watching television, Daniel began to shift his focus to potential dinner plans. Hmm...should he make garlic bread? Azalea loved it when he made garlic bread with, “Spagett.” He could top it with some grated parmesan and some sprinkles of parsley from their garden. Would he make a homemade vinaigrette, too, or would he stick with a basic buttermilk ranch? So many choices. Suddenly, Daniel stopped short of the living room upon hearing a noise.

_ Was that—?  _ Daniel paused halfway through the doorway to the living room, standing on tiptoe. He could barely make out the shape of Jasper’s head from behind the back of the couch, but his rather obnoxious snoring confirmed he was asleep.  _ Ooh, I can use this!! _

Quietly, Daniel dashed up the stairs, taking each step two at a time. Trying his best not to thump about, Daniel hurriedly pushed himself into his and Jasper’s bedroom. He unsteadily fumbled about with the springlock to the door of the rat enclosure, bumbling about in his manic state. Unamused, Snowflake popped his head out from his hammock, making his way down from his nesting place where he was promptly scooped up into Daniel’s arms. Riding the high that his marvelous plan was giving him, Daniel practically flew down the stairs and into the kitchen. He headed directly over to the designated junk drawer and dug around inside of it. Rooting around amid the accumulated garbage, Daniel snatched up a pad of pale magenta Post Its and a violet gel ink pen. Tearing the Post-It from its pad, he quickly scribbled down his message in bright violet gel ink. He carefully folded the Post-It up, making certain that the sticky lining was folded down onto itself so the note would not end up glued closed. Walking out of the kitchen and towards the living room, Daniel stopped short of the entrance. He listened carefully, waiting until he heard the droning thunder of Jasper’s snoring, signaling that he had not left the room. Grinning madly to himself like he was a mischievous, evil genius, Daniel lifted his hand to his shoulder as an offering to his rat. Snowflake promptly climbed onto his hand, nosing between his fingers and licking his fingertips. Biting back a giggle, because rat licks tickled, Daniel handed the folded note to Snowflake and headed towards the living room.

_“Go find Papa.”_ He whispered to the rat, crouching in the doorway to the living room. Laying his hand flat against the carpet with his palm facing up, Daniel watched as Snowflake scampered across the floor towards the couch. 

Grabbing onto the side of the couch with his tiny claws, Snowflake hoisted himself up off of the carpeted floor. Up the side of the couch he climbed, note in mouth, undetected by the sleeping man. Moving from the far end of the couch, Snowflake crawled across the cushions alongside Jasper’s body, all the way up to his head. He paused by Jasper’s face, whiskers twitching as he sniffed inside of his ear. Scrunching up his face in discomfort, Jasper turned his head away from the rat. Unbothered, Snowflake tiptoed closer, stretching himself up as he pressed his front two paws onto Jasper’s cheek. His tiny pink nose sniffled and snuffled all over his face. Deciding he was done playing messenger, Snowflake spat out the square of paper he had been carting around and waddled down the length of Jasper’s body to go ratty things. Woken up from the irritating sensation of something falling into his shirt, Jasper opened his eyes just in time to see Snowflake’s bum and tail hanging off of the end of the couch. No doubt the rat was going to go back to whenever he had come from, most likely his cage. He did not see Daniel pop up, rat in hand, nor did he hear him run up the stairs to put Snowflake back in his cage.

“Nnmm...Snowflake?” Jasper mumbled, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Something pointed jabbed him in the neck, prompting him to push himself into a raised position. He lazily ran his hand along his chin and neck, plucking the tiny folded square out from between his shirt and hoodie. Intrigued, Jasper’s face contorted into one of confusion.  _ Where the hell did this come from? _ He wondered. Pinched between two fingers, he studied the note, picking at the loose ends. Carefully, he unfolded the Post-It and saw that someone had scribbled a short little blurb on it. Brain not completely back to full working capacity, Jasper squinted at the piece of paper. In dark, shimmery purple gel ink was the phrase, ‘Wyjdziesz za mnie?’, inscribed in looping cursive. “What the hell—” 

Looking up from the note in his hands, Jasper nearly had a heart attack. It appeared as though Daniel had manifested from thin air. He was down on his right knee right in front of Jasper, holding a tiny pastel blue cardboard box in the palm of his hands. In the center of the box was a thin, shiny blackish brown ring with a silver lining. Caught completely off his guard, Jasper deadpanned at Daniel in silence, suddenly very much awake. There was hope in Daniel’s eyes and a faint blush dusting his cheeks. It then dawned on Jasper that he knew  **exactly** what was written on that piece of paper.

“Jasper, I’ve loved you since the day we first met. I know it took a long time for us to get here but I don’t want to wait any longer. So...how about it, moja miłość?” Daniel asked expectantly, the last bit of his question lost in the fuzz that was Jasper’s mind. Goddamnit, he really needed to learn Polish. “Would you be my one and only?” Those doey, pleading eyes shining with hope and yearning tugged at Jasper’s heartstrings, making his chest tight. Lord, Daniel would be the death of him.

“...Yes. Yes!” Giddy, Daniel threw his arms around Jasper and peppered his cheek with a smattering of kisses. He was overjoyed, ecstatic, thrilled even. Jasper said, ‘Yes!’ He said, ‘Yes!’ Jasper himself was over the moon, his heart pounding with exhilaration. He excitedly pulled Daniel up onto the couch with him and sat him on his lap. Both men were close to tears, nervously chuckling at some unspoken joke. Reaching down, Daniel took Jasper’s right hand and, with his own hand slightly trembling, slipped the engagement ring over Jasper’s ring finger. It looked so beautiful on Jasper’s hand, shining brilliantly in among the dimmed lights of the living room. The color began to shift, transitioning from a soulless black to a royal violet. Jasper smiled fondly at his engagement ring, pressing a kiss to Daniel’s cheek. “I love it. It’s absolutely perfect.”

“I’m glad you like it.” Daniel replied as he laid down atop Jasper’s stomach and chest. He turned onto his side, listening to the gentle beating of his fiance’s heart. “I’m so happy you said, ‘yes.’” Daniel continued on in a small tone of voice. “I’ve been wanting to marry you for a long, long time. I love you so, so much.”

“I love you, too.” Jasper said, drawing his arms up around Daniel to hold him in place. “Remember when we first met? Way, way back before Christmas in that toy store? You wanna know what I thought when I first saw you?” 

“What?”

“Damn, he’s got a nice ass.” Jasper laughed at his own joke, squeezing both of Daniel’s hands as he squished him in a hug. “And now you’re all mine, forever and ever.” Softly, he could hear Daniel giggling unsteadily. “What’re you laffin’ at?”

“We’re husbands now.” Jasper rolled his eyes with a smile, leaning forward a bit so he could press a kiss to Daniel’s forehead. Sighing in content, he lowered his arms, then buried his nose in his fiance’s soft, golden hair with his hands resting firmly on his hip. He held Daniel in his arms for what felt like hours, both men taking in the moment for all it was worth. Snuggling tightly to Jasper’s chest, the weight of his actions finally settled on Daniel’s mind. He could not believe it: he was engaged now, engaged to Jasper. Jasper was going to be his husband. He was going to be getting married to the man of his dreams.  _ I-I’m getting married...Jasper’s going to be my husband. We’re going to be together...forever. I-I’m going to be married—I have a fiance!! _

That was several months ago.

It is May now, a rather lovely and joyous time of year full of clear skies and balmy weather. Daniel had always dreamed of having an early summer wedding in the church where he attended countless Pasterka. He adored the familiarity of a place he considered a second home, basking in the glorious light of ornate windows and the elegance of the carved wooden structures. Jasper simply could not say, “No.” And now here Daniel was, standing atop the altar dressed to the nines in a brilliant white tuxedo with soft blue accents. He could not wait to see Jasper amaze and astound the onlookers as he walked down the aisle, dressed fabulously in his slimming black suit with lavender accents. Sure, Daniel knowing what Jasper would be wearing spoiled tradition but how could he resist? How??

While he adjusted the sapphire-encrusted pendant Jasper’s fathers had given him to wear, as per Polish tradition, Daniel reminisced about the days leading up to today. The pre-wedding celebration was one for the family albums, full of joyous moments, good food and smiles all around. Quite a large amount of Daniel’s family had flown in from Poland as had a large portion of Jasper’s family come in from all across America and even some other foreign lands. The church was packed full of those same smiling faces, all awaiting a glorious celebration. But as he looked around, Daniel could see members of both of their families talking among one another. So, Jasper was a bit late. Things happen, circumstances arise. 

_ It’s nothing to be worried about. _ Daniel thought to himself in an effort to convince himself not to worry.  _ Everything is fine. Jasper is on his way and soon, he’ll be coming through that door. Soon enough, you will be tossing glasses, feeding him cake and being showered with rice and barley. Soon enough, you’ll be kissing him under the moonlight, holding him close and never letting go. Everything is fine. Jasper is fine. You’ll be fine. He’s only a little bit late, things happen. Have a little faith in your husband, surely you don’t mean to doubt him so?  _ So, Daniel bit his tongue and stood idly by while he waited. He stood there at the altar, blissfully ignoring the brewing concern that was bubbling up in his chest. But when the minutes soon amounted to half an hour, the stress was beginning to mount and his stoicness soon faltered.

Fevered and fidgety, Daniel paced in place around the altar, his mind numb with anticipation. As he patrolled the altar back and forth, his suit jacket fluttered loose behind him with all of the buttons undone in his haste to ready himself for the arrival of his beloved. After suffering through a devastating heartbreak at such a young age, Daniel lost sight of achieving a plentiful romance and his dream of one day being wed to the person of his dreams died alongside those visions. For eight long years, he barely lived his life after having fallen into a dark, suffocating pit of self-loathing. All he believed was that he was undesirable, that his lack of retaining a romantic partner was of his own doing, not an unpreventable, uncontrollable circumstance. For years, he let himself believe he was unlovable, that he was undeserving but then...then Jasper came. Jasper was his saving grace, his one chance at happiness. So, like any sane person would do, Daniel latched on. Jasper loved him despite his faults and openly worked with him to overcome any and all shortcomings. Jasper brought out the best in his personality and he always made him feel as though he was the only person who mattered. He made him feel things that he had no name for, and for that, what better ‘Thank you’ than sharing the rest of his life with him?

That was why Daniel was pacing about while he waited for Jasper to arrive, acting the part of an anxious, twitching mess. So much could go wrong, as it almost always has before. Jasper could get in an accident, the church could mysteriously catch on fire, he or Jasper could trip on the steps to the altar, someone could die of a heart attack, a shooter could break in— _ what if Jasper doesn’t come? What if he gets cold feet? What if  _ **_you_ ** _ do? What if someone objects? Where’s the reverend? What’s taking so long? Where’s Jasper? _ With so many unbearable thoughts clouding his mind, Daniel could barely focus, much less think. His mind was a smoking, charring inferno of twisted, conflicting emotions that he found himself flailing uselessly at as he tried to corral his innermost thoughts. He wanted to take a seat in the pews but he also wanted to run down the aisle and out the door at the same time. He wanted to cry tears of happiness as well as tears of desperation. He wanted so much, but knew none of it would do him any good. He could feel the eyes of both families upon him and it did little to soothe his spirit.

Some may call it a mother’s intuition, others may refer to it as ‘observing the obvious’, but in either case, Lena knew something was amiss with her boy. Handing her little clutch purse to Jakub, Lena left her seat in the pews and tactfully ascended the steps to the altar, her heels clicking on each hollow, carpeted step. Daniel had been standing facing the rear wall when she confronted him, his shoulder hunched deep in thought. Reluctantly, as she did not wish to startle Daniel, Lena put a hand on her son’s shoulder. Upon feeling someone lay their hand on his shoulder, Daniel jolted and tensed in surprise, drawing his shoulders up in shock. He quickly turned around, visibly relaxing when he laid eyes on his mother.

“Nervous, kluska?” Lena asked softly, her voice a whisper in his ear. Biting his lip, Daniel fought the urge to sob into his mother’s arms. He wanted to cry out his frustrations; he wanted to pretend that he was of sound mind and spirit. He wanted to wish and wish and wish that he was fine, that everything was fine, that he could just  **be** fine except—he just could not find it in himself to pretend. The facade that made up his faux smile faded as his anxiety got the better of him.

“Dobry Boże, Mama, trzęsę się w butach!” Daniel threw his arms around her, burying his face in her shoulder. “I should be happy, I should want to get married, but I’ve never been so scared. Shouldn’t I be excited? Am I—is it bad for me to want to run?”

“I understand, kluska. I know the feeling. But, kluska, you can’t keep running. Running solves so little. The problems always remain, never going away. And how fair would that be to poor Jasper? Daniel, mój kochany synku, it’ll be alright. Soon you’ll be married. Soon you’ll be home. Everything will be alright. I promise, kluska.” Her words were meant to comfort, and in a way, the sentiment rang true but too much was eating away at Daniel’s conscience. His emotions were boiling over the rim of the very stout pot that was his mind and it was beginning to show.

“...I-I love him, Mama.” One tear rolled down his cheek, then another, clinging to the underside of his chin. “I love him so, so much. Jasper means everything to me. That’s why today has to be perfect. He deserves it.”

“I know.” Lena assured him, pulling away from his arms to wipe away his tears. She then reached for the breast pocket on his tuxedo, slipping the lavender pocket square out and dabbing at his chin and eyes with it. “I know. I like Jasper, he is like a second son. He is a very good man for you. You smile so much now.” In pure motherly perfectionist form, she folded the square up into its original shape and tucked it back into Daniel’s breast pocket. Lena then took the ends of Daniel’s jacket in her grasp, pulling the fabric taut. With a gentle hand, she slipped the buttons through their slits, rubbing her palm flat against the material as she smoothed out any pesky wrinkles. “Can’t have that open like that,” Lena nitpicked, her tone shifting to mildly irritated. “Na miłość boską, Daniel, naucz się ubierać.” Daniel let out a shaky chuckle. It felt so good to be able to laugh again. 

Suddenly, the large, carved wooden doors swung open in a wide arc, the light from the hall pouring in. The reverend, a rather spindly woman with greying brown hair and thin, squarish glasses, made her way up the center aisle to the podium. Her expression was turned down in a frown, her brows furrowed in irritation, no doubt from having had to sort through whatever mess that had been keeping Jasper. Clutched tightly against her left side was a thick book stuffed with loose papers sticking out every which way. Her long, thin fingers were digging into the weathered spine, creasing the leather with her unpainted nails. Setting her book down, the reverend began pulling out the individual leaves of paper and sorting through them. Her head occasionally bobbed up and down, surveying the audience from her place behind the podium. When she laid eyes upon Daniel, her demeanor turned on a dime. Her sour glare turned up into an inviting grin, her eyes alight with excitement. Pausing her actions, she addressed the two standing in the center of the altar. She brushed back a few loose strands of greying brown hair then pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose.

“I apologize for the slight delay, there was a bit more traffic than anticipated. The other groom is awaiting his cue, so the ceremony will be commencing shortly.” Daniel nodded in acknowledgment. 

“Powodzenia, kluska. Mama cię kocha.” Lena pressed a kiss to his cheek, giving his hand a quick squeeze before she turned to leave. She hurriedly walked back to her seat beside Jakub, briefly waving her hand as she cast her boy an encouraging grin. Daniel returned her smile, then closed his eyes as he inhaled through his nose. Breathing out, he felt a lofty weight drop from over his chest. __

_ “You can do this. You can do this. All you have to do is stand here, let the reverend say her piece and then you talk. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. Simple. Simple.”  _ Daniel whispered to himself in an effort to steady his nerves with promises of simplicity and ease. He briefly looked around the room, eyes darting between members of the mumbling crowd of both families. Some looked bored, others were chatting among one another as though this were another regular day of the week.  _ Well, of course  _ **_they’re_ ** _ all fine.  _ **_They_ ** _ aren’t the ones who will be the center of attention, much less a laughingstock if they mess up.  _ Daniel thought to himself, his plain expression briefly furrowing into one of annoyance. Looking away from the audience, his eyes fell on the reverend. She was silently reading over her list of preparations, flipping between a few sheets of loose papers. After she turned what appeared to be the final page, she tapped each loose sheet together in a neat stack, then raised her head looking to Daniel for the notion to begin. Despite fighting an internal battle to keep himself from fainting from anxiety, Daniel nodded his head, the fakest smile ever conceived plastered across his rather flush face.

The reverend cleared her throat, gesturing to the pianist to begin. Music began to play, a very soft piano instrumental. The chattering of the crowd quickly died out, all of their collective heads focusing their attention to the large wooden doors at the end of the aisle. 

Together under the shrill, mushy coos and “Aww’s” of their families, Azalea and Jett stepped foot onto the silken carpet lining the aisle between the pews. Daniel nearly shed a tear at how regal his precious babeczka looked escorted by Jett down the aisle. Her beautiful shimmery white, silver and gold gown complimented the dark solid hues of Jett’s dapper black and charcoal suit well. With each step she and her cousin took, Azalea scattered handfuls of white and pink azalea blooms on the carpet under their feet. Their rosy faces beamed under the lights, hungrily eating up all of the attention the audience gave them. As the two children walked up the aisle, Daniel could see Jasper following the pair closely behind. His smile seemed both forced and genuine but his elegant stride did not waver. Daniel was relieved to know he was not alone in feeling both overwhelmed and apprehensive.

Once they came to the end of the aisle, Azalea turned left and Jett turned right, taking their seats with their respective families. This left Jasper walking the last few feet towards the altar by himself. As he began traversing the wooden steps, both Jasper’s and Daniel’s anxieties disappeared. Upon the final step to the altar, Daniel stepped forward and offered his hand to Jasper. A rose-tinted blush dusted his cheeks as he smiled timidly, Daniel could not help but fall deeper in love. Jasper took his hand, that same soft, heartfelt smile spreading across his darkened, flush face. Standing side by side before the reverend, the two were able to find some semblance of peace. 

However, under that brilliant facade of calm and tranquility, Daniel could feel the timorous energy Jasper was exuding. He could feel that Jasper was trembling slightly with all of the overwhelming uncertainty flooding through him. Discreetly, Daniel rubbed his knuckles with his thumb, moving closer to him so that he may breathe more easily. It seemingly did the trick as the tremors slowly subsided. He then gave Jasper’s hand a quick squeeze, a simple gesture to let him know that he would always be by his side. A simple gesture that let Jasper know that the moment their unionization was official, once that wonderful moment came to fruition, it would be the greatest moment of their lives. Daniel spared Jasper a quick, darting glance, just to make certain he was not so nervous. His heart fluttered when their eyes unexpectedly met. Jasper was so irresistibly handsome and that suit—aah, he was simply gorgeous! He wished he could kiss him now, he wanted to kiss him again and again until the day turned to night. Unfortunately, that would have to wait until after the ceremony. Still, he could appreciate the fine view.

"Dearly beloved," the reverend commenced warmly, "we are gathered here today in the presence of these witnesses, to join Daniel Alastair Vandovear and Jasper Elliot Miller in matrimony, which is commended to be honorable among all persons; and therefore is not by any to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, discreetly, advisedly and solemnly. Into this holy estate these two present now come to be joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace." No one dared respond. Turning a page in her book, the reverend then continued her deliverance. "In the time allocated to let their relationship blossom, their love and understanding of each other has grown and matured to new heights. And through these new understandings, it has been decided that they shall live their lives together as spouses. For each new night that these heavenly bodies remain together, so shall the stars align to ensure their happiness, romanticism, passion and the endurance of this union. To be blessed with the love of another is a privilege that shall not be abused. Onto which our brave souls have initiated this union, to where under our binding grace and watchful eyes, we shall endow them with the grace of love." She paused, turning her attention from the podium out to the rows of family. "May we have the rings?"

Rising from his seat, Jett snatched up the pillow that had been resting in his lap and marched forward with great haste. Grinning gleefully, he beamed as he received genial smiles from his uncles and the reverend. Raising his arms upwards, he presented the two rings, one gold and one silver, nestled in the divot atop the ornate throw pillow. Daniel took the golden band and Jasper took the silver band. Jett then stepped back and put the pillow under his arm, walking back down the steps and sitting back in his assigned spot. With both men holding the rings in their hands, the reverend turned her attention to Jasper.

"Jasper, you may begin your proclamation of faith and love." Swallowing roughly, Jasper steeled his nerves, clenching the ring in his hand tightly. The weight of the silver band against his soft skin grounded him, allowing him to find enough courage to shakily begin his vows.

"Daniel, babe, not a day goes by that I don't think about you. To be by your side is all I could ever want.” Swallowing a lump in his throat, Jasper pressed on. “Every waking moment I spend with you is an absolute dream and I never want to wake from it. My heart melts when I gaze into your eyes. Your tender, loving touch and soft, reassuring voice cradles me in warmth every night. You are so beautiful, with a gentle soul and a large heart. Seeing you smile brings me life and I can only hope to make you smile each and every day from here onward. I love you so very much and that’s why I want to spend the rest of my life with you." The tears were strong in his eyes but they did not fall. “That’s why I-I, Jasper Elliot Miller," his voice cracked as he tried to remain composed, "g-give my life to you, Daniel Alastair Vandovear, with all my energy, my power and my love.” Jasper's voice faltered as he tried to keep himself collected. Beads of sweat began to drip down the back of his neck. "On this momentous day, we become one. I shall protect and serve you until the end of our days. I relinquish myself to you, forevermore, forever now and forever onwards, into eternity.” 

Hand trembling, Jasper fumbled with the silver ring in his grasp. Daniel smiled reassuringly to calm him, a lovestruck look in his eyes. Unsteadily, Jasper slid the ring over his significant other’s finger. After he retreated his hands, Jasper took a moment to take Daniel in. Silver complimented his eyes so well and his face, that adorable smile—he wanted to kiss him right here and now. Following the placement of his ring, the reverend nodded towards Daniel, signaling the start of his marriage address.

"F-For a long, long time...I was alone. I-I never thought anyone would love me, I never thou—I never believed anyone could love me like how you do. I never thought anyone would want me, kiss me, hold me. I always thought I would be alone," Daniel paused, taking in a deep breath. Exhaling softly, his smile returned. "But now I know I won't ever be alone because you're all I need to be happy. You’re all I ever needed, all I could ever want. I can only hope to repay your kindness by being a faithful, loyal and loving husband. You saved me from giving up on myself, from giving up on my life. So, with a heart full of the love you’ve given, I, Daniel Alastair Vandovear,” taking a step forward, Daniel’s face began to turn a light crimson, “give my life to you, Jasper Elliot Miller, with all my energy, my power and my love. I relinquish myself to you, forevermore, forever now and forever onwards, into eternity.” With the ring in hand, he pushed it up to just under Jasper’s knuckle. Tenderly, he held onto his hand, for just a quick moment, before dropping his arm to his side. The reverend gleamed with pride.

“Daniel, do you agree to the aforementioned principles of your union?" Daniel smiled, lost in Jasper’s eyes. His hands felt so warm in his touch, so comforting to know that with two simple words, his future was sealed.

“I do.” He stated firmly, fighting back tears so he could see his coming future with distinct clarity. The reverend turned to face Jasper.

“And Jasper, do you agree to the aforementioned principles of your union?” Jasper slipped a hand out of Daniel’s tender hold, dabbing at his teary eyes with the bottom of his palm.

“I do.”

“I now pronounce you husband and husband, you may now kiss.” 

Not wanting to wait another moment, the two delved into a deep embrace. Stepping forward, Jasper slipped his hands out of Daniel’s hold and underneath the hem of his tuxedo jacket, hooking his fingers into Daniel’s belt loops. Unconsciously, he tugged rather harshly, drawing Daniel in and pressing their bodies flush to one another. Acting on instinct, Daniel steadied himself as he draped his arms loosely around Jasper’s neck, tangling his fingers in Jasper’s fluffy golden brown hair. It was a passionate, tongue-in-cheek kiss that took all of two minutes but encompassed the whole of their yearning for one another. For two whole minutes, Daniel swore he had ascended to Heaven. He could feel Jasper against him, breathe in his scent and indulge in the comforting heat of his aura. For two whole minutes, Daniel felt as if he had been touched by an angel. His angel. His savior. His husband, Jasper.

Breaking the kiss, Jasper held Daniel lovingly in his arms. He wanted to stare into those beautiful blue eyes just a bit longer in this position, losing himself in their glimmer and sparkle. Daniel was speechless, stars in his eyes and sandpaper on his tongue. He was at a loss for words, holding tightly to both of Jasper’s shoulders. The rapturous applause and cheering whistles of their families faded into nothing, rice and barley raining down upon their heads from all around. The colors of the world around them began to gradually drain from everywhere except one another. This was real. This was love.

As he and Jasper began to descend from the altar, hand in hand, Daniel was still drinking in the surrealness of this moment. He felt his husband’s hand tense and close tighter around his own, his raw emotions twisted up inside. Amid the happy tears, he stopped Jasper at the base of the steps to the altar. He threw his arms around him, embracing him in the deepest, most meaningful hug he could muster. In that moment, Daniel felt the rush of emotions overcoming both himself and Jasper. He felt the drips of Jasper’s tears, the heat of his breath, and the clawing of his fingernails into his back. All these sensations he would come to know by heart each day and forever onwards. Barley and rice continued to rain down upon them, the joyous faces of their families making the world ever brighter. When Jasper’s wistful neptune eyes cast their view upon him, Daniel’s timid, shy grin widened into a manic glimmer of happiness. Endowed with his own family, gifted with his handsome, charming, beloved husband, Daniel felt as if his life was complete. Nothing more to add, nothing he would dare take away. He had gotten everything he had ever wished for, all in one moment. Finally, finally he had achieved his dream.

What was once believed to be an impossibility was now a reality.


End file.
